Things Michaelia knows and we don't — yes there are some!

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(Cartoon by Mark David / @mdavidcartoons)

Employment Minister Michaelia Cash agrees to share some of her busy schedule with Independent Australia.

INDEPENDENT AUSTRALIA: Thank you Minister for allowing me to share some of your time with you.

MICHAELIA CASH: No worries. My pleasure. I can’t promise what it will be like. I never know what’s around the corner. Life is so hectic. I know life has only two certainties: death, and taxes will always be higher under a Labor government.

IA: Where are you going this morning?

CASH: I don’t know. I'll find out when the driver arrives. He’ll tell me.

IA: Don’t you have specific things prepared for particular audiences?

CASH: Not really. My routine stays pretty much the same. Bag the shit out of Labor; look and sound outraged; repeat myself; don’t check the facts, and don’t waste any time on details. I did that once and it fucked up big time on me.


CASH: Yes. I tend to focus on other things.

IALike what?

CASH: Hair, make up, facial expressions and what I’ll wear.

IAWhy is that?

CASH: Because I’m not an idiot. I’m ambitious, like every other politician, but I’m not fucked in the head ambitious.

IAHow do you mean?

CASH: Fuck, you seem to know nothing. It’s kind of sweet. What I mean is, if I was really ambitious and wanted to be prime minister one day, I wouldn’t be in the Liberal Party. No fucking way we’d ever elect a female leader. I’d have to throw my lot in with the cretins on the other side of the Chamber. Fucking horrible. Could you imagine putting up with Dastyari’s and Shorten’s lame jokes all day?

IAYes, but that still doesn’t answer my question to do with your concern about hair and make up, etc?

CASH: Oh that. Sorry. Answering questions has never been my strong point. Have a look at my Party — the Libs. A right bunch of stiffs if ever there was one. At best, they’ll tolerate a handful of us sheilas in Cabinet, but we’re big on having a female deputy leader. Looks good with the electorate.

IAAs in Julie Bishop?

CASH: Precisely. She’s got the easiest job in politics: foreign affairs minister and deputy Leader. Give me a bit of that. I am the employment minister, after all, so I should be able to choose my own job. Hardest part of Bishop’s gig is having to remember a few long names and decide what outfit to wear.

IAPlease continue.

CASH: Isn’t it obvious. Where am I from? W.A. Where is Julie Bishop from? W.A. I’m modelling myself on her, so that when the deputy spot becomes vacant, I’m the obvious choice.

Check out my hair. Check out hers. Check my wardrobe. Check hers. We’re both fashion plates. Compare our make up. Same, same.

I have to be outraged all the time because of her fucking stare. If I developed my own stare the press would go me big time. Hence I always have to appear incensed.

IAYes. I see your point.

CASH: And it gets worse. Look at my fucking portfolio. Employment and shit like that. Minister for Women in this Government basically means ensuring funding for schoolgirls to learn how to cook a good muffin.

And as for being the minister for employment. Hard hats; silly hats and fucking vests. Standing next to Malcolm, and we both have to wear silly hats, vests and goggles. We look like big brother and little sister stuck with parents with shitty ideas about what kids look good in. It’s fucking fucked.

Julie doesn’t have to put up with any of that bullshit. She gets photographed wearing some flashy designer outfit, standing next to the Justin Trudeaus of this world. I get lumbered next to Malcolm, or Christopher, or Josh. Never mind I’m wearing a flashy red number. On goes the orange vest, hard hat and goggles.

IAI see your point. Do you mind if I ask you about the recent AFP raid of the AWU offices and the leaking to the media?

CASH: Between you and me, I thought it was my finest moment, but you can’t tell anyone I said that.

IAPlease explain?

CASH: Fuck, you sounded just like Pauline Hanson for a moment. You’re not modelling yourself on her, I hope.

IANo way. Mind you, she has a bit in common with you and Julie Bishop. Shortish hair, make up, lots of clothes. And those vacant stares.

CASH: Enough please. I’ll explain my finest moment. Of course, I knew what was going on re: the leak. I set the whole fucking thing up. I’m fed up with my shitty portfolio. I want out. I was hoping Malcolm would give me the arse. But no. The fucker’s standing by me.

IABut don’t you mind looking incompetent and a bit ridiculous?

CASH: Of course not. It’s the best way to fast track promotion in our party. Think about it. Little "Bottom of the Harbour Lazarus with a triple bypass" Johnny Howard. Tony fucked up every portfolio he was in. Julie lasted three months as our shadow treasurer, then recently declared war on New Zealand, vowing there would be no surrender until every New Zealand Labour voter was either in the ground or in jail and she is still our number two. And Malcolm "Gordon Grech" Turnbull is the fucking PM.

Best thing I can do career wise is be seen to fuck up. It’s the Liberal Party way.

IAI see your point. Now I understand. Can I ask a few fluff piece questions.

CASH: Go ahead.

IAFavourite colour?

CASH: I am partial to most colours, except for greens of all shades, for obvious reasons.

IAFavourite meal?

CASH: One that someone else has paid for.

IAFavourite TV show?

CASH: Easy. Always tape it if I’m not home in time to catch it: Hogan’s Heroes.

IAHogan’s Heroes. A true classic, without a doubt.

CASH: There is one strange thing about Hogan’s Heroes.

IAWhat’s that?

CASH: Our Arthur “I know nothing” Sinodinos looks more like Colonel Klink than he does Schultz.

Cash’s driver arrives and she begins her unpredictable, yet always interesting, day with our journalist in tow. We look forward to future instalments of the wacky ways of Minister Michaela.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders.

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