Trump the Triumphant

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Cartoon by Mark David / @MDavidCartoons

Lucky enough to be among the 6,000 at Trump's Tulsa rally triumph, an IA team member recorded highlights.

I WANT my legacy to be that of a President who cured many, many diseases – including the Chinese virus COVID-19 –which have killed millions of our people over the years. Not only that, but I want to drastically bring down our crime rate and make America the healthiest and safest nation on this planet in which to live your life.

I mentioned I have instructed our medicos to seriously curtail, truncate, nobble, minimise – use whichever term you prefer – our COVID-19 Chinese virus testing. Henceforth, to qualify to be tested for this virus, you must answer a 19-page questionnaire, because it is COVID-19. Nineteen. A beautiful number. The last year of your life as a teenager. And I just love teenagers. This questionnaire will be written in Chinese because we must never forget it is a Chinese virus.

How beautiful is that?!

I won’t claim credit for coming up with the 19-page questionnaire written in Chinese idea, even if I had, which I did, because I’m not someone to blow his own trumpet, but there has never been a better president of America than me. Not that I would ever say that. Though I just did.

Your questionnaire application to undergo a COVID-19 Chinese virus test must be witnessed and signed by two mask-wearing people, who remain, at all times, vigilant in their adherence to social distancing. I take no credit for this last bit. Midget medico Fauci came up with that idea. Mind you, if you were stuck with a Fauci face you’d be keen on having to wear a mask. Fucked Face Fauci I’d call him if I was a nasty, bad person, but I’m not. If I wasn’t me and I met me, I’d say Donald J Trump is a beautiful, very good person, and a wonderful man. Tomorrow, I sign an executive order enforcing the new conditions to undergo a virus test. COVID-19 new cases will fall away to zero within a matter of weeks.

This virus is not the only plague killing my fellow Americans at the rate of knots. Prostate, breast and bowel cancer have been wreaking havoc for decades. As of tomorrow, due to another executive order – and if I may quote my very, very, good Australian friend and colleague, their Prime Minister Morrison – “How good is” my signature, Donald J Trump, on all of these executive orders I sign?!

Very good! Better than any other president’s signature, but I’m too humble to ever point that out. Well, as from tomorrow, all testing for prostate, breast and bowel cancer will cease. Within months America’s death rate from these insidious diseases will plummet to zero, numero nuno, zip, nought, nothing.

I will be gobsmacked, staggered and, quite frankly, fucking surprised if I don’t win the Nobel Prize for service to medical advancement. Once I receive my Nobel Prize...and how good will it look in the Oval Office, next to my cup for winning the Property Developer’s Stableford Golf Award of 1986? I shall then sign an executive order banning all ECG, angiogram and stress testing, plus the use of defibrillators, and no more measuring of blood pressure or cholesterol levels.

No more deaths from heart attacks or strokes and only a few exotic and rare cancer deaths. A magnificent legacy from a magnificent President — but I would never be so self-centred to mention it.

I also intend to make American streets the safest to walk down anywhere in the world. America will be the safest country in the world because of me.

I shall instruct all Federal and state police departments to no longer collate any numbers registering specific crime rates. Homicides, assaults, burglaries, extortion, kidnappings, forgery and so on. Within weeks the homicide rate throughout the entirety of our United States will diminish to none, everywhere. No other American president can claim an achievement anywhere near such a stupendous outcome.

I can’t promise there won't be bloodied bodies found lying in the streets, cars or domiciles, but they’ll be registered as death by natural causes, or old age, or more likely, as fake news created by those bad journalists at CNN, hell-bent on destroying my re-election chances.

I do not want any people to delude themselves that, despite our soon to be plummeting crime rate. I am soft on law and order. I am currently negotiating with our Federal lawmakers and legislators to introduce the death penalty for CNN journalist purveyors of fake news. To me, they are really bad people. Terrorists, in fact. War criminals. A lifelong diet of bread and water is too good for them. Put them up against the Mexican wall and shoot them.

Thank you for being here today. If I wasn’t me I would want to be here to see President Trump – our greatest President ever – and I do understand you all love me. Now, I am off to meet my very good friend Jair Bolsonaro, President of Brazil. We’re going to watch Novak Djokovic play tennis, then lunch. Jair and I are both huge McDonald's fans. In fact, I’ve been lobbying to have the Golden Arches placed atop the White House, but those fun police in the Democrats won’t allow it. I even offered to have the Golden Arches painted white, in keeping with the rest of the façade, but they wouldn’t budge.

Just wait till I’m re-elected!

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of '42+1: The (Real) Meaning of Life' and Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.

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