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Prime Minister ScoMo's safe pair of hands

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The Right Honourable Prime Minister ScoMo addresses the nation to reassure the people Australia is in safe hands during these troubled times.

PRIME MINISTER SCOMO: Due to the decision of my Government to get on the front foot in combatting this COVID-19, thus limiting its spread, it is my pleasure to announce some wonderful news today. Sutherland’s Horizon Church is to receive a grant of $6 million to build an Olympic size pool on the eastern perimeter of its car park.

I want you all to note Sutherland is located in the Federal electorate of Cook, a safe Liberal seat. In no way at all can Cook be described as a marginal seat — probably because I am the sitting member and going by the figures, people love me. The fact I am the local member is purely coincidental to the Hillside Church – which, by mere chance, happens to be my church – being granted these funds.

This particular grant, should, once and for all, bring to an end the rubbish about alleged pork-barreling on the part of my Government. I’ll win the seat at the next election even if I campaign exclusively wearing a mankini for the entire campaign.

How good is it that Horizon Church will have its own swimming pool?! Think about the advantages! For starters, I know our opponents say we have our heads in the sand — the cruder among them suggest it is up to our clackholes when it comes to acknowledging or combatting climate change.

Well, I’ve got news for them.

Nothing is more important to me than the protection and wellbeing of our children. They are our future. Our future leaders and decision-makers, and must be protected at all costs. How good are swimming pools for kids?! Fair dinkum.

As long as they don’t drown. And to ensure they won’t drown we have engaged several ministers of the cloth to act as lifeguards. You can rest assured our young kids will be in their safe hands. The Horizon Church will be naming its pool the "Frank Houston Memorial Pool".

Not only that, this swimming pool can protect our kids in another way. Think of all that water. If there is the Rapture — err... I mean, fire! If there's a fire, we can shepherd all the kiddies and their families into our Church and use all that water to protect our Church from being consumed in the flames of the Rapture — sorry! I mean, the flames. That basically shoves it up all the Gretas who say we’re doing nothing regarding the impact of climate change.

I’ll hand over now to Minister Colbeck who has an exciting announcement: Richard.

RICHARD COLBECK: Thank you Prime Minister. I feel privileged to announce yet another fabulous new sporting facility which will greatly benefit our Australian community. Due to our careful, diligent and safe pair of hands in the national till, we have been able to upgrade the gym, pool, spa and sauna area in Parliament House, to the tune of $8 million. These improvements will help maintain the health of our elected members who choose to avail themselves of this resource.

Remember — healthy body, healthy mind!

Yet another way this great Morrison Government is looking after our nation and her people.

PRIME MINISTER SCOMO: Thank you, Richard. Now we’ll hear from Treasurer Frydenberg and even more good news. Josh. Josh? Where are you? He doesn’t appear to be here.

(An assistant steps forward and whisper in Morrison's ear. Morrison nods.)

Sorry. Josh sends his apologies. He dined earlier at a new Indian restaurant and it appears he has been stuck down with a bout of "Delhi belly". Most unfortunate. I did tell him not to drink the water as it could prove troublesome.

Let's move on. Minister Taylor. How about you say a few words. Angus...

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of 'Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.

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