Show and tell with Malcolm and the gang

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Barnaby Joyce and colleagues, looking as dignified as ever (Image screenshot video)

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull gathered his parliamentary colleagues a day prior to Parliament resuming. IA's Rocky Dabscheck was granted access to the party room.

MALCOLM TURNBULL: How wonderfully exciting. Here we are, all back together again. I remember first day back each year at Primary School, I’d nearly wet my pants with excitement knowing we would have "show and tell" to start the year off with a bang.

TONY ABBOTT: [Sotto voce to Kevin Andrews sitting next to him.] He still does, every time I get near a microphone.

TURNBULL: My penchant for taking selfies is no secret, so I thought today should be spent doing what I love doing. And I want to share the love with all of you. Guess what I have planned today?

JULIE BISHOP: A polo tournament on the parliamentary lawns?

TURNBULL: Exciting and innovative Julie, but not quite. Up the back there. Tony. Any idea what I’ve planned?

ABBOTT: A leadership spill? You seem to love those.

TURNBULL: No, Not quite. I may as well tell you. Today, I’m going to take a selfie with everyone of you. And tomorrow, each one of you is to bring something for "show and tell

[The rest of the day is taken up with Prime Minister Turnbull’s selfie obsession. The first half of day two is set aside so the PM can show some of the selfies he took during the Parliamentary recess.]

TURNBULL: Here’s a photo of me with our cricket captain, Stephen Smith. Here I am with Usain Bolt. Me with Hugh Jackman. Here’s me by myself, counting some of my money. Whoops! I told Lucy to delete that one. Err... that’s me with Nicole and Keith. Here I am again…

[This goes on for several hours, until...]

TURNBULL: Well, that about does me. Scott. What have you brought to show us?

SCOTT MORRISON: Malcolm. I’m so proud of this. I’ve been working on it for quite some time. It’s just been printed and will be in the shops this winter: Milton Friedman’s Economic Theory, Translated into Tongues by Scott Morrison, MP. It comes with its own CD as well!

TURNBULL: How exciting. How innovative. I can’t wait to read it, or listen to it. How about you Kevin? What have you brought?

KEVIN ANDREWS: Please allow me to disrobe, but don’t worry, it has a very family friendly conclusion.

TURNBULL: I trust it will, Kevin.

[Andrews quickly takes his coat, shirt, tie and pants off, and parades in front of his startled colleagues.]

ANDREWS: See. How good is this! I had it made bespoke for me. My new lycras, with Jesus and his 12 Disciples cycling up the Mount of Olives. My own idea, and I’ve even come up with a name for them. Team Apostles. If only the Tour de France was around in Jesus’ time.

Well. What do you think? Be brutal if you have to, Julie. You usually are. How do I look?

BISHOP: Err... Wonderful, Kevin. But maybe it could do with a splash more colour.

TURNBULL: Julie. Why don’t you come up now with your "show and tell"?

[Bishop takes centre stage, opens up the small suitcase she has with her and unpacks some expensive looking designer clothes.]

BISHOP: [Holding up a smart casual outfit.] This is what I wore at this year’s Polo at Portsea. Gorgeous isn’t it. I was told I cut quite a figure.

But what I also have with me is this.... The outfit I would have worn if I had gone to the Portsea Polo Day last year. Which, of course, I didn’t and never intended to. But I thought, what would I have wanted to wear at Portsea if I had been there? And this is the outfit I bought in case I decided I no longer never intended to go. Lovely, isn’t it? Don’t be surprised if you see Meghan in something similar next time her Harry plays polo.

TURNBULL: Yes, I’m sure she – and you – would look wonderful in it.

Barnaby! What’s that you have with you? A big box!

JOYCE: I don’t know how I ended up with them. All I know is, I woke up one morning with a stinker of a headache. Big night. Know what I mean? I struggle out of bed and stumble over the box, and out spill all these ridiculous, orange hats. I thought to myself, what the fuck? 

Then I remembered, I bought ten of them down the local pub, when I was well lubricated, for what I was told was a steal, at $10 a hat. So I thought, what the fuck! Give me $100 worth.

[Joyce puts one on his head and the room breaks up in hysterics.]

TURNBULL: That’s the way. I told you we’d all have fun! Tony. What have you brought with you?

ABBOTT: I’ve got my scrapbook with me.

TURNBULL: Sounds fascinating. Up you come, Tony — and what a truly great Prime Minister you were. Such a privilege to have once been a minister in your wonderful Government.

ABBOTT: Well. I’ve been collecting them for quite a while and I thought you’d all be interested. The last two years and a bit of Newspoll. One per page. You’ll notice quite a strong theme emerging.

TURNBULL: Err... Very good, Tony, but we don’t have time to look at them now.

Well, I believe that wraps up a wonderful few days. Now go get 'em — and remember. Whenever you put out a press release, or speak publically, remember our party’s philosophy: blame Labor for everything.

[There is a knock at the door and David Feeney enters the room.]

TURNBULL: David! I think you are meant to be next door.

FEENEY: Sorry to interrupt. When I heard you were doing "show and tell" today, I thought that just maybe, one of you may have found the British Government’s notice acknowledging my renunciation of my British citizenship.

Anyone? No? Oh, thanks anyway.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders.

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