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Gladys boasts about how her Government is teaching us to 'live with COVID'

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Cartoon by Mark David/@mdavidcartoons

We join NSW’s Premier Gladys Berejiklian at her daily 11 am press conference.

Behind her stand Brad Hazzard, Kerry Chant and Michael Fuller.

BEREJIKLIAN: Good morning. If I may start with a little gripe. I am rather annoyed my Government is not getting enough credit for showing the rest of Australia how to live with COVID, err, except of course for those Australians who have died and those who will die of COVID. Those unfortunate souls hadn’t and won’t learn our lessons in how to live with COVID.

Whilst I’m on the topic of people dying, I may as well get this out of the way. Sadly nine people have perished, expired, carked it, died in the 24 hours till 8 this morning. Before you rabbit on how sad that is, none were double vaxxed, most had underlying health issues and, most importantly, they all came from Labor electorates.

Due to the excellent work of my Government in getting all the settings right, all of the time, up to ten close friends and relatives can attend their funerals.

Now for vaccination numbers: 192,306 in one day and we are only days away from having 100 per cent of private school students, and their voting parents, inoculated. The cleaning staff at these prestigious private schools and colleges are on course to be 80 per cent vaccinated by early December. We really are one hell of a Government.

As for new virus numbers, only 2,318 in the last 24 hours, and importantly, only 103 of them are in Coalition electorates.

If I may turn attention back to the really good news about funeral attendees numbers. 10 attendees. Divide ten by five and that gives you two. This means funeral attendees can separate into two groups of five and enjoy a picnic in the park afterwards.

Because things are going so well in our State, due to decisions my Government has made, after completing their picnic, people can kick on exercising for hours, as long as they get back home by 9 pm.

I am aware several scurrilous claims have been propagated by agitators disenchanted with my Government’s handling of the pandemic, claiming my incompetence has placed Victoria, New Zealand and The ACT in peril. In answer to these lowlifes, I say, rubbish.

Even if you give credence to such a vulgar claim, look more closely. No real damage done. Victoria, ACT and New Zealand, what do they have in common? All under Labor or Labour governments. No big deal.

As I said, things couldn’t be going any better than they are.

The Premier hears a thud behind her, turns to see Health Minister Hazzard has collapsed and is lying on the floor. 

BEREJIKLIAN: Is there a doctor in the house? What am I saying? Kerry. You’re a doctor.

KERRY CHANT: Yes I am.

BEREJIKLIAN: Help Hazzard, will you Kerry? See, I told you. Nothing to worry about here. Look how well prepared we are. Medical staff on hand, to take care of every situation.

KERRY CHANT: He’s not looking good Premier. We’re ringing for an ambulance.

BEREJIKLIAN: Wonderful. I’ll hand over to Police Commissioner Michael Fuller, who has more good news for us.

COMMISSIONER FULLER: Great news regarding Minister Christian Porter. Despite having a minor cough and a slightly runny nose, we have deemed Minister Porter is in no need of undergoing a COVID test and not required to quarantine. To sum things up, nothing to see here.

BEREJIKLIAN: Thank you, Commissioner Fuller. Always good to end on an upbeat tone. Don’t be concerned about Minister Hazzard. He is in good hands and we are assured an ambulance will be here any minute.

Premier Berejiklian turns and walks away, leaving a flush-faced Dr Chant feverishly performing CPR on Minister Hazzard. 

90 minutes later an ambulance arrives to take Minister Hazzard to hospital.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of 'Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.

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