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Scott-liness is next to Godliness

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(Cartoon by Mark David / @MDavidCartoons)

Ever keen to spread the word, God's homie, PM Morrison, lays it on thick with IA’s religion reporter.

IA: Thank you, Prime Minister, for giving me your time today.

MORRISON: No problem at all. God bless you.

IA: Let’s get straight into it. You claim God spoke directly to you, sent you a message via the soaring eagle.

MORRISON: That’s correct. A beautiful creation from our Lord. The power and grace of a soaring eagle. I heard God’s voice saying to me: 'Scott. Take note of this magnificent bird. Understand what it represents and it will help you attain your goals, and then you are enabled to do my work.'

IA: God talks to you, Prime Minister?

MORRISON: Yes, he does.

IA: That’s wonderful. Can you tell me the accent God has? Is it an Aussie, a Kiwi or South African accent? Or does God’s voice have an Eastern European accent?

MORRISON: Come to think of it, I’ve never really taken notice of his accent. Let me come back to you on that after the next time he speaks to me. But I know it is God because he said he wants me to do his work.

IA: Really! Has he ever asked you to hold a hose and water the Garden of Eden for him, so to speak, or to help put out a bushfire that’s killing millions of his creations?

MORRISON: No. It doesn’t really work like that.

IA: Oh. Thank you for helping clarify things. One question.

MORRISON: Yes. If I can help spread God’s word, I am only too happy to answer.

IA: Thank you. You agree God is omnipotent.

MORRISON: Yes, he is.

IA: If he’s omnipotent, why does he need you to do his work for him? Surely he can just make it happen.

MORRISON: Our Lord is not ego-driven. He is supremely humble and inclusive. By getting his believers to partake in his load, he helps us to claim ownership of life’s beauty and bounty.

IA: Hence the opulent grandeur of Vatican City (the luxury Sydney apartment owned by your mate, the Greek Archbishop). Hillsong’s many properties.

MORRISON: Yes. Precisely.

IA: Can I tell you of my experience of God speaking directly to me?

MORRISON: Why, of course. Go ahead.

IA: It is uncannily similar to your own experience. That is partly why I have been so keen to interview you.

MORRISON: Praise the Lord. Please tell me.

IA: I was sent the same image you were sent. A soaring eagle. Then God spoke to me. She said this: 'Take note of that which dwells above you.'

I interpreted God’s words to mean there are literally billions of birds in the sky at any given moment and they’ve all got to take a dump sometime. So, I went off and bought myself an Akubra hat, like Barnaby Joyce wears, in case a bird lands one right on me.

MORRISON: I think you have been deceived by the evil one. He is an expert deceiver and mimic.

IA: Why do you think it was the evil one and not God?

MORRISON: First give away is you implying God is a woman. No way. God is a man.

IA: Okay. But you said it must be the evil one and that he is an expert mimic. If Satan is such a great deceiver, why would he make such a basic mistake of using a feminine voice when he knows God is masculine?

MORRISON: Umm. I don’t accept your premise. Also, you mentioned Barnaby Joyce. God would not lead you to copy that fornicator, that adulterer, in any way, shape or form.

IA: If it makes you feel any better, God also told me to scour the net to seek out her truths. I built up a home internet bill of $38,000, the same amount as your colleague, the godly Stuart Robert.

MORRISON: Which he repaid once he realised he had worked up such a bill from downloading so much data centred on religion. Poor fellow lost all track of time.

IA: Surely he could have checked his watch every now and then to see how long things were taking?

MORRISON: To err is human and even magnificent Christians, and children of God – such as Stewie and myself – are mere mortals and not divine.

IA: I understand. On another point, were you happy with how the media covered your recent speech at the ACC’s knees-up at the Gold Coast?

MORRISON: Very much so. Almost to a person, the media and my parliamentary colleagues from all sides of the chamber jumped to the defence of my right to my religious beliefs and the respect they deserve.

IA: You strongly believe we should respect all people’s religious beliefs.

MORRISON: Yes, I do.

IA: Would it make you question your faith if your beloved Cronulla Sharks were beaten in this year’s NRL Grand Final and the captain of the winning team thanks God for their victory? And to compound your distress, you prayed to God pre-game for a Cronulla victory.

MORRISON: Nothing can make me question my faith.

IA: I am the same in that regard, Prime Minister. My church believes Mick Jagger was sent to us by God and Jagger’s dance moves on stage are a form of code — a language, to decipher and understand God’s word.

MORRISON: Really?

IA: Yes. So far, we have definitely ascertained God does not recommend Keef Richards’ lifestyle as a model to fashion your life by. He is led by the evil one. I hope you can respect my beliefs.

MORRISON: Well, it sounds a bit delusional. A separate language, open to any interpretation. I assume you are the only follower of this.

IA: No, Prime Minister. Thousands of us belong to the "Jagger Jives Church of First Day Opportunists".

MORRISON: Really. Thousands of you?!

IA: Yes, Prime Minister.

MORRISON: Well, that’s different then. I wish your church every success.

IA: Thank you, Prime Minister. One last question, if I may?

MORRISON: Yes.

IA: What will you do if God speaks directly to you and instructs you to continue his work by telling you to vote for Labor at the next federal election?

MORRISON: I don’t accept your hypothetical premise!!

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of 'Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.

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