Rocky Dabscheck recently interviewed Margaret Abbott and, inadvertently, left his recording device at the Abbotts home. When he retrieved it two days later, he discovered this conversation.
MARGIE: Tony, do you mind emptying the washing machine and hanging the washing on the line.
TONY: Actually, I do. Not doing it.
MARGIE: What! You’re not doing it! May I ask why?
TONY: I’ve decided I need to concentrate on my ex-prime minister duties. Putting our washing on the line does not fall into those duties.
MARGIE: Oh. It doesn’t, does it? Well, tell me; How does my having your dinner ready on the table at six, every night you are home fit into ex-prime minister duties?
TONY: Don’t be so short sighted woman. People need consistency from their political leaders. Knowing I always have my dinner at six when I am home is an important civic duty I perform, which benefits many of our fellow Australians.
MARGIE: How about unblocking the drainage in the back yard?
TONY: Can’t do! ex-prime ministers can’t look too pre occupied with their own back yard.
MARGIE: Well, how does you going on a five day bike ride fit in? To me, it looks a bit self-indulgent.
TONY: Open your eyes, woman! Obviously, it fits into ex-prime minister duties. Think of the mature conversation I have with the populace as I stop at towns along the way.
MARGIE: I hope we don’t pay for your accommodation, sustenance, lycras and bicycle on these trips. We, meaning our joint bank account.
TONY: Ah, don’t be silly. As if we would. Fits into ex-prime minister duties, so I bill the taxpayers.
MARGIE: And may I ask when your next extended bike ride will be?
TONY: Thursday week, and I’ll be away for ten days.
MARGIE: Oh, will you? And where are you off to this time?
TONY: I’ll be riding to a few outback Indigenous communities, to tell them to get off their arses, do something useful and stop expecting the taxpayer to bankroll them all the time.
MARGIE: I’m sure that will be well received. By the way. Can you drive me to mums. My car is playing up. I need to get it to the mechanics.
TONY: No. Too busy. I’m meeting with Peta in an hour, to work on my new philosophical treatise.
"Abbott's ego means he seems utterly undeterred by hostility.Virtually the entire Australian electorate loathes him"https://t.co/Hnk7yGfpnV— Coalition Tea Lady (@ItsBouquet) September 1, 2017
MARGIE: Thank you very much. I guess I should know my place by now.
TONY: Don’t go on about it woman. As an ex-prime minister I have to get my ideas down on paper for future generations to read.
Don’t worry. I’ll book a cab for you and I’ll put it down as a parliamentary expense. You won’t have to pay.
MARGIE: Aren’t I the lucky one. Having a husband as generous as you. Oh, silly me. I forgot you crafted the 2014 Budget, riddled with benevolence to all and sundry.
TONY: Our nation wouldn’t be in the mess it is in if not for the fucking Senate.
MARGIE: While I’m out can you pick up some wine and cheese for me? My book group is meeting here tomorrow.
TONY: What’s wrong with you, woman?! After the recent kerfuffle over me having been too pissed to make it to a vote in the House all those years ago, I can’t be seen buying some grog at the local bottle shop.
Uh, that reminds me. I’m away on Friday on a four day tour of the Margaret River Wineries.
MARGIE: You can’t be seen buying a bottle of Stone’s Green Ginger Wine and some Porphyry Pearl for my book group, but being seen prancing around trendy wineries is okay?
TONY: Of course it is. As an ex-prime minister I have to be seen to to be promoting local produce and industries. Don’t worry dear, because it will be part of my ex-prime minister duties I will bill 100% of the costs to the taxpayer.
MARGIE: You and your ex-prime minister duties. I’ve never heard such bollocks.
TONY: Margaret. Don’t you believe that adherence to one’s duties, to the Lord, nation, community and family, is the pathway to a worthy and happy life?
MARGIE: I would think there is ample evidence in my life to suggest I do.
TONY: Well, what is tonight?
MARGIE: The 17th.
TONY: Yes. But what else is it?
MARGIE: I don’t know. 793 days since that loser Turnbull took over as Prime Minister? Tell me Tony.
TONY: It’s the third Wednesday of the month.
MARGIE: Oh. Ah. I’d forgotten.
TONY: Duties Margie. That’s right. The third Wednesday of the month. Conjugal duties, dear.
We now feel it is now an appropriate time to allow the Abbotts some privacy.
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