Satire Opinion

Scott Morrison's 'hire' calling

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(Image courtesy of Bruce Keogh)

Scott Morrison holds a press conference to quell rumours relating to his future plans.

Morrison: Thank you for being here. I have called you here, much in the way god calls me, to shine a light (much in the manner god shines his light upon me) on my future plans.

Where there’s smoke, there’s fire and where there’s fire you probably won’t find me. God has called me to do his work and no matter the personal cost, I must obey god’s wishes. With a heavy heart, I announce my resignation, immediately, as of today, from my role as Member for Cook.

Nothing, other than being the loving husband of Jen and a doting father, fills me with the joy I’ve experienced being the diligent and in many ways, pastoral carer of my flock, the populace of the Cook electorate. God demands I no longer restrict such a role to the boundaries of Cook or, indeed, the shores of Australia.

The sceptics, the cynics and the naysayers among you, no doubt, will be thinking this is yet more bluster, hot air and hollow rhetoric from old ScoMo. Well, I can put you straight. I have no intention of writing a cookbook full of word salads. I am being upfront with you.

It pains me to leave my electorate parishioners. It really does. The fact I have not spent one minute in my electorate office since the May Federal Election is irrelevant when assessing my deep feelings of love, care and gratitude to the citizens of Cook, or "cookers" as I like to refer to them.

Just as god is not with you in the literal physical sense, but is ever present in the metaphysical sense, thus I regard my cookers. Their pain is my pain. Their fears are my fears. Their victories are my victories.

God calls me to establish a new church for believers committed to the teachings of our lord Jesus Christ. Today I can announce this new church shall be known as "The Divine Order of First Day Opportunists" or "The Church of First Day Opportunists".

I shall fill the position as the inaugural high priest of The Divine Order of First Day Opportunists. 

As is my nature – and according to god’s wishes – I shall also be known as Archbishop Morrison, Reverend Morrison, Elder Scott, Minister Morrison (a title I am well accustomed to) Pastor Morrison, Abbot Morrison (I thank god there is no leadership position in any church known as "The Turnbull") and Vicar Morrison. And of course, most importantly, I shall take charge of our church’s finances in my role as Rector Morrison.

To highlight my deep affection, regard and love for the citizens of my electorate of Cook, I shall refer to all future followers of The Divine Order of First Day Opportunists as "cookers".

All church furnishings shall be provided by my very good friend, Harvey Norman. All power will be generated by coal, gas and oil. No solar panelling will adorn our edifices. Wind farms are deemed by our church to be manifestations of satan.

Our cookers, brethren and sistren must tithe 25 per cent of their annual income to our Church of First Day Opportunists. All hymns and religious songs will be sung to ukulele accompaniment.

Our doctrine will adhere to classic conventional religious philosophy. This means we will take a keen interest in your sexual proclivities and eating habits and insist upon strictly binary roles.

No same-sex marriages shall be consecrated within our walls. No men frocking up — unless in approved religious garb. Our toilets will be strictly binary – full and half flush – and men only allowed in the Mens and women in the Ladies.

All food and beverages shall be prepared by our womenfolk — a great personal sacrifice on my part as I will be forbidden to prepare any chicken curries for our flock.

The overriding ethos of our Church of First Day Opportunists is, “Take whatever you can get away with”.

If an atheist questions the faith of our members we instruct them to answer with, “I don’t accept the premise of your statement” and then walk away.

We will be fully transparent with all matters other than for "holy water" matters. First Day Opportunists do not discuss matters relating to water. If you have any questions, please ask now.

Journalist: Will you also be the choirmaster for your church?

Morrison: Good lord, no! Surely you heard what I did toApril Sun in Cuba’? No, that position has been offered to and accepted by our Governor-General’s wife, Linda Hurley.

That’s enough questions. I take my leave to begin my work spreading the word of our lord, Jesus Christ. Feel free to take our brochure: The Divine Order of First Day Opportunists — god’s plan for your path to a life of plenty.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of 'Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.

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