In an exclusive interview, Prime Minister Scott Morrespin discusses the latest Cabinet reshuffle and his exciting plans from changing the culture within his party.
I have set up a whole new Cabinet just for the little ladies. I mean, there was all that talk about women feeling left out of our Big Swinging Dicks’ Club. Well now they have their very own little club and I’ve called it, the Pretty Little Chicks’ Club.
~ PM Scott Morrespin
Listen on Soundcloud HERE:
ANNE ARDASARKUP: Good morning and a very warm welcome, Australia, to The Sun Rises.
Some of you may have noticed the departure of Sam Armasuckup. Well, I’m the new improved host, Anne Ardasarkarp!
And what a special show we have for you today, viewers. We can hardly contain our excitement here because we are to be joined by the Prime Minister of our nation, the very hot … I mean, the very Honorable Scott Morrespin.
But before we speak to your hero and mine, here’s a quick word from our fabulous sponsors at the Empathy Class Warehouse.
(Empathy Class Warehouse advertisement plays)
ANNE ARDASARKUP: And now, I am so humbled and excited to introduce that selfless protector of women everywhere, the Prime Minister for Men, Mr Scott Morrespin! An extra warm welcome to you, Mr Prime Minister.
PM SCOTT MORRESPIN: Thank you, Anne. It’s my pleasure to peak with you on top of this current affair … I mean, it’s my pleasure to speak with you on this top current affairs program.
ANNE ARDASARKUP: We do aim to please, Prime Minister.
Now, before we speak to you about the wonderful grants program you have set up with Empathy Class Warehouse, can we ask you to discuss a small women’s problem that’s clearly been blown out of all proportion by certain, grubby non-News Corp media organisations and, as always, those filthy, disgusting, sewer rats on Twitter?
PM SCOTT MORRESPIN: Well, I’m quite busy, but I guess I can make some time for the ladies. After all, as I always remind people, some of my closest family members are ladies… or their younger, child equivalents.
ANNE ARDASARKUP: Indeed, Prime Minister. It seems certain people in the media have their knickers in a knot, pardon my French (giggles), accusing you of glossing over these women’s issues with a Cabinet reshuffle. Now, there is a bit of a list here, which I will attempt to sum up.
These … critics … say you have ignored and covered up the alleged rape of Brittany Higgins; that you’ve declined to call an inquiry into alleged Cabinet rapist Christian Porter; that you refused to meet with those saucy and quite unladylike organisers of the #March4Justice protests; that you’ve ignored Liberal Party staffers … ah … spilling certain hot liquids on lady MP's desks. How do you respond to these allegations, Mr Prime Minister?
PM SCOTT MORRESPIN: Well, Anne, let me tell you a thing or two about how I’ve handled these alleged women’s issues.
Firstly, people make all sorts of allegations against our parliament, against our wonderful, selfless Cabinet members, who selflessly give so much to the community everywhere all over our great big huge land. To kiddies, to men, even sometimes to women, occasionally. And let me tell you, Anne, I take these allegations very seriously — especially if there could be CCTV footage!
ANNE ARDASARKUP: Of course, you do Prime Minister. This is fascinating. Please, do go on.
PM SCOTT MORRESPIN: Thank you. Now, I have certainly not ignored any of these allegations. I have taken them very seriously. Very, very seriously indeed. In fact, I have sent more men off to these wonderful empathy classes than I’ve had cold beers with the Eels.
Let’s see, I’ve sent the alleged Higgins rapist whose name must be protected, of course, off to some anti-date rape lessons at the Warehouse. I’ve sent my mate, Christian Porter, despite being innocent of all allegations off to the Warehouse’s patented anti-lunatic lessons — not that he needs them! In fact, I’ve sent every wanker who comes across my desk to one of those lessons. I dare say I’ve sent more men off to empathy training than you’ve changed pretty little outfits, Anne – and a very pretty little outfit you have on today, if I may say so. You fill your new role very well indeed, if you know what I mean…
ANNE ARDASARKUP: (Giggles) Oh, thank you, Prime Minister — I love it when you fill me in … about women’s issues. Ahem.
Now, Prime Minister Morrespin, clearly you have done so much already. But what about the latest allegations of sexual impropriety by Federal Liberal MP Andrew Laming and NSW Coalition member Michael Johnsen? You’ve been accused of ignoring their behaviour. What do you have to say to that, Prime Minister?
PM SCOTT MORRESPIN: Dear me, Annie. I have looked very closely indeed – forensically, you might say – at Andrew Laming’s candid, tasteful and artistic photographs of the female form as seen up the models’ skirts, and I accept his explanation. He was merely doing on the spot health checks. And given he is a qualified gynaecologist, these ladies were lucky he didn’t ask them for a Medicare gap payment!
ANNE ARDASARKUP: Of course, Prime Minister. But didn’t Michael Johnsen send photographs of a personal nature off to women while he was sitting in Parliament? And didn’t Andrew Laming stalk and harass women on social media?
PM SCOTT MORRESPIN: Yes, I’m glad you brought that up, Anniekins. It’s disgusting to think Andrew’s tasteful anatomical photographs of the female form, which he freely shared with the world via open social media platforms, were degraded by those revolting grubs on Facebook and Twitter.
Which leads me to share my latest and very comprehensive policy, Combatting Women... I mean, Combatting Women’s Issues.
ANNE ARDASARKUP: Do tell, Prime Minister! I’m sure there are ladies listening to us right now that can’t wait to hear how you will fix their little problems.
PM SCOTT MORRESPIN: Onya, Annie. Exactly right. I have set up a whole new Cabinet just for the little ladies. I mean there was all that talk about women feeling left out of our Big Swinging Dicks’ Club. Well now they have their very own little club and I’ve called it, the Pretty Little Chicks’ Club.
ANNE ARDASARKUP: Oh my goodness, you are inspired, Prime Minister.
PM SCOTT MORRESPIN: Finally, I’ve even given them their own prime minister, a prime minister for women, Marise Payneinthe. She will of course need to check with me regarding any major decisions … and medium and small ones … but still, it’s a win for the weaker sex!
ANNE ARDASARKUP: A prime minister for women — pure genius! You have certainly outdone yourself there, Prime Minister Morrespin.
PM SCOTT MORRESPIN: I have, I have. Jen thinks so too. But that’s not all, Annie Poopoo. Because, as part of Combatting Women’s Problems, the new Prime Minister for Women, Marise Payneinthe, is setting up a special task force, as we speak, to stamp out all that hateful talk on social media. We can’t reveal too much, unlike Michael and his Johnsen, but it involves Peter Dutton getting the AFP to stamp on all those hateful Tweeters in real life. How good is hating social media?!
ANNE ARDASARKUP: Oh, it’s so good, Prime Minister!
PM SCOTT MORRESPIN: But wait, there’s more. My Government, the one I lead, the one in which most male MPs are taking self-improvement classes so they can be even better than they are already, is now investing $1 billion into Empathy Class Warehouse, so that we can all be better. It’s a special grant that gives special discounts to all those wanting empathy classes — so long as they are registered to vote in Coalition and marginal electorates.
I mean, I’ve done all a man can do and more! I mean, for Jen and the girls’ sake!
ANNE ARDASARKUP: It’s all just amazing! Prime Minister Morrespin, thank you so much for coming in today to give us the exclusive rundown on all these fabulous new developments. You are indeed the Primest of Prime Man-isters.
PM SCOTT MORRESPIN: Great to get with … to chat with you .. Anna the Salamander.
ANNE ARDASARKUP: And now, another word from our sponsor and recipient of the Morrespin Government’s Special Women’s Grant, here’s the Empathy Class Warehouse.
(Empathy Class Warehouse advertisement plays)
You can also listen on YouTube HERE:
Written by Michelle Pini and David Donovan. Performed by Michelle Pini, David Donovan and Dan Jensen. You can follow managing editor Michelle Pini on Twitter @vmp9, IA founder and director Dave Donovan @davrosz and digital editor Dan Jensen @danjensenmovies.
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