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Pauline Hanson’s School of Oneness

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(Caricature courtesy Bruce Keogh / keoghcartoons.com.au)

Firebrand Senator Pauline Hanson continues to expand her sphere of influence. IA joins her as she addresses the student body on day one at her new primary school, Pauline Hanson’s School of Oneness, detailing 'Principal Pauline's Principles'.

HANSON: Good morning, children.

STUDENTS: Good morning, Miss Hanson.

HANSON: Isn’t this exciting? A new school, first day! And how good do all of youse look in your new uniforms? It’s so lovely to see a sea of orange — and don’t the orange school shoes come up a treat!

Well, don’t they?

STUDENTS: Yes, Miss Hanson.

HANSON: And the lovely orange tunics for the girls and orange shorts for the boys. Really lovely. But remember, at my school, only the girls are allowed to wear the tunics. If I catch any of the boys wearing the girls' tunics, there’ll be hell to pay. Literally, hell to pay. Is that clear?!

STUDENTS: Yes, Miss Hanson.

HANSON: Now I’m sure we’ll all have a fun time together, but there are certain school rules. And the punishment if you break them, I must read out to you.

But before I do that, remember to tell your parents you can always buy new uniforms at very reasonable prices – plus all your stationery requirements – at our school supplies store, which is run by the nice Mr James Ashby and myself.

And hasn’t Mr Ashby done a wonderful job designing and printing our school crest? A teacher with a cattle prod, rather than a ruler, in their hand. Wonderful, isn’t it? Well, isn’t it?!

STUDENTS: Yes, Miss Hanson. It’s wonderful.

HANSON: Now, to the rules and punishments.'

Principal Pauline's Principles:

  1. First and most important school rule. Principal Pauline's Principle number one: Do not disagree with anything Principal Pauline Hanson says. Ever! 
    Punishment — (Preps to Grade 3) running three kilometres, wearing a 20 kg backpack; (Grades 4 to 6) Running six kilometres, wearing a 25 kg backpack.
  2. Principal Pauline's Principle number two: Always be punctual to class.
    Punishment — (Same punishment for preps through to grade 6) You shall be removed from the classroom via the teacher twisting your ear. Once outside, you will be herded back into the classroom by your teacher applying a cattle prod to your body until you are back in your seat.
  3. Principal Pauline's Principle number three: No student is allowed to wear a hijab and – despite the burqa I wore into the Senate now on display in the entrance foyer – most definitely, no burqas are to be worn.
    Punishment — (Preps to Grade 3) Waterboarding to be applied on and off for ten minutes; (Grades 4 to 6) Waterboarding to be applied on and off for 20 minutes.

For those who may think I am anti-Muslim, I say this: it is just by chance that none of our 800 students is Muslim. I acknowledge we currently only have one non-Caucasian person enrolled. And let’s make our little chink friend feel very welcome. Stand up, dear, and tell everyone your name.

A little girl of Asian appearance stands up and softly says her name.

GIRL: Sumyoungyou.

HANSON: What was that dear?

GIRL: Sumyoungyou.

HANSON: Goodness, gracious! We can’t be expected to remember or pronounce a name like that! Somedumbdimsim. No, that won’t do at all. Everyone?

STUDENTS: Yes, Miss Hanson.

HANSON: From now on, we’ll call our little chink friend here, Pauline. Pauline is a lovely name. Easy to say, easy to remember, but a little hard to spell. Everyone agree? 

STUDENTS: Yes, Miss Hanson.

HANSON: Good. That’s settled. You can sit down now Pauline.

The little girl looks confused and remains standing.

HANSON: Come on, now. There’s a good girl. Sit down, Pauline. Sit down.

She remains standing.

HANSON: Don’t you come the-Mao-Tse-Tung on me, little girl. Sit down, or there’ll be no dim sims for you today.

She remains standing and begins to cry.

HANSON: Right. Mr Roberts, who you will meet, is our senior history teacher. Mr Roberts, get your cattle prod and force our little communist to sit down.

ROBERTS: Whatever you say, Pauline.

Roberts rushes over and applies the cattle prod. Sumyoungyou screams and sits down, weeping hysterically.

HANSON: Now, go off to your classrooms with your new teachers and, have fun! Be yourself. Express yourselves freely because, remember, our school motto: The only thing that's free here is speech.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of 'Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.

You can purchase Rocky's book, 'Stoney Broke and the High Spenders' from the IA store here. The CD '42/68' by Rocky and the Two Bob Millionaires is also available from the IA store here.

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