Why our Liberal Party is so easily satirised

Satirist Rocky Dabscheck opens up to IA as to why he writes satire.

IA: Rocky, welcome to our office.

ROCKY: Pleasure to be here. And may I say, excellent feng shui. No doubt those on the Right in the LNP would see it as evidence of the Chinese Communist Party’s infiltration of IA.

IA: Well, that may be, but my interest today is in finding your reason for penning satirical pieces.

ROCKY: Simple. So many of our politicians are total tossers.

IA: Yes, but we have noticed your satire is aimed exclusively at those on the Right. Why?

ROCKY: Because they are in power and mainstream media, especially those under the Murdoch umbrella, do more than an adequate hatchet job on those politicians to the left.

IA: Okay. How about I mention a few and you tell me what you don’t like about them.

ROCKY: Fire away.

Scotty from Photo Ops enjoys some me time

Independent Australia is granted access to document Scotty Morrison taking time out from his gruelling Photo Ops schedule to relax at home.

IA: Daryl Maguire.

ROCKY: His appalling taste in women irks me above all his other faults.

IA: Bronwyn Bishop.

ROCKY: A shocking person. The way she constantly has her hand out to grab from the public purse to fund her needs and wants is giving socialism a bad name. Bronwyn Bishop has to be seen as one of Australia’s leading socialists.

We, the people, the taxpayers, have funded her for decades. Knowing Bishop is a prominent example of socialism makes it far harder to defend socialism as an ideology.

IA: Yes. Point well made. How about our PM Scott Morrison?

ROCKY: Can’t stomach the man.

IA: Why?

ROCKY: He’s delusional. Barking mad. The number of selfies and photos he has taken of him by other people suggests to me when he looks in the mirror he sees Brad Pitt looking back at him. Thank God (the Pentecostal God) he hasn’t done the “Tony Abbott” and been photographed in red budgie smugglers. I shudder at the thought.

IA: Point made. Peter Dutton.

Scotty from Photo Ops finally runs out of photo ops

Prime Minister Scotty from Photo Ops discusses possible photo options with his trusty, personal photographer.

ROCKY: I used to love eating chips. Always went with added salad and chips rather than vegetables. Now I can’t even look at a chip. Let alone eat one. All I see when I look at a bowl of chips is a bowlful of Peter Duttons looking up at me. Fucking horrible, I can tell you.

IA: What about mashed potato, baked potato, roasted potato, hash browns?

ROCKY: Same. Dutton has fucked it for me when it comes to all things potato.

IA: Okay. Tony Abbott.

ROCKY: “Onion Head” Abbott has done to me for onions what Dutton has done to me with potatoes.

IA: Barnaby Joyce.

ROCKY: “Beetroot Face” Barnaby. He’s turned me off beetroot forever. Makes me bilious the very mention or sight of a beetroot and I used to love them.

IA: That’s really not good. One by one they’re turning you off your veggies. You may soon be living on chicken and more chicken. We haven’t mentioned any of our female pollies as yet. How about Michaelia Cash?

ROCKY: Shocking woman. My favourite cuisine was Indian. She’s ruined that for me and my favourite dish used to be butter chicken. She’s fucked that dish for me forever. I tried to eat it the night following her statement about how much she loves eating Indian. I kept seeing her deranged face and concrete hair with each mouthful I attempted to consume. Thank you, Michaelia.

Tudge Tudge, wink wink, say no more!

Due to recent upheavals, Minister Tudge is spending the day interviewing applicants to fill a vacant position in his office.

IA: Mmmm. Gladys Berejiklian. What irks you about her?

ROCKY: Her appalling taste in men. Settling for Daryl Maguire, when I’m sure she could have had Christian Porter or Alan Tudge. After all, they’re both federal ministers. Maguire was just a humble state backbencher. A woman of her undoubted ambition surely must aim higher.

IA: Well and good. Let’s look at higher up in the pecking order. Josh Frydenberg.

ROCKY: Frydenberg. What a grub. I often enjoyed steamy, intimate moments with my partner, but that’s all shrivelled up since Frydenberg rabbited on about a COVID-19 baby boom. Get under the doona and do it for King and Country. Now, whenever I’m in the mood for some loving, I keep seeing our Treasurer rogering a blow-up doll made to look like Margaret Thatcher, then telling her they’ll name the kid Ronald. Talk about a mood killer.

IA: I’d imagine, then, that you view Frydenberg as the worst of the worst.

ROCKY: He’s up there, but there is one who is worse in my eyes.

IA: Who’s that?

ROCKY: Craig Kelly.

IA: Not surprised. What is it you most dislike about Craig Kelly?

ROCKY: That vile furniture salesman has taken away my joy in talking bullshit. I rate him as being more detestable even than the Treasurer, quite frankly, because I talk bullshit far more frequently than I indulge in a bit of rompy-pompy.