Satire

The Everingham files: More Indonesian interceptions

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(Image via vice.com)

Senior correspondent Barry Everingham has been leaked more translations from telephone conversations intercepted by Australian intelligence agencies in Indonesia.

Telephone call from Madam Bambang to Indonesian Ambassador in Canberra

Would you please clarify something for me before PM Abbott gets here on his visit.

He seems a paradox. He claims he is the love child of former PM Howard and Speaker Bishop. Were that couple ever married and, if not, that does make PM Abbott a bastard?

And I'm am confused about the family status of Speaker Bishop and Foreign Minister Bishop. Is the Foreign Minister Speaker Bishop's daughter? And can you ascertain if Speaker Bishop has had intensive corrective work done on her face. I saw her on TV and she has a ... um ... very unique look.

Translation of further telephone call from the First Lady to her local Chinese take-away cafe

Hello, it's the Palace here. Can you deliver, as soon as possible, the following  order. Bring it to the private entrance and we'll pay by Visa.

Two serves of number 16, two of number 12, three portions of 22, and an extra large special fried rice. Please make sure the bacon in the fried rice is Halal. Oh, please also give me four dumplings. We have already had dinner but the President likes "afters". [Loud giggling.]

Leaked translation of telephone call from the President to the Indonesian ambassador in Canberra

Can you please clarify what the fuck is going on in Canberra? Are we dealing with a gaggle of morons? I'm here to tell you I'm not at all impressed by the bullying tone of the new guy. Where is he coming from?

And is that new Immigration Minister Morrison as dumb as he looks and sounds? And are all Christians  as cruel to the underdogs as that man?

Later that day a further call was intercepted

Look here, you had better see Foreign Minister Bishop and tell her all bets are off unless her government tones down the strong man stuff. Those hard eyes of hers  don't fool me one bit.

Be frank with her — the asylum seekers are Canberra's problems, not ours. We have enough of our own here to contend with but we will not tolerate any longer Australia's cruel and inhumane treatment of them.

And while you are at it, tell Bishop to tell the new boy they are not "illegals".

And by the way, who is this new clown Barnaby Joyce? He elevated arrogance to a high level in a conversation with our Agriculture minister. Is he what the Australians call a red neck ignoramos? He certainly behaves like one. And while you're at it, tell him not to bother to go ahead with  his planned visit; I'll decide when we're ready for his circus act.

Bloody Australians; I liked dealing with Gillard not these amateurs.

 
 

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