Trashing the brand of Scott

Independent Australia asked many high profile people called Scott, both past and present, how they feel Scott Morrison has impacted the brand of Scott.

IA: We are with Aussie favourite, Scott Cam, on the set of The Block. How you doing, Scott?

CAM: Going great guys. Good to meet you.

IA: Would you ever consider having the Prime Minister as a contestant on your show?

CAM: No bloody way mate. Wouldn’t set foot in a house Scott Morrison claimed to have built. One sneeze and it would tumble down on you. The guy sees imaginary nails and thinks he has nailed them into walls. House of cards, mate.

IA: Scott Pendlebury, Collingwood captain. How would you feel if Scott Morrison was signed to play for the Pies?

PENDLEBURY: Kidding me aren’t you? Look at him. He thinks of pies as meat or apple pies, not an elite AFL club. Imagine him taking a mark. No hope of quick ball movement. Out would come his phone: 50 selfies taken with him thumbs up cradling the ball against his ribs.

Scotty from Photo Ops enjoys some me time

Independent Australia is granted access to document Scotty Morrison taking time out from his gruelling Photo Ops schedule to relax at home.

IA: On the course with 2013 PGA Masters winner Adam Scott. What about Scott Morrison?

ADAM SCOTT: If he plays golf with the same lack of follow-through he displays after making some grand announcement, honestly, it would take him 10 shots to get the ball off the tee.

With the aid of technology, IA travels back to past times.

IA: We're here with human dynamo, AC/DC’s Bon Scott. Jamming with Scott Morrison. How would that be?

BON SCOTT: No way, you idiot. If that tosser ever got on stage with the AC/DC lads he’d have us sounding like "Bucks Fizz" before we’d even get to the first chorus. He doesn't get anywhere near us.

IA: Staying with music. We're with Scotty Moore, Elvis Presley’s guitarist. Opinion regarding Scott Morrison being in your band?

SCOTTY MOORE: Donald Trump as President makes more sense than that. The only song he’d play would be "Blue Hawaii" but he’d insist we don’t mention him in the credits.

Could you imagine seeing Scott Morrison on stage standing three metres away from Elvis? Talk about a career killer. Imagine all of those Elvis impersonators who’d be out of work.

IA: We're with the late, great Scott Walker. Thoughts on Scott Morrison?

SCOTT WALKER: Don’t like the man. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth that guy. I wrote several songs with him in mind.

IA: Really? Which ones?

SCOTT WALKER: The Old Man’s Back Again, after the 2019 election. On Your Own Again: lockdowns due to his lack of discrete quarantine centres and sluggish vaccination rates. Plastic Palace People, an obvious reference to the Federal Cabinet.

IA: We're in the internationally recognised Ronnie Scott's Jazz Club. Ronnie, how would Scott Morrison fit in to what your club offers?

RONNIE SCOTT: Wouldn’t cut it, even as a busboy. I know jazz vocalists often don’t use actual words for lyrics, but none of them if any of them ever sing in tongues. I can tell you Scott Morrison is damaging the brand Scott big time.

ScoMo and Mike go to a garage sale

ScoMo and Elvis meet in the PM's backyard and make a spur of the moment decision to attend a local garage sale.

IA: From music to the words of F. Scott Fitzgerald. Are you impressed with our Scott Morrison?

F.SCOTT FITZGERALD: Next you’ll ask me if a solid bout of haemorrhoids ever hurt anyone? I can tell you Scott Morrison is a total pain in the ass. As a writer, he’d struggle to come up with a decent supermarket shopping list. As for writing something along the lines of The Great Gatsby, he’d need a ghostwriter for starters, and even then it would be more like The Mediocre Godly. Total waste of space.

IA: Speaking of space, I am down in Antarctica with Robert Falcon Scott, better known as "Scott of the Antarctic". Jolly cold down here. Just as well we're clobbered up in the new thermal gear, unlike Scott. Tell us what your feelings are regarding Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison.

SCOTT OF THE ANTARCTIC: That useless prick Scott Morrison! Guarantee you, he’d announce he’s off to the South Pole, get heaps of photos taken of him in the goggles and garb, then once we get to Wilsons Promontory, he’d pull the pin. If he led my expedition he’d be known today as "Scott of the Prom".

IA: We give up. We haven’t found one Scott, even travelling back into history, with a kind word to say about Scott Morrison. If only they were all eligible to vote at the next election.