Dealing with America's 'Toddler in Chief'

The world’s walking on eggshells around a toddler with nukes — maybe it’s time we stopped playing his game, writes Mark Beeson.

ONE OF THE FEW good things to come out of the chaos that used to be known as the rules-based international order is that Australia is not alone in attempting to ingratiate itself with the Trump Administration. On the contrary, NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte has elevated obsequiousness to new toe-curling heights in an effort to win the approval of America’s increasingly authoritarian and autocratic leader.

Not only is it demeaning, but it’s unlikely to succeed. Trump has an ego the size of a planet and no amount of grovelling or fawning will ever be enough. This is a man who gives press conferences while in flight, unable to risk not being the centre of attention under any circumstances. Not only are such events seemingly conducted from toilets, but Secretary of State Marco Rubio is in there with him, too. Clearly the boss needs an audience for everything.

Political scientist Daniel Drezner brilliantly analysed this child-like craving for attention in The Toddler in Chief. Drezner’s verdict was that Trump’s unfortunate childhood and his troubled relationship with his father made him the ‘greatest example of pervasive developmental delay in American political history’.

Trump is using Iran as a distraction

As protests, scandals and economic chaos close in on home soil, Trump's focus on Iran seems more like a diversion than a defence strategy.

We are all living with the consequences of the most powerful man in the world having the emotional maturity of a three-year-old and thinking that life is a series of battles to be won, in which empathy is a sign of weakness. Even members of his inner circle who are no longer useful are abruptly dispensed with — even if their “failure” is imminent death or disgrace.

Given America’s still formidable power, as demonstrated by what Trump described as the “magnificent machines” that unilaterally and illegally attacked Iran, the rest of the world needs to find a way of dealing with him. Even though Americans may ultimately be some of the greatest victims of his impulsive authoritarian policies, we cannot be sure that their political and judicial system will be able to keep him in check, or even survive (at least) another three years of autocratic rule.

Slapping badly behaved children is rather frowned upon these days, but refusing to play games with them might be worth a try, especially as the next World Cup is scheduled to be played in the U.S., Canada and Mexico in 2026. Given that the Americans don’t really understand or like “soccer”, this takes some explaining in the first place. FIFA’s bosses, thinking that playing a winter game in the middle of summer is a good idea, might have something to do with all that money sloshing around in football these days, of course.

I realise that, as legendary Liverpool manager Bill Shankly pointed out, football is actually more important than life and death, but we could put the fate of the planet ahead of our personal preferences for once. Why not boycott the event, at least those bits staged in the U.S.? We’d have a good excuse, too: Immigration and Customs Enforcement (I.C.E.) would probably arrest all the South American teams as possibly illegal immigrants anyway.

More positively, we could try incentivising Donald to do something useful in the world. He’s obviously very keen to get the Nobel Peace Prize, so why don’t we promise to give it to him if he really follows through on his promise to stop the war in Ukraine and the slaughter in Gaza? In the unlikely event that he managed to do it, I don’t think there could be any real objection. After all, no one else has even come close.

Attack on Iran shows Trump's incredible weakness

Trump’s reckless strike on Iran has unleashed chaos, emboldened Israel, and brought the world closer to a catastrophic new war.

Once peace has broken out, we might even try to persuade Trump to turn his mind to the environment. I know this is a bit unlikely and he’d face much stiffer opposition from America’s fossil fuel companies than he would from Russia or Israel, but what if we suggested starting a petition and sending it to the Vatican recommending him for beatification if he does something serious about averting the looming climate catastrophe?

It's worth remembering that Trump thinks God spared him from assassination, and that he’s now on a divinely inspired mission.

Trump also gave God a special shout-out for His help at the press conference announcing the Iran attack:

“I want to just thank everybody, and in particular, God. I want to just say, we love you, God, and we love our great military.”

If that’s not an expression of sincere religiosity, it’s hard to know what is. Who knows, given that the new Pope’s another Yank, he might even get the nod from God, too.

Mark Beeson is an adjunct professor at the University of Technology Sydney and Griffith University. He was previously Professor of International Politics at the University of Western Australia.