Listen in as PM ScoMo is asked to explain in two minutes why he should be elected Australia's Prime Minister on 18 May in this exclusive interview with IA.
IA: Prime Minister, the microphone is all yours. Two minutes to explain why people should vote for you and return your Government.
SCOMO: Two minutes. Really? Two minutes. That’s a hell of a long time. I doubt I can come up with enough reasons to fill in a whole two minutes. How about 30 seconds?
IA: No. Two minutes. Nothing less.
SCOMO: That’s easy for you to say, but give me a break. How long does it take to say “Labor will rob you blind and send the nation broke”? Not long. Then there’s... there’s... well there’s... I know — it’s essential we keep a Sharks supporter in The Lodge. That’s a good one. Bill Shorten barracks for Collingwood and you know what they say about Collingwood supporters.
IA: No, I don’t. What do they say?
SCOMO: More of them should vote Liberal and they should go to the dentist more often. You can’t have someone like that running the country.
IA: Anything else?
SCOMO: I stopped the boats.
IA: I thought Tony Abbott did that.
SCOMO: No. He turned them around, but I stopped them. Yeah, I know. Here’s another good reason — my mother said I’m an excellent son and a wonderful Prime Minister. I know, here’s a really good one — the last time I prayed, Jesus said to me, and I quote, “ScoMo, sorry I can’t vote for you on Saturday. I’m sure you know I died 2,000 years ago and, historically, dead people who have voted in Federal Elections have all voted Labor. In fact, a little while back, it was quite a tradition. But rest assured, if I were alive today, I’d vote for you on Saturday”.
IA: Did Jesus say anything else?
SCOMO: Yes, but I’d rather not mention it.
IA: Why?
SCOMO: Because he couldn’t guarantee his father would vote for me.
IA: Okay. That’s about a minute so far. Another minute to go. Reasons why people should cast their vote for you.
SCOMO: Well, err... err... I’m not Bill Shorten. That’s a good reason.
IA: But you could say you’re not Ozzy Osbourne, Brigitte Bardot or Frank Thring. Not being someone else is not a good reason to vote for you.
SCOMO: I told you two minutes was too long. Okay, here’s a good one. Could win me the election on its own. A vote for me will help young homeowners become young homeowners.
IA: But they are already young homeowners.
SCOMO: Oh, yeah. Good point. What I mean is, vote for me and I will help young people get a mortgage and become a young, new homeowner.
IA: But we’re an ageing population. Wouldn’t policies aimed at the elderly be of more benefit to you and your party?
SCOMO: Good point. I’ve got it — a free set of false teeth for everyone over 70, whether you need them or not. A free self-raising armchair for people over 80. We’ll means test that one. Those chairs are expensive. And a free A-frame for everyone over 90, whether they need one or not.
IA: And for those over 100?
SCOMO: Enough’s enough. For those 100 or older, don’t be greedy. You’ve been around long enough. You’re on your own. I won’t have those selfish centenarians send the country broke.
IA: That’s a bit rough.
SCOMO: Okay, just to make you Lefty journalists happy. My Government, if re-elected, will set up a bungee jumping enterprise at the Gap in Sydney and every centenarian will be given a voucher for three free jumps. How good’s that?
IA: That’s almost your two minutes done. One more reason should get you over the line.
SCOMO: One more? I’ll give you two more. I’m not Malcolm Turnbull and I’ve got a better running style than Bill Shorten. There. Beat that if you can.
[The answer isn’t long off.]
Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of 'The (Real) Meaning of Life' and 'Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.
You can purchase Rocky's books, 'The (Real) Meaning of Life' here and 'Stoney Broke and the High Spenders' from the IA store here. The CD '42/68', by Rocky and the Two Bob Millionaires is also available from the IA store here.
"So many demented things have happened so far during this election campaign that our sense of what is deemed normal is now officially warped beyond recognition."#auspol https://t.co/HgYyDyKcZW via @ABCNews
— Bee (@BelindaJones68) May 10, 2019
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