Satire Opinion

Scott Morrison's magnificent four-phase plan

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(Image by Dan Jensen)

Scott of Cronulla explains his four-phase solution to, well, just about everything. Listen in as he addresses the nation.

MORRISON: Australians. I have each and every one of you in my heart. Men, women, boys, girls. How good is that? We can be compartmentalised into four sections. Bonzer, I say. Not five or 25, but four distinct groupings.

Therein lies my animosity towards all these new LGBTABCXYZ types. Can’t all fit into four boxes. No. There’s a truckload of that pan, bi, trans, auto, etcetera, etcetera. You know the drill by now. I say keep it simple, mate. Men, women, boys, girls. That’s all you need to say.

Let me explain why four phases is good and why four phases will work to get Australia smoking again. Errr, I mean cooking on gas again.

What are we famous for in this land of ours down under? Sport, sport and more sport. Cricket, a game of four innings in total. Our own indigenous AFL football; four quarters. Basketball; four quarters. Tennis — and how good are we at tennis?! How good is Ash, err, I mean Ashleigh Barty? How good was Rocket Rod, Evonne and many, many, more?

The perfect game, four points in total: 15/love, 30/love, 40/love, game. How many in a relay team? Four. How many different swimming strokes in a medley? Four. Catch my drift?

Let’s turn to the arts world. Nothing is bigger than music. Biggest music phenomena the world has, or ever will, experience — The Beatles. The Fab Four: John, Paul, George and Ringo. How many Rolling Stones were there? Five. The Dave Clark Five. What happened to them? No one knows, or cares. How do most songs start? With a count of one, two, three, four. There’s that number again — four.

Whenever I seek clarity, I turn inward to my own family. Jen and our two lovely daughters. Jen clarifies things for me just by being Jen. Jen, myself, Libby, Abbey. How many is that? Four. How good is that? No wonder we have the perfect marriage.

I sense there are those amongst our numbers who doubt and are spurious about the value and efficacy of the number four. It is no secret I am a believer; indeed, the Lord uses me to do his work. The Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit. That only totals three. There’s your theory of four down the dunny. But, if you add “Me” to that number, it totals four. The Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit and Me. Me meaning each one of us. How good is that?!

I’m sure some are wondering why, if I am so enchanted by the number four, I involve myself in an enterprise such as politics, which as we know has three tiers. Federal, state and local. Same thing. Add your own personal politics and it becomes that magical four tiers.

Now to the matter at hand. My four-phase step out of the clutches of the pernicious COVID-19, Sars 2 virus. Vaccines and quarantine. That’s the plan, but so far not a very good plan. Well, those days are gone. I’ve come up with a new plan and Jen is proud of me for coming up with such a good, new plan. I know this for a fact because Jen told me she is proud of me for being so clever and coming up with my new plan.

Henceforth, there’ll be no mention of quarantine. It shall exclusively be referred to as “quarantining” — four syllables. Vaccines are to be exclusively referred to as “vaccination” or “vaccinating” — both possessing four syllables.

The prerequisite to entering phase two is the completion of phase one and so on and so on, through to the successful implementation and completion of stage four. Under the Morrison Government, there’ll be no jumping straight from phase one to phase four, or three. One leads to two, then two on to three, and three to four. Logical, easy to follow, sensible. That is what I call good governance.

If I may finish on a slightly more self-indulgent note. I am aware I am often identified by my love of the Cronulla Sharkies, an NRL team. They play two halves, not four quarters. Well, as I said, if you have a go you get a go. In rugby union, if you have a try you get a try and how many point for a try? Four.

My name, Morrison, is only three syllables. Well, add my first name – Scott – and what have you got? Scott Morrison. Four syllables.

My four-phase plan is a winner. Have faith.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of 'Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.

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