Following the bloodbath of the Victorian State Election, PM ScoMo meets with his Federal colleagues to devise a strategy to win back disgruntled Liberal voters across the nation. Listen in as ScoMo rallies the troops.
SCOMO: I’m not blind to the fact we, as a party, have seen better days, but when I look around this room I feel blessed. That’s right, blessed. I prayed to God last night and he spoke to me.
KEVIN ANDREWS: What did he say?
SCOMO: That’s an excellent question, Kevin. Thanking you for asking it.
God said to me, Don’t fret. Don’t suffer. Rejoice in the fact I am on your side.
[ScoMo smiles and stands in silence.]
JULIE BISHOP: That’s it? God’s on your side!
SCOMO: Yes. That’s it, Julie. What more do you need?
BISHOP: Details. Does He mean He barracks for the Cronulla Sharks, too? Does it mean God would have voted for you in the leadership spill?
SCOMO: Of course not, Julie. It means God wants us to win the next federal election.
BISHOP: Oh, that’s just marvellous. Even if He could vote He can only vote once. Fat lot of good that would do. We were smashed in Victoria.
SCOMO: Enough of your cynicism, Julie. Time to get an opinion from another woman from our progressive wing. Julia, what do you think?
[There is no response.]
Julia Banks, don’t be shy. Speak up. Where are you?
TONY ABBOTT: She fucked off on us, Scott. Weak slag threw a bitch fit and scarpered to join that dyke from Wentworth on the cross benches. Bet you it’s her time of month.
MARISSA PAYNE: You disgust me, Tony.
MICHAELIA CASH: He does have a point, Marissa. She was always whingeing about something.
SCOMO: Girls, please. Enough! None of this is doing us any good. Time to hear from a man who knows how to handle pressure. Jim. You’ve been to war. Any ideas?
JIM MOLAN: You can all go fuck yourselves. Dumping me off the Senate just so some fat arsed sheila can take my seat. Get fucked, the lot of you.
ABBOTT: I still love you, Jim.
MOLAN: That’s just wonderful, you stupid dickhead. You’re the moron who devised the system that resulted in me being fucked.
SCOMO: Please. Everyone. Turn away from all this anger and disharmony. God loves you. That should give all of us strength.
Okay Jim, if you won’t talk, let’s hear from one of our leaders. Peter? Peter. Any ideas?
[Peter Dutton is on the phone.]
PETER DUTTON: Err, not now Scott! Can’t you see I’m on the phone?! An issue has come up at one of our kiddy centres. Seems some refugee family wants to send their kid to one of our centres. Give me a few minutes.
SCOMO: Yes. Yes, I see. Craig? Craig Kelly. What do you think? Speak up, Craig. It’s not like you to be shy about stating your opinions.
SUSSAN LEY: He’s not here. He’s taken his bat and ball and gone home.
SCOMO: This is ridiculous. Where is everyone? Christopher. You claim you’re a fixer. Fix it.
CHRISTOPHER PYNE: Okay. First thing. Anyone from Labor who dobs one of ours, we dob one of theirs.
ERIC ABETZ: How about, they dob one of us, we dob ten of them? That’s what my uncle did.
SCOMO: No, Eric. The Bible says an eye for an eye.
JANE HUME: Surely we’ve moved forward since that book was written. Bible or not.
ABBOTT: Why don’t you shut the fuck up, you stupid woman?! Get back in your box, or do something useful and make me a sandwich.
SCOMO: Tony! Please! Can we get back to Christopher? What else?
PYNE: Well, let’s play to our strengths. Scott — you’ve got expertise in advertising. Rather than coming up with policies, how about we come up with a hot advertising campaign?
GREG HUNT: Yeah. Something like, Be a Liberal man and get all the hot chicks.
LINDA REYNOLDS: Greg! Please! You men are horrible!
SCOMO: I like it.
ABBOTT: And Kevin and I can ride our bikes and wear lycra.
BISHOP: Yes. That will do it. Men in lycra are simply irresistible. Ask any woman in this room.
SCOMO: Enough of this tit for tat.
ABBOTT: Tits for tat, Scott.
PAYNE: You, are a vulgar, little man, Abbott.
SCOMO: Please. Please. Christopher makes a good point. Play to our strengths ... I’ve got it! A rolling campaign centred on the world’s great speeches.
ANDREWS: I like it. Which speeches?
SCOMO: An excellent question and thank you for asking it, Kevin. Such as Martin Luther King’s famous "I have a dream" speech.
He could say something like, “I have a dream that all people regardless of their colour, creed, religion or sexual orientation, will vote Liberal. I have a dream.”
With modern technology, surely we can doctor his speech to make it look and sound like that is what he said?
JOSH FRYDENBERG: Not a good idea, Scott. People know that speech too well and won’t warm to it being used like that.
SCOMO: You’re right, Josh. I’d better play to my strengths. We’ll do a shoot at Cronulla beach. I’ll get a Pamela Anderson lookalike to wear a bikini and star jump as she says, “Liberal voters. Where the bloody hell are you?"
Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of 'Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.
Rocky's latest book, '42+1, the Real Meaning of Life', will be launched by Ged Kearney MP on Tuesday, 11 December 7-9pm at the Thornbury Theatre in Melbourne. You can purchase Rocky's books and CDs from the IA store here.
Support independent journalism Subscribe to IA.