The real fake news: Trump's cognitive tests revealed

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(Image: Gage Skidmore / flickr)

Contributing editor-at-large Tess Lawrence has managed to get a copy of Donald Trump's cognitive exam questions. Take the Trump test!

PEOPLE, it is now irrefutable that Donald J Trump is a giant among men.

Not only is the President of the United States a man of great physical stature, but such is his formidable intellect that he will go down on history as unmatched not only by those who went before him but by any presidents who come over him.

On the first anniversary of his Presidency, unrivalled in the joyous attendance of more than 70 million grateful people at his inauguration, he has restored dignity and a gravitas to the White House and the Oval Office that has sadly been lacking for several hundred years.


No American president has been more loved or lauded — or made Americans more proud and respected throughout the world. The bearer of an American passport has a passport to the world.

President Trump is internationally exalted as a textbook leader. 

He is a beacon of peace. He makes friends of enemies and friends of enemy enemies and enemas. There is no end to his reaching out. Where once there was war, there is now peace. Where once there was friction, there is now detente. 


He has taught us that the USA is a nation built by immigrants from all five corners of the globe and which, like Australia, has been kind and benevolent to its Indigenous peoples, teaching them how to use toilets and say their prayers. 

By word and example, he has championed human and equal rights for all, even for black and brown people. 

No prejudice has ever been shown by him to those who are descended from African slaves and other such undomesticated humans.

His early morning tweets are awaited with baited breath throughout the world. Every dawn brings enlightenment from this man.


They are lessons by which to live daily life. Like a wise buddha or llama or an ancient holy man, his tweets are seen as religious tracts and verses to be collected, cherished and shared. 

He is generous to a fault and is renowned, like England's great former Prime Minister William Ewart Gladstone, for rescuing "fallen women", generously paying out sums of money to help them through the stormy seas of life. 

Even this early in his presidency, Trump and his administration are regarded as the world's best practice of good government and efficient governance. The standard of professionalism cannot be faulted and they have become role models for the likes of the Philippines, Turkey and Australia. 

Much has been made of the physical and cognitive tests applied to President Trump. 

Physically, he is a master of the universe now at his peak.


His cognitive powers are such that they are coveted and envied by international peers like France's President Emmanuel Macron and, of course, longtime admirer and mentor, Russia's President Vladimir Putin.

Never has this been more obvious than in the gruelling eight-hour cognitive test undertaken by President Trump mere days ago. 

Like any exam taker, he was banned from taking in books that might assist him in answering any questions. However, as President, he was permitted to take in his smartphone because of his current dispute with North Korea's supreme leader, Little Rocket Man, Kim Wrong-un, over who has the biggest nuclear bomb button. 

Trump is undeniably the Bigger Rocket Man with the biggest button


He was also allowed to take in videos of his famous reality TV show, The Apprentice, as well as a copy of his book, The Art of the Deal and a 1990 copy of Playboy for relaxation in the four-hour break between morning and afternoon sessions of the test.

President Trump was also allowed the famous American endless cup of coffee and Coke as well as his presidential hotline to the nearest McDonald's to the White House — at 750 17th St NW.

Fake news media outlets have published fake questions of the test, portraying them as so easy that a child could effortlessly answer them.

But the real questions put to Trump were complex, containing trick questions designed to subtly analyse the President's problem-solving capacity. 

But just to disprove the notion that a four-year-old could answer the questions, we approached one of our local kindies and invited a cross-section of our multicultural little ones to sit the test below. 

All failed. Even though the test was in Swahili and Sudanese. Say no more. 


We challenge our readers to attempt to answer them and would appreciate any feedback on how you went. 

We will rely on your innate honesty. No cheating please, so no Mr Google. No Ms Google either. Barry Jones is not permitted to take up the challenge. Nor is Dr Karl. Or Kevin Andrews. Or Malcolm Roberts, the ex-Senator and dual nationality denier. Or Brian Cox

Try the test — see if you're fit to be POTUS.

Donald J Trump cognitive test questions:

PLEASE NOTE: You have eight (8) hours in which to answer these questions

  1. In what American city is the White House?
  2. What is the name of the First Lady of the United States of America?
  3. What is Steve Bannon's first name?
  4. Who was the Democratic Party's candidate for the 2015 Presidential Election?
  5. What is the name of the Prime Minister of Australia? 
  6. Name the three merry wives of the President of the United States.
  7. What is Steve Bannon's surname?
  8. What is the name of the Trump resort known as "The Summer White House?"
  9. Which President of the United States, pre-erection, boasted of grabbing women by the pussy?
  10. Do black lives matter?
  11. Who does the current President of the United States call "Little Rocket Man"?
  12. How many eyes does a banana have?
  13. During what time of the year is it traditional for the President of the United States to pardon a White House turkey?
  14. Where is New York's Trump Tower situated?
  15. Does a banana suckle its young?
  16. What is the name of the Vice President of the United States?
  17. What is the main flower grown in the White House Rose Garden?
  18. What is Vladimir Putin's first name?
  19. What is the name of the Twin Towers, into which terrorist-manned planes crashed in 2001?
  20. What is the name of a famous reality TV show that starred current President Donald J Trump?
  21. Which American President described himself as a “stable genius?“ 
  22. What do the initials POTUS stand for?
  23. What do the initials FLOTUS stand for?
  24. What do the initials "USA" stand for?
  25. What is the Scottish name of the iconic fast food chain so beloved by the current President of the United States?
  26. What are the names of the children of the current President of the United States?
  27. What is the stage name of the "adult" movie star and director who allegedly had an affair with the current President of the United States, and who received $130,000 as hush money?
  28. What was the name of the Black President of the United States before President Trump? 
  29. What is the name of the author of 'Fire and Fury – Inside the Trump White House'?
  30. What is the name of the daughter of the current President of the United States that he would .... if she wasn't his daughter?

Disclosure: Tess Lawrence failed the test — 0 out of 30. Hasn't a hope in hell of becoming president. (Certainly wouldn't pass the physical, either.) 

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