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Scotty from Photo Ops: As a father

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Scotty from Photo Ops in a photo, as a father (Image via Scott Morrison | Facebook)

We go inside the Canberra bubble with Prime Minister Scotty from Photo Ops Morrison, as a father, at home with his daughters.

SCOTTY: Girls. As a father, it is important I help guide you through the many potential pitfalls ahead of you, as girls. Of course, I’m not a girl. Or even a female. But being the father of girls, that being you two, my world view is largely shaped by the fact I am the father of daughters. 

LILY: Get on with it, Dad. The grand final of Holey Moley is about to start.

SCOTTY: Okay. First point. Don’t just announce something, then not do it. That is shameful and it upsets people. Abbey?

ABBEY: Yes Dad.

SCOTTY: Remember last Thursday, you promised your mother you would clean your room and make your bed and you didn’t?

ABBEY: Yes Dad.

SCOTTY: Your mother was very disappointed and annoyed when you didn’t. It hurt her. It’s easy to say things, to announce you’re going to do something, anyone can do it. But, if you don’t follow through and do it, it is more annoying than if you hadn’t said you’d do it in the first place. Understand? 

ABBEY: Yes Dad.

SCOTTY: Lily?

LILY: Yes Dad.

SCOTTY: Your mother has a way of clarifying things. In a few short years from now, you’ll be attending some Young Liberals and Young National Party barbecues. Always great fun. But you must make sure to dress modestly and conservatively when you attend those barbecues. Very little flesh on display.

LILY: Why Dad?

SCOTTY: Boys will be boys. Give them half a chance, drop your guard for a minute, get a bit tipsy, and things can get a bit frisky.

ABBEY: What do you mean, Dad?

SCOTTY: I say this as a father. Dress as though you’re going to visit your grandparents. No tank tops, skimpy skirts, see-through tops; that sort of thing. You don’t want to give the boys too much encouragement.

LILY: Get a bit tipsy. Do you mean don’t drink alcohol?

SCOTTY: No. I’m not suggesting you take the Rechabite vow, but limit your alcohol intake to one weak shandy per hour — tops. If you decide on a career in politics, there are great photo opportunities for drinking with constituents. Gets you extra votes every time. I wouldn’t want you to miss out on that.

ABBEY: Okay. Anything else? The show’s starting any minute.

SCOTTY: Yes. Clmptehodlegengdagingjoskkhkmterfpuddfrtsb.

LILY: What?

SCOTTY: Brryipzpxpzxpprdkabsxzuplirggdwqakulmbp.

ABBEY: Dad!

SCOTTY: Err ... sorry, Kids. You know me. When I get too stimulated with the joy of life – and nothing gives me more joy than being a father – I tend to speak in tongues.

LILY: Anything else? Holey Moley is about to start.

SCOTTY: Yes girls. It is very important if you do something, own up to it. Don’t lie. Don’t pretend you didn’t do it.

If you break a window, from playing a ball game, own up to it. I often broke windows when I was a kid playing cricket in the back yard, but I always told your grandpa it was me.

Don’t make out it couldn’t have been you because you weren’t even home at the time, you were suburbs away. Admit you were there; don’t lie about where you were and admit you did it.

ABBEY: Yes Dad. Can we go now?

SCOTTY: Soon. Last point. If it is your responsibility to do something, some obligation, then please do it. Don’t handball it to someone else to do. The bins are your responsibility, Lily. Don’t put it on to Abbey to put them out.

As a father, I will be disgusted if either of you ducks your responsibilities. That’s it. You can go now.

ABBEY: One thing, Dad.

SCOTTY: Yes, what’s that?

ABBEY: I’ve noticed your tummy is getting bigger and bigger. Why’s that?

SCOTTY: You know how Dad loves having his photo taken?

ABBEY: Yes.

SCOTTY: As a father, I’m thinking of being Father Christmas at Hillsong’s Christmas party this year. Imagine how many photos will be taken of me then?!

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of '42+1: The (Real) Meaning of Life' and ‘Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders' — available HERE.

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