Belinda Jones presents an introductory transcript of one of Australia's 'top' political events — the Budget Circus.
THE STREETS OF Canberra are preparing for this annual event, like roustabouts setting up a circus tent. Australian Parliament staff are scurrying about; press gallery journalists are preparing articles. The Budget Tree is at its glorious autumnal best.
Television producers are lining up an array of "experts" – who’ll predict what may or may not be announced in the Budget – to fill the endless hours of our 24/7 news cycle. And afterwards, the ramifications of what was or was not announced in the Budget.
Backbenchers and former politicians are scrambling to get a gig on TV next Tuesday night to give their opinions on Treasurer Jim Chalmers’ third Budget.
Digital artists are seeing to their visual presentations; camera crews are focused on Budget-night angles and locations; psephologists are formulating statistics. Bars are being stocked. Political parties prepping talking points. It’s all systems go.
Front and centre of this year’s circus is Ringmaster Chalmers. (Think long red coat, shiny black top hat and beaming smile.)
It’s showtime!
The ringmaster’s voice booms around the circus tent:
Roll up, roll up, the show is about to start. Take your seats, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and let your imaginations run wild while I take you on a journey beyond reality.
Get ready for stratospheric heights of galling hypocrisy and cognitive dissonance. Your eyes and ears will not deceive you: you’ll witness the most amazing contortions and hear everything from the sublime to the ridiculous!
Australians take their seats with wish-list tickets in hand, hoping for the best but preparing for the worst — to be dazzled but equally, disappointed.
As he starts the show, a spotlight shines on the ringmaster:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, for your entertainment pleasure, we have a special three-ring-circus spectacular this year.
In ring one, we have Senator James Paterson and Senator Sarah Henderson riding high on horses, respectively, named Libertarian Values and University Protests. This trapeze duo will climb to dizzying heights before walking the social-freedoms tightrope in ultra-sheer libertarian diamond-encrusted Lycra.
The ringmaster continues to dazzle the pearl-clutching crowd:
You won’t believe your eyes, ladies and gentlemen, as super-nimble Paterson backflips, pirouettes and tip-toes along the tightrope high, high above, while simultaneously balancing ideologies of freedom of speech and classical liberalism with censorship.
Henderson, too, will defy her core ideology as she tries to balance freedom of association and the right to peaceful protest by ostensibly imposing martial law. This daring duo will perform without a net.
And over in ring two, ladies and gentlemen, we have National Party Leader David Littleproud walking the balance beam over burning coals while chanting the libertarian mantra “we don’t need big government” — all while juggling his calls for Government intervention for this, that and the other.
The ringmaster's voice climbs an octave as the spotlight falls on ring two:
At any one time, Littleproud could be juggling several calls while up in the air, ranging in topic and level of dexterity! Anything from calling for increased supermarket regulation and e-cigarette regulation, to halting businesses engaged in the renewables rollout at his insistence that we must have a discussion about nuclear.
Speaking of nuclear – and before I get to the main event – a little bit of housekeeping is in order.
We are looking for some lost property. If anyone finds any detail on the Coalition’s nuclear policy please hand it in. Leader of the Opposition, Peter Dutton, needs it by Thursday for his Budget Reply — he’s a bit short on policy at the moment. Thank you and now back to the show.
A loud drumroll ushers in a nervous gasp of anticipation from the crowd, followed by laughter as a brightly coloured, horn-tooting, polka-dotted tiny clown car with a number plate reading "media" rolls into the centre ring. Clown after clown emerges from the tiny car — too many for the audience to count.
The ringmaster puffs out his chest, takes a deep breath and, in his deepest voice, bellows:
We have the most audacious and daring feat of role reversal seen between man and beast — lions taming their lion tamers. Can you believe it?!
In our centre ring, we will welcome Prime Minister Anthony Albanese and Minister for Resources Madeleine King along with their Future Gas Strategy lions, "Fossil" and "Fuel". These climate-denying lions defy expert warnings and will have their tamers jumping through flaming gas-fired hoops while the PM simultaneously diffuses a backbench “revolt”.
Of course, ladies and gentlemen, this is a dangerous time to perform a political backflip given our global-boiling environment. But fear not! In the event of a collateral political-capital damage emergency, I, as ringmaster, will rush in posthaste and smother any out-of-control public relations fires with my magical Budget dust, which sparkles with tax cuts! (And other shiny things to take everyone’s mind off what’s happening).
Enjoy the show! And don't forget to visit Sideshow Alley to complete your Budget Circus experience. Stop by Senator Bridget McKenzie’s shooting gallery and knock down the sitting ducks of National Party policy and ideology hypocrisy.
And your Budget Circus visit wouldn’t be complete without stopping in at "Saint Barnaby’s Morality Tent of Salvation" where you can hear Saint Barnaby Joyce The Virtuous wax lyrical on the morality of an infinite number of topics — which will, more likely than not, be a direct contradiction of his lived experience.
This year, we have a three-dimensional interpretation of the Liberal Party’s recycling policy — the "Ghost Gravy Train". You just might catch a glimpse of ghosts of politicians past – like Josh Frydenberg, Tim Wilson or Nicolle Flint – trying to resurrect their political careers. There is an election due within the year, after all.
Take a ride on the "Housing Slide" and climb to heights way beyond your financial capacity while your expectations slide back down to Earth in five seconds flat!
Please remember to grab a Budget Show Bag before you leave. Each bag comes with a ministerial action doll and four bobble-headed backbencher collectables to create your own press conference. Collect the whole set! Upgrade to "platinum" and receive 12 mainstream media figurines and other useless junk.
There may be some magical Budget dust left to sprinkle on you, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls — or there may not. Our Budget Finale largely depends on whether the anti-inflation vacuum is set to suck the sparkle out of life again this year.
Thank you for coming to Australia's Budget Circus... we hope you enjoy the show!
You can follow Belinda Jones on Twitter @belindajones68.
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