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Scotty from Marketing's 'Scott the Magnificent'

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Cartoon by Paul Dorin / @DorinToons

Basking in the afterglow of his National Press Club address, Prime Minister Scotty from Marketing relaxes at home with wife Jenny.

JENNY: You seem particularly pleased with yourself tonight, Scott. Must have gone well at the Press Club.

SCOTT: They lapped it up, Dear. I really had to hold back on saying a few hallelujahs during my speech. They were like disciples and I was their shepherd. But I’m feeling good for another reason.

JENNY: Really? Pray, tell.

SCOTT: I looked around the room and realised I am finally safe. No longer need I fear going the same route as Howard, Rudd, Gillard, Abbott or Turnbull. No tap on the shoulder from within the party room for me!

JENNY: John Howard was voted out by the people, not the party.

SCOTT: Don’t forget he was tapped on the shoulder, but told the bearer of bad news to piss off. No Dear, I looked at my colleagues and saw none had the credibility to ever stage a successful challenge to my leadership.

JENNY: Do go on.

SCOTT: Potato Pete, for instance. Lovely man and a great believer in the culture and skills of our Indigenous people. He showed that when his concern for the urban Indigenous people from his town losing touch with their traditional abilities led him to grab some of the local Indigenous youth. He threw them into the back of his divvy van, drove out to the middle of nowhere and dumped them — knowing they would have to get in touch with deeply ingrained but untapped cultural talents to find their way home unscathed, which they did. What a fine man and a great educator.

Even so, Potato Pete is more a duffer than a Dutton. Shocking with numbers. Let’s face it. He couldn’t organise a chook raffle, let alone a leadership spill. I’m where I am today because of his ineptitude.

And, he forgot to include a million-dollar property in his declaration to the Register of Members' Interests. He’s even botched up protecting our borders, letting 3,000 people off the Ruby Princess without having to go through customs. That’s not even mentioning the millions of dollars of government grants his child care centres have received. No threat from Potato Pete.

JENNY: Josh could be a problem. Quite often the Treasurer ends up the new leader.

SCOTT: Josh from Accounts?! You’re kidding me, aren’t you? I knew he was useless with figures years ago. His $60 billion botch-up came as no surprise. I said, “Josh, if one is 15, what’s two?” Josh says, "30". Then I go, ”So what’s three?” Josh says, "40". How good is that?!

JENNY: Where were you when you asked Josh?

SCOTT: At the Kooyong Tennis Club.

JENNY: Honestly Scott. There are times I just don’t understand you.

SCOTT: Really? Why?

JENNY: Don’t worry. Who else?

SCOTT: Mathias Cormann. Has no credibility since Turnbull’s book. The public will never trust a cigar-smoking Schwarzenegger impersonator who can’t even get the famous “I’ll be back” quote right. Meathead Mathias, for his party trick, keeps saying, “I’ll stab you in the back”. Complete idiot.

JENNY: Greg Hunt is getting lots of media coverage and seems to be doing well.

SCOTT: How good is Greg Hunt?! I can tell you. No bloody good. I can stitch him up easy as pie. Remember the 10,000,000 downloads of the virus tracing app essential to the opening of the economy? And what did we end up with? 6,000,000 downloads. I’ll make sure he’s left carrying the can for that false assertion.

If he gets a bit uppity I’ll organise a photoshoot of him standing next to Delta Goodrem. Fair dinkum, he’d barely come up to her knees. Way too short to be seen as a nation’s leader.

JENNY: Christian Porter is getting good press.

SCOTT: Don’t worry about him, Dear — despite his wonderful first name. If he gets a bit too big for his boots I’ll sow the seed the union boss woman, McManus, radicalised him and turned him into a Communist. 

JENNY: Simon Birmingham?

SCOTT: Old Big Ears?! No one ever takes a big-ears seriously. And I’ll blame him for stuffing up our trade with China.

JENNY: Dan Tehan?

SCOTT: Now you’re not being fair dinkum. I made him Education Minister because he sounds like he repeated Grade 5 eight years in a row. No, Dear. I’m sweet for years.

JENNY: You haven’t mentioned any women, Dearest.

SCOTT: Now I know you’re not fair dinkum. The women! Women! A woman winning a leadership spill? Come off it! This is the Federal Liberal Party. You are too funny, Dear.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of '42+1: The (Real) Meaning of Life' and Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.

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