The Liberal Love labyrinth

With his party's popularity in the doldrums, PM Morrison addresses the Liberal faithful and presents his latest policy initiative.

MORRISON: I know things have not been good of late, but after I explain my idea I guarantee there’ll be no talk of a leadership spill, there'll be a collective, “How good is our PM?!”

PETER DUTTON: Enough with the preamble. Get on with it. What is it?

MORRISON: We turn a weakness into a strength. Let’s face it. I’m not cool. I’m a daggy dad. I do daggy dad things, not Joe Cool things. I don’t guest on stage with the Hilltop Hoods. I get myself photographed enraptured at the Hillsong Church. I’m photographed building chicken coops, drinking piss at the footy, wearing hard hats, all of that palaver. My dagginess is used as my strength.

What’s our weakness at the moment? We can’t keep it in our pants. Plus, our tardy responses to our tawdry behaviour.

KAREN ANDREWS: Hear, hear.

ERIC ABETZ: Give over. You women need to shut up occasionally.

MORRISON: Now, now. Enough of that. It’s time to turn our weakness into a strength. Sex sells — and who’s a better salesman than me? I propose we open a bordello, "Liberal Love" for Liberal-minded lovers. And we run it in Parliament House. How good is that?!

(The vast majority of men present cheer, whistle and applaud. A smattering of women give a light round of applause.)

MORRISON: To kick it off. Linda, get your sorry arse up here and tell us about your room.

(Cheers as Minister Linda Reynolds joins Morrison.)

LINDA REYNOLDS: My room will offer services for those who enjoy a more buxom lady — the "Linda R. Room" will not disappoint.

(Wild cheers. Reynold gives the two-thumbs-up as she leaves the stage.)

MORRISON: Thank you, Linda. When I spoke with Jen about my bordello idea, she helped clarify some things for me. She said, “Scott, you also need to cater for couples like you and me.”

My Jen is wonderful like that, so I thought we must have a room where couples – as in, a man and a woman, sorry Tim – can use it as a honeymoon suite. And what better name for a little love nest like that than the "Gladys and Daryl Room"?

(The gathering explodes into wild cheering.)

MORRISON: Teena. Get up here. I believe you have an announcement.

Teena McQueen makes her way to the stage.

MORRISON: It’s all yours, Teena.

TEENA MCQUEEN: I’ll get straight to the point. For those in search of pleasure with a more mature lady "The Teena M. Room" will meet your every desire for granny love.

(More wild cheering.)

MORRISON: Thank you, Teena. Guaranteed, the Liberal Love bordello initiative will enjoy an international reputation within months. And, for those of you who are a little shy, never fear, Liberal Love caters for your every need. We are setting up a state of the art IT room with the latest equipment. The "Michael Johnsen Room" allows you to indulge in all your sexting needs, in complete comfort.

The room applauds, but there is no cheering.

MORRISON: It’s time for one of our staffers to have a say. Come on up.

(An unnamed male staffer in his 20s joins the PM on stage.)

STAFFER: Thank you, Prime Minister, for this opportunity to make an announcement. We believe in becoming more independent and self-contained. Many of us believe in addressing our own needs and, let’s be honest, who hasn’t? For that very reason, we are establishing the "DIY Staffer’s Room" to meet your self-pleasuring needs.

For those of you turned on by desks and other random furniture we provide IKEA catalogues. Back copies of Penthouse, Playboy and DNA magazines will also be available, and our staff will only be too willing to source whatever aids you may need.

(The room goes ballistic with applause.)

MORRISON: We senior and older Liberals really are in good hands. Andrew? Andrew, get on up here.

(Andrew Laming makes his way to the stage.)

ANDREW LAMING: For those who enjoy a bit of voyeurism (and who doesn’t?), the "Laming Room" will have lots of large plants you can hide behind as you photograph away, to your heart’s content, the goings-on in front of you. We expect this room to be a huge success.

(More applause from the room.)

MORRISON: My turn again. I am a child of God. Many of us are believers. The "Abbott-Andrews Room" will provide dress-ups of your choosing to satisfy your religious sensual fantasies.

(Wolf whistles and cheers explode from the gathering.)

MORRISON: To show we truly are a broad church, we have listened to an ex-minister from our progressive wing and shall be opening the "Banana Room" to meet the more ... fruity desires many have.

The announcement is greeted with muted applause.

MORRISON: That’s about it for now. But, I have saved the best for last.

Every great bordello needs a great madam, and who greater than our very own Bronwyn Bishop? What a gal!