Satire Opinion

Scott Morrison announces his retirement

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(Cartoon by Mark David / @MDavidCartoons)

Member for Cook and former PM Scott Morrison fronts a press conference to address his future plans.

MORRISON: Thank you for your attendance. I wish to shed light on and end the current rumours regarding my future plans.

My comments regarding the Voice to Parliament have apparently unleashed a tsunami of allegations of racism on my part. Let me set the record straight — I am not a racist. Some of my favourite Cronulla players are Indigenous. Nicho Hynes and Jesse Ramien amongst others.

What isn’t commonly known about my culinary skills is that before cooking my famous Sri Lankan curries, I often fry up a bowl of witchetty grubs as a delicious entrée. Me, a racist? Never! Next you’ll be accusing me of holding a hose.

Some have claimed my speech regarding the Voice was very much my valedictory speech. I won’t lie to you — never have, never will.

I do intend to retire from parliament and politics, and expect in the next few days to be appointed Richmond’s new coach. Not as an interim fill in, but as their new, ongoing senior coach. I have been working the phones, which means McQualter can go back to the assistant role.

I shall, of course, in my manner, give my full attention to my role as Richmond’s senior coach. And I will not stop there.

As is my want, I will not limit myself to only coaching the Tigers. The times are exceptionally uncertain and demand exceptional leadership qualities. I have those.

Whilst taking on the role of senior Richmond coach, I will also become the new CEO of the Hawthorn Football Club. I believe the current situation at Hawthorn demands a person of great compassion and a deep understanding of Indigenous issues to fill the current vacancy. Please refer to my recent acknowledgement, my appetite for a bowl of fried witchetty grubs, to highlight my credentials for such a sensitive and demanding role.

As you know, I am a man of deep faith. I seek God’s counsel and he quite often turns to me to do his work. He messaged me via an eagle once and the rest is history. God is calling me again, to take on the role of West Coast Eagles’ senior coach in 2024, to allow Adam Simpson time away, hopefully to find God. I will find the challenge of coaching both Richmond and the Eagles at the same time exciting and largely fulfilling. Notice I use a qualifying term to describe said fulfillment.

I notice North Melbourne is also in need of a new coach. Alistair Clarkson is hurting and may never return. I always champion the underdog and there is no bigger underdog in the AFL than North Melbourne. I am the ideal man for the role. I intend to coach North Melbourne, for the interim and then into the future. In 2024, Richmond, North Melbourne and West Coast shall all be coached by me.

I believe a man of my vision and abilities would do harm to the larger community by limiting himself. I do not want to be guilty of disadvantaging our people. For this reason, I also put my hand up to coach the St George Dragons in the NRL, commencing immediately.

Never before has one man coached three teams in the AFL, one side in the NRL, plus be CEO of another AFL club, all at the same time. I am sure some will wonder if I am capable of such a potpourri of jobs at the one time. To my doubters I say this — check out my political career and the positions I held.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of 'Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.

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