Trump problems? Lambie and Cash to the rescue!

When all seems lost and there's a global crisis that needs a resolution, it's time to unleash Australia's elite special envoy unit, writes John Longhurst.

STORM CLOUDS gathered outside and the gloom permeated the front bar.

Timeless Tom bit his fingernails, rubbed his lined face and squeezed his tired eyes.

Mick landed a couple of schooners on the bar table, placed his hands on his hips and raised an eyebrow:

“By gee, Tom, you don’t look too good. I bought a schooner for Bazza, but he is late and you look as though you need it more than him.”

Tom took a decent sip and gritted his teeth:

“It’s this bloody Trump, Mick. I am anxious at the best of times but now I can’t sleep. The news is just full of Trump, Trump and Trump. When he is not pumping up Putin and Netanyahu, he is illegally throwing out migrants, defying court orders, trying to overtake countries, stripping aid where it is needed and breaking up alliances that at least delivered some security since World War II.”

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Tom paused for a sip.

“Not to mention the economic chaos with all these tariffs, Mick. My bloody superannuation is in freefall. At this point in life, I want a bit of certainty, but I just end up with heart palpitations and a good dose of paranoia after I read or watch the news. In fact, come 7 PM, I have to double check whether I am watching ABC News or Netflix.”

Mick sipped his schooner and clicked his tongue:

“Well, Tom. He was democratically elected by a majority of Americans.”

“Know-All” Ron had joined the bar table with a schooner and cleared his throat:

“Ahh, Mick, that is only true to a certain point. There were about 90 million Americans who were eligible to vote but did not vote at all. That number exceeds the votes for either Donald Trump or Kamala Harris. In fact, only 31.59 per cent of the eligible voting population voted for Trump.”

Timeless Tom shook his head repeatedly:

“Bloody hell, Ron. So less than a third of eligible voting Americans endorsed this bloke and set him on a path to play havoc with everyone living on the planet? You have just increased my stress levels, mate.”

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Mick took a sip and tut tutted:

“Take a deep breath, Tom. Dutton will sort out Trump quick-smart once elected. He will be over there in a flash with a super serious face and the sternest of messages.”

Tom rubbed his chin:

“I can’t back that one in, Mick. You see, part of my new found paranoia is a superstition to any word with the letter ‘u’ in it. Think about it…Trump, Putin, Musk, Netanyahu, Russia and poor bloody Ukraine, so it can’t be Dutton to sort things out. I reckon Trump and Vance need a double-barreled blast from...”

Eyes were saucepans and jaws dropped before Mick leaned in and lowered his voice:

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Tom... violence is not the solution.”

Tom gritted his teeth and sucked in a deep breath and raised his voice:

“When I say a double-barreled blast, I am talking about sending Jacqui Lambie and Michaelia Cash over to the USA as a couple of special Aussie envoys.”

“Oi! Oi! Oi!” reverberated around the front bar.

John Longhurst is a former industrial advocate and political adviser. He currently works as an English and History teacher on the South Coast of NSW.