When it comes to saving face and at least looking like he cares, just how much is it worth to Opposition Leader Peter Dutton? John Longhurst finds out.
MICK PACED up and down the front bar with his mobile phone glued to his ear.
His free hand wiped away beads of sweat from his brow:
“So you are saying we have a problem with multiculturalism showing up in the focus groups? Okay, leave it with me.”
Mick returned to the bar table and took up position with two laptops in front of him, another mobile phone and a calculator.
He took a sip of the offered schooner and let out a deep sigh before dialling the other mobile:
“Listen up. Multiculturalism is coming up as a negative for us in the focus groups. There is a mosque about a kilometre east of where you are. So take the next left and head over. Tell Dutts to promise a million dollars for... umm... ahhhh... ‘strengthening Muslim relationships’.”
Mick bit his bottom lip as he listened.
“Maaate... we will sort the details later. I will write it into the policy. Just do it!”
Mick punched one million dollars into the calculator, raised a finger and guided Bazza’s gaze to the live cross on the television.
The Opposition Leader’s car took a sharp left, followed by the media contingent and skidded to a halt outside the mosque. He bounded from the car, shook hands with the befuddled Imam and announced the one million dollar policy to strengthen Muslim relationships.
The waiting press were left with stunned mullet looks as the Opposition Leader avoided questions, jumped back in the car and sped to the next location on the campaign itinerary.
“Ahhh… well played, Dutts.”
Mick sucked in a breath, took another sip and eyeballed Bazza:
“It’s been a rough start to the election campaign for Dutts, Bazza. A stumble mixing up ‘working from the harbour’ with ‘working from home’. Now, the boys have got me distilling the findings of the focus groups into policies and strategies. There is a fair bit of thinking on the spot, so excuse me if I get a bit distracted.”
Bazza's face whitened.
“But Mick, aren’t these policies subject to analysis, debate and costings over months, if not years?”
Mick’s phone buzzed again and he raised a finger to cut off Bazza:
“Yes… I know… I know ‘nuclear’ is a big negative with the punters. It’s a bit unfortunate that people do not want live next to a nuclear power station. We need to avoid using the term ‘nuclear’, so let’s go with ‘Energy: A New Clear Policy’ and I will knock up the policy now.”
Mick Googled ‘gas’ and ‘electricity generation’, hammered away on his laptop and pressed send.
Mick’s screwed his eyes as he punched $300 billion into the calculator.
They both looked up at the television as ‘Energy: A New Clear Policy’ led the news bulletin.
Bazza leaned back and folded his arms as Mick’s phone buzzed again:
“Yeah... yeah... fair enough... got it. Yep, aged care cost us votes with ScoMo.”
He scrolled through Google Maps and dialled the other phone.
“Listen fellas, another diversion. There is a Bakers Delight four kilometres ahead. Slip in and buy a dozen finger buns — pink and white ones. Head out to the aged care facility in the next suburb for a cuppa and photo op. After that, it’s down to Bondi, get him into one of those yellow and red life saver shirts.”
A long pause.
“Let me think about the budgie smugglers. But slap some zinc on his nose and a nice big thumbs up in front of that banner I had made: ‘I’m all for cliMATE!’”
Mick punched $24 for the finger buns into the calculator and winked:
“You have to be honest with the costings, Bazza.”
John Longhurst is a former industrial advocate and political adviser. He currently works as an English and History teacher on the South Coast of NSW.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Australia License
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