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Scarlett Johansson (Screenshot via YouTube)

International film association's Angelina Fry announces major changes to its governing philosophies in a high-level media conference to which IA was invited.

Angelina Fry's Media Conference transcript

I am sure you are well aware of Scarlett Johansson’s recent decision to remove herself from the role of Dante "Tex" Gill, the transgender '70s figure from Pittsburgh.

We agree with her decision and, indeed, our association applauds her for choosing this action. We believe she has shown us the way to approach all future casting. We are still in discussions as to whether to make our new guidelines retrospective.

Henceforth, to qualify to play a role, you must have been, or be, a representative of that subculture.

I give the example of our proposed new blockbuster Margaret and Ronald: A Political Love Affair. For the role of former British Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, the current prime minister, Theresa May, is the only woman in the world with the appropriate credentials acceptable to allow her to be cast as Thatcher.

Prime Minister May is yet to decide whether to accept the role. She stated it is largely dependent upon how the Brexit strategy pans out, plus who will be cast as Ronald Reagan. She requested it either George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Daniel Day-Lewis or Kenneth Branagh. Sadly, all fail to meet our new criteria. Upon hearing this, PM May uttered: “Definitely not Donald.”

Speaking of leading man options, George H. Bush and Jimmy Carter are both too long in the tooth and too frail to take on such a taxing role.

George W. Bush’s ability to remember lines, or read autocues, quite frankly, is fucked.

Bill Clinton is not a viable option in today’s #metoo climate.

Current incumbent, Donald Trump, was very interested until he heard Theresa May would be his co-star. Added to his scepticism was the horror he felt at hearing he would have to dye his hair colour black.

President Trump later tweeted

#DonaldTrump … I have the best, most famous, perfect and wonderful hairstyle any American president, or indeed, any political leader has ever had. To fuck with it in any way is tantamount to an act of high treason against our recently great-again nation. God bless America and God bless me.

This leaves Barack Obama as the film’s last option for an appropriate leading man. When asked if he could play the role of Ronald Reagan he answered “Yes I can”, but we will have to wait to see if he does.

For the larger canvas, from now on you must be an American to play an American. And the same for every other nationality. No more accented roles for Cate Blanchett, Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe and so on in Hollywood. Academy Award winner Geoffrey Rush is already completely fucked for any future roles in our new world cinematic order.

Further guidleines include:

  • no gay men playing straight men;
  • no straight men playing gay men;
  • same for women;
  • no men playing women. No women playing men;
  • to play a married couple, you must be a married couple;
  • to play a sports star you have to have been a champion in that sport;
  • to be a doctor on the screen, you guessed it, you must have been a doctor off-screen;
  • same for police roles; and
  • ditto to play a murderer.

You can see it may get a tad problematic, but we are willing to pay any price for integrity.

We will know next week if our new standards are to be retrospective. I suggest you watch the back catalogue of Rock Hudson if you are a fan. His entire body of work is about to be taped over with new episodes of reality cooking shows if retrospectivity gets the nod.

The news is not all bad. We have received confirmation from our Australian colleagues that they will start production next month on a film biog of their current PM, Malcolm Turnbull. This is possible because one of the few men in the world able to meet our regulations to play such a role has said yes. That man is Tony Abbott. We eagerly await its release.

[Angelina is handed a sheet of paper by an aide]

Exciting, late-breaking news has just been presented to me: Julia Gillard has put her hand up to play the role of Prime Minister Thatcher if Theresa May declines.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of 'Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.

You can purchase Rocky's book, 'Stoney Broke and the High Spenders' from the IA store here. The CD '42/68' by Rocky and the Two Bob Millionaires is also available from the IA store here.

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