Coalition MP Barnaby Joyce has rejected criticism from the Opposition about not compiling a final report for his Drought Envoy role.
"I actually sent heaps of reports to the Prime Minister," Mr Joyce told the Seven Network.
According to Mr Joyce, the reports were in the form of text messages sent directly to Prime Minister Morrison.
In a stunning development, Independent Australia was leaked these texts yesterday. We include a small selection of them below.
JOYCE OVERJOYED AT BECOMING ENVOY — UNSURE ABOUT REQUIREMENTS
Tuesday, 28 August 2018
10.22 AM: Hey mate, no wucken furries about that drought envoy job. I'm all over it! Just one thing, Skiddy… WTF’s an "envoy"? I don’t need to do lapdances, do I? LOL!
10.39 AM: Nah seriusly, Skidmark, what the farks an envoy? It sounds a bit homo. Sorry mate, it does!
10.45 AM: Oh yeah? Right. Well, it still sounds a bit fruity to me. Can we make it a bit more manly? Y’know? How about Drought Killer? Or Drought Smasher?
10.46 AM: Oh wait! I’ve got it… “Drought Crusher”. How grouse is that?! Anyway, you know what you're doing Skid, I'll leave it in your very crapable hands. LOL!
ON THE ROAD — IN THE RIVER(INA)
Thursday, 8 November 2018
6.16 PM: Skiddy, mate. Why aren't you picking up my calls? I need to chat mate. Seriusly!
8.42 PM: Pick up mate. Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up! Come on!! Huge night! No idea where I am. Riverina, I think.
9.37 PM: Oh shit! I just fell over. Fuck, I'm in the river! The Murray! Hahaha! I'm alright mate. Oh farrrrgggg!
Friday, 9 November 2018
1.37 AM: FARRRRRGGG!!! I’M FARRGINNNN PIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSED!!!!! SKIDDEE YAAAA FATTTT FARGENN CNTTTT! CNNNNNTTT!! %#^((&ppprrrra>>*’’’’’’’’’’
11.08 AM: Hey mate, did I call you last night? I have the worst hangover and the hotel room smells like dank river water for some reason!?! Also, my bed's full of fish. Carrrrrrrpppppp!!!!
BROKEN HILL TO BROKEN AXLE
Wednesday, 10 March 2019
2.12 PM: Holy shit, Skid, this Broken Hill is a dump!! I reckon the hill is the only thing that isn't completely stuffed! And as dry as a nun's nasty! Or so Tony tells me!! Hahaha! LOL!!
Friday, 15 March 2019
11.41 AM: I reckon I might be a bit lost. I'm in a place called "Oodnadatta". Not sure what state. Any ideas?
11.48 AM: Bugger it, Skidoo! It's beer o'clock!! Hey mate, fn loven this drought envoy job, eh!!!!
Thursday, 26 March 2019
10.01 AM: Hey Skiddly Diddly, I smashed up the car! Shit!! Can you send a new one to the Stuart Hotel, Katherine? No hurry, mate. I reckon I’ll be here for a while! LOL!!
You can follow managing editor Dave Donovan on Twitter @davrosz.
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