(Image via sbs.com.au)

Exclusive transcripts of two high powered conversations between U.S. and Australian leaders land on the IA desk.

TRANSCRIPT ONE: 2008

George W:  Howdy, partner. How ya going there, Kevin?

Kevin 07:  I’m good George. You know many of my critics say, with specificity, I am convinced I am always the most intelligent person in the room, which shows how arrogant and conceptionally limited I am. Well, when it’s just you and I, even my harshest critics can’t argue against my premise.

George W:  I don’t follow you Kevin. What are you saying?

Kevin 07:  Basically, even my ear wax is more intelligent than you, George. Here’s one for you. Who’s the leader of Pakistan?

George W:  The leader of Paki? Mmmm. The leader of the pack. Got it. That’s another George. George "Shadow" Morton.

Kevin 07:  I believe you have just proved my point in a managerially tangential way.

George W:  It was George Morton.

Kevin 07:  Does that sound like a Muslim name to you?

George W:  Kevin. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can fool me all of the time. Er, something like that.

Kevin 07:  Let me ask you another question. Why the fuck are our troops in Iraq? It’s a shithole full of ratfuckers.

George W:  My daddy thinks we should — and you can get fucked if you think I’ll go against his wishes.

Kevin 07:  I can get fucked?! You get fucked, you dumb fuck cow fucker.

George W:  Coming from a sheepfucker like you, that’s rich. Go fuck yourself.

George W slams down the phone.

The next day the White House released the following statement to the press:

After a most fruitful and cordial phone discussion with Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, President Bush is happy to announce their two great nations shall continue, with renewed vigour, to fight Islamic terrorism in Iraq.

There was also talk of increasing the trade of cattle and sheep livestock between these two great democracies.

TRANSCRIPT TWO: 2017

Donald T:  Malcolm. Great to hear from you. Great underdog victory by me, don’t you think? Much better than your footy Doggies win.

Malcolm T:  Yes. Truly great Donald. I want you to know when I play 500 with Lucy and the kids, I never go "no trumps".

Donald T:  That’s nice. You’re a good person Malcolm. Australia is a nice country full of good people.

Malcolm T:  You haven’t met Tony Abbott.

Donald T:  No, but I’ve heard a lot about him. A good person with good ideas. He doesn’t want to let bad people into the country.

Malcolm T:  Same here.

Donald T:  I don’t want your bad people coming to my country. Obama must have forgotten to take his medications when he signed off on that one.

Malcolm T:  They’re not our bad people. I’m not saying they’re bad people, but we don’t want them. You’ve got to honour the agreement.

Donald T:  I don’t got to do nothing. Pity Lucy’s so old. We could’ve gone on a double date together, the four of us.

Malcolm T:  Maybe Lucy and I can come over when you take our first load of boat people?

Donald T:  Won’t happen. I’m sick of Australia taking advantage of America. No more fighting your battles for you.

Malcolm T:  I need your help with our boat people Donald.

Donald T:  Don’t look at me. I can’t row. You fuckers generally do better in the rowing at the Olympics than we do.

Malcolm T:  For fuck’s sake and my sake Donald, you can’t renege on the deal.

Donald T:  No can do.

Malcolm T:  Maybe we can look at it another time. On another note, how is it, living in the White House?

Donald T:  Bit smaller than I’m used to but not too bad. It’s hard with my wife still in New York. Mind you, you should have seen the shit furniture and fittings the Obamas left. Walmart crap.

Malcolm T:  Yes. I know what you mean. Abbott wanted to turn the Lodge into a seminary. Bunk beds everywhere.

Donald T:  That sounds shit. Better go now. I can feel an executive order coming on. Bye.

Later that night, President Trump tweeted:

Really bad call with Prime Minister Turnbull. Worst of the day. What a dickhead. Might sell Golden Gate Bridge to Obama seeing he’s so gullible. #ReallyBadCall #WorstDealEver 

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also author of Stoney Broke and The Hi-Spenders.

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Australia License

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