As a means to elevate his public profile, Tony Abbott agrees to be interviewed by IA roving reporter and lycra aficionado Rocky Dabscheck.
Independent Australia: Mr. Abbott.
Tony Abbott: Please, call me Tony the ex-Prime Minister, or Tony the ex-PM.
IA: How about Tony? Just Tony.
Abbott: You know I was prime minister once and now I am an ex-prime minister. I don’t think it is a big ask to make reference to that.
IA: OK, Tony the ex-PM, what is the worst thing about being Tony the ex-PM rather than Tony the PM?
Abbott: I have less time to ride my bicycle now I am Tony the ex-PM.
IA: Why is that?
Abbott: When I was PM, I had a large staff doing everything for me. I did bugger all. I had all the time I needed to ride my bike whenever and wherever I felt like it. Now, even Peta has a TV show to do and a column to write, so I have to organise most things myself. It sucks, I tell you!
IA: Yes, I imagine it must be terrible for you. Do you miss the Lodge?
Abbott: Well, uh, I never stayed at the Lodge. I had lodgings at The Australian Federal Police College when I was PM. Nothing like the company of fit young men to help power you through the day. Now, I’m stuck at home with Margie and the kids. Oh, the conversation. She comes home and rabbits on about how some two-year-old puked over another two-year-old at the day care centre. Not really a national security issue, is it?
IA: You have said the public are thoroughly jack of politicians saying stupid things.
Abbott: Yes, I did say that.
IA: Do you include yourself in that? Your comment about the "suppository of all wisdom", for instance.
Abbott: Err... uh... let me explain. You know, I hold the royal family in high regard. Well, I’d been thinking about the taped conversation between Prince Charles and Camilla. His famous reference to where he wanted to be a suppository in her panties. That thought popped into my mind, for some unknown reason, just as I made that statement and the rest is history.
IA: What about politicians saying one thing then doing the opposite? No cuts to the ABC, SBS, health, education, pensions. Then, after the election. Cut, cut, cut!
Abbott: I personally haven’t made any cuts to SBS or the ABC. I still listen to – and watch – their programs as much as I ever have. Remember, I did axe the tax, stop the boats. People still go to schools, colleges, hospitals and are on pensions. I don’t see your problem.
IA: OK then, what about politicians not answering questions? Your 28 seconds of silence when the journalist Mark Riley asked you a question.
Abbott: Oh, that! I had been taking music lessons for some time, and I had just listened to John Cage’s piece '4.33' of silence. I was seeing if I could perform it, but I only lasted 28 seconds. I have continued my music lessons. In fact, I rehearse that piece at every party meeting when Malcolm waffles on about nothing.
IA: Voters are fed up with politicians making stupid decisions. Your bestowing an honour on Prince Phillip comes to mind.
Abbott: Oh that. There is always a back story, and when you get to the bottom of things, you often end up with a different attitude.
Abbott: Well, I know Prince Phillip personally, Lovely man. Common myth is he was pissed off with always having to walk ten paces behind his wife, our Queen Elizabeth. Truth is, he loved it. He confided in me that he thought his wife had the sexiest arse in all of England and he was happy to look at it, all day, every day.
I thought, what a humble man. What a great family man. What a role model. 70 years married and still hot for his wife. Tell me. Who is more deserving of an honour?
I couldn’t really go public and say the reason I knighted someone was because he’d checked his wife’s bum out for the last 70 years, especially when it is the royal arse we are talking about.
IA: Yes, I can see your point. You didn’t think it was such a bad thing when Labor dumped Prime Minister Rudd mid-term, but it was a national disaster and disgrace, when you were dumped as PM. Why? They are basically the same.
Abbott: But I was a great prime minister and Rudd was a dictatorial disaster. I stopped the boats and Rudd can’t even ride a bike.
IA: Okidoki! That’s about it for now. One last thing, Tony the ex-Prime Minister. I believe you were quite a successful thespian in your uni undergrad days.
Abbott: Ha ha! You’ve done your research. I was in a very popular production of ‘Mutiny On The Bounty’. I was a smash hit as Fletcher Christian.
IA: I believe you wanted to play the role of Captain Bligh.
Abbott: Yes. I finally got the opportunity after I’d knocked out – accidentally, of course – in a friendly lunchtime game of Rugby, the actor who was playing Bligh.
IA: How many times did you play Bligh?
Abbott: Not many, unfortunately. The reviews said I was fabulous as Fletcher Christian, but a disaster as Captain Bligh. I couldn’t see it myself. I thought I was a fabulous Bligh.
Seems I’d only concussed the other guy. I thought I’d broken his jaw and he’d be out till the production ended. He was back within a few days.
IA: Such a pity. Maybe you could write a film about B.A. Santamaria and play the lead role.
Abbott: That’s a great idea. I’ve just got to see how I can work a few bicycle scenes into it.
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