President Trumpet: Real news, not fake

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(Image via @animalstockholm)

David Meech reports all the real news – not fake news – about President Trumpet, some of which involves Prime Minister Trombone.

FURTHER to the President Trumpet's assertion that the media only ever prints fake news, this entire story will now be one hundred per cent factual.

President Trumpet, who uses a gigantic fake swoop-over to impress women, has urged a move towards more truthful politics.

The Trumpet, who has so far insulted Mexico, Iran, China, Sweden and Prime Minister Trombone from Australia, said:

"I am very, very good at negotiations."

President Trumpet has promised to sort out ancient conflicts in the Middle East once and for all. The United States of America, currently struggling on a daily basis to contain ongoing racial profiling among their police force and whose schools often see more bullets flying about than a busy day in Gaziantep, will solve intricate 1,000-year-old ethnic and tribal tensions throughout the Arab Peninsula very, very quickly.

Trumpet wants a more coordinated attack on ISIS, who are stealing vast tracts of land, imposing new religions, enforcing moral dress codes and executing locals for their beliefs. This new moral order will surprisingly come from the Americans, whose ancestors stole vast tracts of land, imposed a new religion, enforced a moral dress code and executed native inhabitants for their beliefs.

Indeed, these modern day representatives of the International Society of Immigrant Settlers, whose ancestors declared war on Mexico and then stole their territory before overthrowing democratically elected presidents in South and Central America, will oppose tyranny at every turn.

There are no plans to give Hawaii back.

Terrorism and torture will no longer be tolerated, such as the waterboarding of bewildered Arabs at Guantanamo Bay as supervised by AMA member doctors who signed the Hippocratic Oath. Further, the Mega President – whose mother was Scottish – will oppose immigration on the basis that it can produce violent, narcissistic individuals who simply do not fit into civilised society. Many Arab states have been placed on a blacklist, excepting the U.S.' great ally Saudi Arabia, who provided 15 of the 19 hijackers involved in 9/11.

Recalcitrant states will be forced into democratic freedoms with a peace force made up of people who, if they were slightly more peaceful would not, of course, be using so much force. Although not yet having experienced direct democracy themselves, as they still persist with an antiquated Electoral College, Americans will urge recalcitrant nations to become fully democratic. Insurgent nations who insist on defending themselves will be urged to adopt democratic constitutions — such as the Constitution of the United States, which failed over decades to limit the number of black citizens stretched by their necks in the Southern States and was then used to further McCarthyism, in order to get citizens to tell the government who they voted for.

Issues in Syria will be solved very, very quickly through a thinktank of nations comprised of the U.S., Russia, China, France and Britain — being the nations who are in fact supplying all the bullets, missiles, bombs, mines and drones involved in that current conflict.

The region will no longer be terrorised by despots such as Saddam Hussein — who was once supplied with arms by the U.S. when they were fighting Iran and was then sold anthrax by an American chemical company.

Freedom of information will be enabled through the "interwebs", which are fully owned by the United States.

North Korea, who have been pretending to develop a single untested nuclear bomb for the past ten years, will not be tolerated by President Trumpet who, though he does not read books, has access to a red button that can destroy Planet Earth 147 times over.

President Trumpet, sponsored by Twitter, will then turn around the trade deficit with China, mainly by overturning decades-old strategic business decisions from the wealthy business managers who voted for him. He will be very, very harsh on China, who are the second biggest foreign holders of U.S. debt and currently supply almost all of its manufacturing plants.

A great wall will then be fully constructed by underpaid Mexicans to keep out any PhD graduates. Any undocumented immigrants who landed on American shores anytime after 4 July 1776 will quickly be asked to leave. Extreme fundamentalists will be directly escorted to the Mexican border — apart from those who may be donors to the Republican Party.

Further, China will be discouraged from any aggressive acts in the China Sea by the U.S. of A., who has been at war for 222 years of their 240-year existence — when it used to be great. Britain, who invaded all but 22 countries around the globe and then fought a full-scale war on the Falkland Islands – a group of windblown, microscopic pinpoints remarkably close to Argentina – supports this bold initiative towards a more reasonable Chinese territorial policy.

President Trumpet will then bring back all production (apparently now mostly robots) from China and hopefully straight back to the right side of the wall, and not the side with all the cheap labour rates, non-existent environmental restrictions and low production costs.

Trumpet who spent hours and hours pretending to fire people on reality television shows said:

"China needs to get real."

Trumpet will create an ongoing relationship with President Putin very, very quickly. The U.S. President, who entered the business fraternity with a $20 million gift from his Daddy will stand right up to Putin, who was raised in a Russian slum tenement, learned boxing and later joined the KGB so that he could take over the Russian Mafia, putting to death at least ten of his political opponents.

He can also wrestle bears.

Speaking of zealots and insurgents, Trumpie was caught praying to Jesus who – like Bernie Sanders – seems to have been something of a Jewish socialist. Sadly, Jesus will not be granted a visa should he turn up anytime soon.

President Trumpet insists he will grab this world by the pussy and shake it very, very hard.

Read more by David Meech at

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