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(Image by @Mark1957)

American scientists recently made a significant breakthrough enabling them to employ Einstein’s Law of Relativity to gather together, in the one room, all American Presidents, both living and dead. Due to President Trump’s deep affection for Independent Australia, he granted one of our expert journalists exclusive access to the proceedings. 

Trump: First off, I extend a heartfelt welcome to all my fellow presidents, both living and dead.

Now, down to business. I don’t know about you guys, but no politician has ever been treated as unfairly as I have been.

George Washington: Wait a minute young fella. I didn’t have a clue what the heck I was meant to do. I was our first President. No one told me what I was expected to do, or even how to look. I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing.

Trump: Nothing’s changed. Do you think I know what the fuck I’m doing? I still don’t know how the fuck I won.

George W. Bush: Luxury! It was obvious. I spent eight years not knowing the fuck what I was doing and neither of you two whingers had to live up to your father’s expectations the way I did. My father just happened to have also been a president, plus Jed was always his favourite.

FDR: Luxury! Expectations? I had a cousin who was president before me. He was so beloved, they carved his face into a goddamned mountain. I also had to contend with a crippling economic depression, as well as being crippled myself with polio. And if that wasn’t enough, I had to steer us through World War Two. It was so shitty they didn’t need an assassin’s bullet to knock me off. I carked it on the job.

JFK: Luxury! In case you’d forgotten. I copped a bullet right in the head when I was still young and sexually active and appealing to the ladies. You should have seen the three I had lined up later that night in Dallas. Identical, gorgeous triplets.

Clinton: Luxury! I nearly did get my head blown off, and one time, when I did blow after I’d gotten head, how was I to know she wouldn’t swallow? When I think of what the American public swallowed from me for eight years, I go and find the only intern who not only wouldn’t swallow, but was sentimental enough to hang onto the presidential wet patch long after it had dried.

Trump: That’s nothing. You stiffs didn’t have social media and mobile phones to deal with. I can’t even go to Russia for a little R and R nowadays without it going viral. So far, the only one of you who’s made any sense is JFK. Copping one in the head, being assassinated and having a bad hair day all in one. Now, that is rough.

Lincoln: Well what about me and James [Garfield] and William [McKinley]. We all copped a bullet, and I had to see us through a war against ourselves. And it made it harder for me to hang on to my own slaves after we won.

Obama: Luxury! Look at what I had to put up with. Trying to fix the economy after George W’s fuck ups, not to mention the two useless and unwinnable wars he got us into. And, on top of all that, I’m black. Staffers kept mistaking me for the butler for the first two years of my presidency. And you, George Washington …. you think you had it hard. I was the first and, until now, only black President. The only role models I had were all white fellas. Have a look around this room. How was I to know what the fuck to do? Fucked if I was going to have Kenny Rogers sing at any of my inauguration balls.

Nixon: Luxury! The lot of you. I didn’t know the fuck what a president could or couldn’t do and when I apparently crossed the line – bingo! – out the back door. Fucking joke! Cut short mid-term.

William McKinley: Luxury! You had years as president. I copped a bullet four months into my term. I barely had time to know where the cutlery was before I was cactus.

Trump: Four months. Four fucking months!. You lucky bastard. And you too, Tricky Dicky. Isn’t it obvious to all of you I’m doing everything I can to get out of this job. The pay’s shit. The hours are awful, and I’m meant to give a fuck about the rest of the world and know what I’m talking about. Plus, it’s a lot harder to get a round of golf in.

George W. Bush: Yes, Donald. It was the same for me. People threw long words at me – like Pakistan and Afghanistan – and some of the names I was meant to remember! Forget it! My golf handicap went back three strokes during my presidency.

Trump: Fuck! That is bad. I had no idea George. No idea.

Reagan: Luxury! You had no idea! What about me? I was an actor. I had no idea what to do or say. Sure, I was used to reading scripts, but you check all of my films. Not one long monologue in the lot of them. Usually it was stuff like “Did you see where they went, partner?” Rarely anything longer than that. Some of the speeches I had to give and pretend I’d written were so long and boring I struggled to stay awake as I was giving them. Like now. If none of you mind, I think I’ll have a half hour kip.

Trump: I told you. Other than for Kennedy, you guys pretty much had it easy compared to me. No matter what I do, how badly I fuck up with protocols, the rules, and even the law, they won’t get rid of me. It’s harder for me to have a bit of slap and tickle on the side. Can’t sleep whenever I want to because of all the demands of Twitter. And I can’t play golf whenever I want. And I’ve got to leave America every now and then and talk shit, in a soft voice and not say motherfucker whenever I feel like it.

Seriously, most countries other than America are only good for testing our bombs on. Now I have to go and mix with the fuckers. I still stand by my statement that no politician in history has been treated as unfairly as I have been. George W. I feel for, but the only one of you lot who comes close is JFK. Putting up with a bad hair day is beyond the pale.

Note: Donald Trump intends hawking this tape around the traps, hoping it is turned into a movie. He is happy to have either John Cleese or Eric Idle play as him, but definitely not Alec Baldwin.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of Stoney Broke and The Hi-Spenders.

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