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Scott Morrison announces his economic plan to save Australia

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Scott Morrison is willing to start handing out cash to those who need it the most - the LNP and friends (Image by Dan Jensen)

Prime Minister Scott Morrison, relishing his new role as Australia's Santa Claus, continues in this giving vein as he addresses his flock yet again.

MORRISON: Men and women of Australia. Err, sorry. A bit too Whitlamesque for me. I’ll start again. Fair dinkum. How good is this? Yeah, that’s more me. How good is it being able to announce a new tranche of measures to stimulate our great nation?

Let’s get straight into it.

Our aviation industry is taking a hit like you wouldn’t believe. It’s near impossible to book a flight to Hawaii. That’s bad — really bad. To ameliorate this downturn in aviation I am tickled pink to announce a $400,000,000 grant to Bronwyn Bishop for her to set up a flight training academy which will employ unemployed pilots to learn how and then teach others to fly helicopters.

I know it’s a lot of public money, but I can assure Bronwyn, this is in no way at all an act of socialism.

I am aware the calls for social distancing impact on our workplaces. Working from home. Some of you may be stuck at your workplaces. Well, I have granted Bruce Billson $125,000,000 to set up a new organisation: Working from Work. Its simplicity is beautiful. The Bruce Billson Online College for Moonlighting will train you to moonlight another work-related source of income whilst still at your primary workplace. How good is that? Technically, you’re not at one of your workplaces.

With great pleasure, we are able to grant Angus Taylor $3,000,000,000, basically to do with what he wants. We may ask him to design and manufacture impossible-to-counterfeit Australian currency. But Angus is such a great guy, he has carte blanche. He has assured me he will guarantee a significant trickle-down structure for those of you he may employ.

Continuing along this trickle-down path, monies have been released to Twiggy Forrest, Gina Rinehart, Clive Palmer and Gautam Adani. They are free to dig up anything they can and promise not to keep all the $12,000,000,000 they’ll collectively receive just for themselves. How good are these four wonderful people?

In these difficult days, with people bunkering in at home, our real estate industry is being kicked in the guts like you wouldn’t believe. To kick things along in a more positive manner for the industry, my government is chuffed to announce a grant of $1,500,000,000 to our own Sussan Ley so she can train real estate agents to encourage more spontaneous purchasing by potential home buyers. This will stimulate the market, industry and our national economy.

Pursuant to this enterprise, a grant of $3,000,000 goes to Joe Hockey to promote Airbnb options in Australia; yet another area suffering due to the current downturn in tourism.

When times are tough, people tend to tighten their belts. Luxury goods such as jewellery and expensive watches remain unsold. To help sandbag this vital area of our economy from the horrors of COVID-19, my government has set aside $5,000,000,000 for Stuart Robert to subsidise his mates and other wealthy Australians to facilitate their continued purchasing of things like designer watches, as their incomes suffer an expected downturn from our spluttering economy.

I do not wish to be known as the PM who oversaw the demise of Australian polo during his watch. To ensure this shocking outcome will not eventuate, my government has bestowed funds of $100,000,000 to set up the Julie Bishop Academy, to teach correct etiquette and attire at polo events for all students of private schools in Australia.

Have I mentioned the $3,000,000,000 to that great guy Angus Taylor? Oh, it seems I have.

Our kiddies mustn’t be forgotten. For this very reason, a grant of $50,000,000 has been awarded to Peter Dutton to continue his excellent work in this important area, providing secure borders so our toddlers can be safe as they frolic away in their sand pits

$2,000,000,000 goes to Bridget McKenzie to set up an uber-sized indoor sports centre, featuring many indoor swimming pools, shooting ranges, football ovals, cricket fields, hockey fields, basketball courts, male and female change rooms. I’m sure Bridget will make a great success of this venture.

I saved the best for last. $12,000,000,000 goes to Pastor Brian Houston to set up a Hillsong Chaplaincy in every Australian school, be they public, private or religious-based, to teach the gospel according to the belief of Hillsong. How good is that?

You can see my government has produced a recession-busting, benefit-to-all stimulus package.

Stay safe. God bless all of you and go Sharks!

Goodness gracious me. I nearly forgot to mention the $10,000,000 grant to my beloved Cronulla Sharks Rugby League Club, basically, just because I barrack for them.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of 'Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.

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