Satire Opinion

Scott Morrison goes back to school

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(Image by Dan Jensen)

With the new school year beginning, PM Scott Morrison chose to address students of fine breeding at Geelong Grammar School.

MORRISON: Students. Future leaders of our great nation. And you will be our future leaders. You have the breeding, your families have the money and you have the right values to make a success of yourselves, your mates and this nation of kangaroos, koalas and the fair go, for those who have a go.

I chose your school for several reasons. You are an oasis of breeding in amongst the riff-raff of Labor voters, a region once noted for car manufacturing. Cars! What a joke. If they’d been infused with vision, and with all that water being here in Corio Bay, they could have made a dollar or two producing much needed submarines, but that’s Labor for you. Small ideas from small minded people.

I’m impressed with your administrative staff. Their ideas are sound. Keep the fees high; that keeps out the hoi polloi. Types you wouldn’t want to rub shoulders with. I’m sure you know the types I mean. Potential unionists, scruffians, non-smiling ingrate agitators. Those excuses for being a human.

Look at the magnificent history of your Geelong Grammar. Some of the world’s finest dignitaries developed many of their values within these corridors. Rupert Murdoch. My mate Rupert. Prince Charles, soon to be the next King of England. How good is that?

STUDENT: Going from some of the rumours I’ve heard about this place, his brother, Prince Randy Andy, may have had a better time here than Charlie did.

(The students erupt into gales of laughter. The school principal steps in.)

PRINCIPAL: Prime Minister, I am so sorry.

(Addressing the student body.)

PRINCIPAL: Please. Students. Remember your breeding. Enough. Do not be rude to our nation’s leader.

MORRISON: (To the principal) No need to fuss. Jen and I are used to this at home. Kids can be a handful at times. Even kids of exquisite breeding.

(To the students) The world is a moving feast and I want to make sure young people of your ilk and background will have a prime seat at the banquet table.

It has been a difficult few years for you. Don’t get me started on Dictator Dan and the members of his commie cabinet. Total lockdown loopy. Because of the negativity of the Labor loopies, plop plops – a la McDonalds Engadine – is currently hitting our economic fan due to a labour, that’s labour with a small L, and a U, shortage.

This opens up a plethora of opportunities today for you, our future leaders. Activities you may have dreamt of doing years from now can literally be at your fingertips.

With great pleasure, I can announce all Year 11 students will be trained in forklift driving. By the commencement of Term 2, you will all be fully qualified and will go on a sabbatical during Term 2, freeing you to help shift much-needed supplies from the warehouse to the supermarket shelf. How good is that?

All Year 10 students will spend Term 1 studying all the intricacies involved in caring for the aged. Washing them, changing nappies, safely lifting the infirm from their bed to their wheelchair, feeding them, monitoring and applying their medications and so on. From Term 2 onward, you will be placed in nursing homes around the state.

The good news doesn’t stop there. Year 8 and 9 students will spend Term 1 at Puckapunyal Military Training Area. Upon your graduation, after completing a bespoke course, you will be deployed to military bases around Australia, in readiness to defend us against the Chinese Military, if they choose to invade before our eight new submarines are ready.

Year 7 students shall undergo a weeklong course in how to inject a needle into an arm. This study will be augmented with a booklet on which questions to ask before injecting the needle.

By the middle of the second week of this term, Year 7 students will be employed at one of the many vaccination centres, be they a pharmacy, a GP clinic, or one of the government vaccination hubs dotted around our states and territories. We envisage Year 7 students should be able to return to normal studies by Term 4.

All Year 12 students will be assigned to a branch office of the L-NP, to help in any way possible, to ensure the local L-NP candidate wins that seat at the upcoming Federal Election.

As for the junior classes, prep through to Grade 6, you can carry on as per normal, right up until the week of the Federal Election. That’s when we will call upon you to hand out how-to-vote cards for the L-NP at all major road intersections and roadways, as well as all major shopping malls and shopping strips, for every electorate.

With that, I say to each and every one of you, how good is it to be back at a school of such fine breeding, with nary a rat in the ranks?

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of 'Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.

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