Satire Opinion

Scott Morrison clarifies his power grab for Jen

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(Cartoon by Mark David / @MDavidCartoons)

After hearing of hubby Scott Morrison’s habit of taking on other ministries, Jen confronts Scott at home as he cooks a curry.

Jen: Scott, can you stop stirring your one and only dish for a minute please? There are meals other than curries to cook, you know.

Scott: Hang on, Jen. I’ve almost got it to the perfect colour.

Jen: Now, Scott. Put that ladle down and face me. Right now.

(Scott reluctantly stops stirring, turns and faces his wife.)

Jen: Why didn’t you tell me about all those ministerial positions you took on?

Scott: Didn’t want to bother you with unnecessary, trivial detail, dear.

Jen: Didn’t want to bother me? Well, I am bothered! When you made yourself Health Minister, did you take on all duties involved?

Scott: Of course.

Jen: All the same duties as Greg?

Scott: I’ve already told you, yes.

Jen: Including Greg’s conjugal duties with Paula?

Scott: Jen. Seriously. What is the matter with you? As I told the press, I barely exercised any of the extra duties I bestowed on myself.

Jen: Really? What about when you made yourself Treasurer? Did you push for conjugal duties from Amie?

Scott: Of course not!

Jen: That’s well and good, but when you went into raptures after making yourself Treasurer, did you speak in tongues, or in Yiddish?

Scott: You’re kidding me, aren’t you?

Jen: Next, you’ll be making curried gefilte fish!

Scott: You’ve gone too far now, Jen. Settle down.

Jen: And how about Home Affairs? Did you go to Karen’s home and do it for Queen and Country? Well, did you?

Scott: Jen. I believe Satan has entered you. Take a step back and pray with me.

Jen: And what about all the kids of your co-ministers? Did you get them to call you “Daddy”?

Scott: Jen. Pray with me.

Jen: Is that why Karen came out so forcefully for you to resign? You made her sin with you and she wants you out of the house.

Scott: (On his knees) Dear Lord. Forgive Jen. She knows not what she says. Satan has entered her mind and is controlling her thoughts.

Jen: Shut up, Scott. Jesus, that felt good to say. I should have said that years ago. Shut up, Scott.

Scott: Lord, remove Satan from Jen’s mind.

Jen: And as for that eagle you keep going on about, the divine sign from above, it was a hawk and the only reason it wasn’t laughing at you is because it wasn’t a kookaburra.

Scott: Jen, that is not how it is.

Jen: Okay, Scott, father to all, how is it?

Scott: I will explain why I took on those extra ministries, and non-conjugal duties.

Jen: Explain away.

Scott: At the start of the pandemic, I felt lost. I needed the Lord’s guidance. Whilst we were driving to a meeting in regional New South Wales, I saw a little joey jump into its mother’s pouch. I then realised I had to be the protective parent keeping my Australian flock safe. God sent me this sign, directing me as to what I must do. I needed a bigger pouch, hence the extra ministries.

Jen: Really? A kangaroo and its pouch.

Scott: Yes, Jen. A joey.

Jen: A joey!

Scott: Yes, a joey.

Jen: All I can say is, where’s Joey Hockey when you need him?

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of 'Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.

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