AUDIO EXCLUSIVE: Peter 'PeDon' Dutton speaks to IA

Independent Australia’s Michelle Pini spoke to Federal Opposition Leader, former Queensland drug cop and international teen heart-throb, Peter Craig Dutton, about how he is going to make Australia great again.

MICHELLE PINI: So, you don’t hate boat people?

PETER DUTTON: Stop trying to twist my words. That’s the trouble with you politically correct Lefties at the ABC! Of course, I do! But I also bitterly despise many, many, many other sections of the community.

TRANSCRIPT

MICHELLE PINI: I am here on the veranda of Peter Dutton’s high-set Queenslander home – up on stilts – located on the glorious, scenic southern swamplands of Rockhampton.

We are looking out over his 100-acre Yeppen pumpkin and potato farm, having a cup of tea and talking about what the new year may bring for the Federal Opposition Leader.

Mr Dutton, thank you for making time to speak to us from the picturesque marshlands of dank, humid, mosquito-infested Central Queensland.

PETER DUTTON: G’day Michelle, it is great to have you in my home. I’d just like to make the point, however, that we are in Yeppoon — but that commie, pinko Labor Leader Albanese calls it Yeppen and now it’s caught on with the locals.

PINI: I believe Yeppoon is actually 38 kilometres in the opposite dire—

DUTTON: (Interrupting) That’s just Leftist propaganda. This is how fake news spreads.

PINI: Um, let’s just leave that for now.

DUTTON: (Interrupting) So, as I was saying, growing root vegetables for my own private purposes is a guilty pleasure of mine.

PINI: Oh, have you been working hard on the farm over the holiday break?

DUTTON: Not really. I’ve been practising my smile in front of the mirror in the hallway powder room.

PINI: Okey dokey. Well, we spoke with Elite Liberal Party Strategy Team chief strategist Billy Bobby Brown recently about the rebranding of Peter Dutton, following on from the spectacular success of “ScoMo” for your predecessor. How do you feel about this initiative?

DUTTON: Well, I seldom have thoughts on this type of issue — or indeed any other sort of issue, as a matter of fact. I usually leave this sort of thing to the elite strategy team, the Bi-Annual Liberal Strategy and Communication Secretariat, you know, the BALSACS team.

However, I do find the whole smiling thing quite disagreeable.

PINI: Mmm. Well, can you tell me which of the two proposed nicknames you prefer, PeDo or PeDon?

DUTTON: PeDo seemed to me to be the most appropriate and no one in our highly-skilled team can understand why it didn’t catch on with the focus groups. Given that piss-poor result, it seems PeDon is likely to get the gold.

PINI: So… your root vegetable growing… err… fetish is the reason you came to Yeppen?

DUTTON: Yeppoon. And no. Actually, I came up here to check for stray boats filled with illegal immigrants.

PINI: But, Mr Dutton, err… PeDon … we are 20 miles inland.

DUTTON: That’s exactly what those people smugglers would have you believe! Another yam, Michelle?

PINI: No, thanks. What do you say to your critics who claim you have an inordinate amount of hatred for so-called “boat people"?

DUTTON: Well, that’s just more greenie, woke, commie Lefty nonsense, Michelle.

PINI: So, you don’t hate boat people?

DUTTON: Stop trying to twist my words! That’s the trouble with you politically correct Lefties at the ABC! Of course, I do! But I also bitterly despise many, many, many other sections of the community.

PINI: Independent Australia isn’t actually the ABC…

DUTTON: More fake news.

PINI: Okay… well at least the smile hasn’t left your face.

DUTTON: I wish it could. It’s beginning to look a lot like rictus.

PINI: Um… so who else do you, ah, hate?

DUTTON: Well, pinko Lefties, obviously.

PINI: I see.

DUTTON: Also, Africans, Lebanese, Pacific Islanders, Aboriginals… Another sweet potato, Michelle?

PINI: No.

DUTTON: Oh, and women, obviously.

PINI: Alrighty then. We’ll have to leave it there. Mr Dutton, thank you for your time.

DUTTON: Especially woke women. All women, actually… except Suss-ssan Lay... Ley and also Prue McSwine... McSween.

PINI: Thank you.

DUTTON: To be honest, Prue is very annoying…

PINI: (Cutting him off) I’m Michelle Pini from Independent Australia, thank you for tuning in to our interview with Opposition Leader Peter Dutton.

DUTTON: (In the background) Also those LGB… XYZ... BLT people…

PINI: Right, goodbye.

(Advertisement for Chum dog food plays.)

DUTTON: (Still in the distance) Muslims of all descriptions… Mexicans… Aitais… Greeks... Spanish... South Africans, apart from the White ones...

Listen on YouTube HERE:

Written and performed by Dave Donovan and Michelle Pini. Produced by Dan Jensen.

You can follow IA founder and director Dave Donovan @davrosz, managing editor Michelle Pini on Twitter @vmp9 and digital editor Dan Jensen @DanJensenIA. Follow Independent Australia on Twitter @independentaus and on Facebook HERE.