Tony Abbott, Eric Abetz, Kevin Andrews et al play "weddings".
Roll call for Grade 4 — in a typical classroom, in a typical Australian primary school.
TEACHER: Abbott.
ABBOTT: Here, Sir.
TEACHER: Abetz.
ABETZ: Present, Sir.
TEACHER: Andrews.
ANDREWS: Yes Sir. I’m here. I’m a good boy, Sir.
TEACHER: (Looks up) Are you now, Andrews?
ANDREWS: Yes Sir. Good... and God-fearing!
TEACHER: Well, if you don’t move from the desk you’re in and sit in the desk you’re meant to be in, you won’t have to fear God because you’ll be too busy fearing me.
ANDREWS: Please don’t make me, Sir. I don’t want to sit next to Abbott and Abetz.
ABBOTT: I don’t want that either, Sir. It’s bad enough having to sit next to Eric. I can barely understand a word he says with his bullshit German accent. If it wasn’t for Hogan’s Heroes, I wouldn’t have any clue at all as to what he’s saying.
TEACHER: That’s not very nice.
ABETZ: I don’t like it, either. I want to sit next to a girl, Sir.
TEACHER: Aren’t you boys afraid of getting girl germs?
ABBOTT: Of course I am, Sir.
ANDREWS: Me too, Sir.
ABETZ: Same here, Sir.
ABBOTT: But it’s natural. God wants us to get girl germs. The Bible is full of boys getting girl germs.
TEACHER: That’s all well and good but there are more boys than girls in this class and you three have to sit together.
ABBOTT: That’s not fair. Why can’t Turnbull sit here and I can sit at the desk he’s in, Sir? He’s sitting next to a girl.
TEACHER: Abbott. You know our class seating plan. Can I get on with today's lesson? Is that alright with you boys?
ABBOTT/ABETZ/ANDREWS: Yes Sir.
TURNBULL: I like where I’m sitting, Sir. Lucy is good to sit next to.
TEACHER: No need to go on about it, Turnbull.
TURNBULL: Sorry, Sir.
LUCY: You’re so cute, Malcolm.
TEACHER: Class, Google the Unification Church. Who wants to read?
ABETZ: Me, Sir.
TEACHER: No one will understand you, Abetz.
MORRISON: Me Sir, please.
TEACHER: Righto, Morrison. Seeing your family is involved in the Pentecostal Church, you are well suited to start today's reading.
MORRISON: Thank you, Sir. I’ll do a good job.
Sun Myong Moon set up the Unification Church in Seoul, in 1954. The Church became famous for its mass Marriage and Blessing Ceremony where hundreds of men and women either married or rededicated their marriage vows to each other. Doing this removed them from the lineage of sinful humanity and they could then live free from the consequences of Original Sin.
The Blessed family unit of the man and the woman is central to the Church’s beliefs.
TEACHER: Very good, Morrison.
MORRISON: Thank you, Sir. I told you I would be good. I can do my 15 times table for you if you want.
TEACHER: Maybe later. But now class, we’re going to enact a mass marriage ceremony from the Unification Church.
ABBOTT: No, Sir. That idea sucks. There aren’t enough girls.
TEACHER: Don’t worry Tony. It’s not for real. You can marry either Abetz or Andrews. Take your pick.
ABBOTT: No Sir, I won’t.
TEACHER: Righto. Andrews. You can marry Abbott.
ANDREWS: I don’t want to. But I will because I am a good God-fearing and teacher-fearing boy.
TEACHER: Very good ... and Kevin, you can wear a dress.
ANDREWS: No. Really, no.
TEACHER: Pyne. Go to the drama room and select two dresses. Eric will need a frock as well. I’ll have to marry Eric myself, to even up the numbers.
PYNE: Yes, Sir. I’ll pick the prettiest frocks I can find.
Pyne toddles off.
ANDREWS: Sir. I’m a good boy and boys don’t wear frocks.
TEACHER: I understand, but for the sake of the exercise it won’t hurt you.
ABETZ: I don’t want to either, Sir. My uncle said Hermann Goering looked ridiculous in drag. Boys wearing frocks is against God’s teaching, Sir.
TEACHER: Well, explain to me, this: can Catholic Priests be defrocked?
ABBOTT/ABETZ/ANDREWS: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: Well, to be defrocked surely implies you were in a frock to start with, doesn’t it boys?
ABBOTT/ABETZ/ANDREWS: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: So if it’s good enough for Catholic Priests it’s good enough for you.
ANDREWS: Suppose so, Sir.
TURNBULL: (Quietly to Lucy) Aren’t they silly billies? It doesn’t really mean you’ve had your frock taken off you.
LUCY: You’re so clever and so cute.
Pyne arrives, frocks in hand: one red and one blue.
ANDREWS/ABETZ: (Together) I’ll have the blue.
ANDREWS: You have the red.
ABETZ: No. You have the red.
ANDREWS: No. You.
ABETZ: You. I want the blue.
The two boys quickly start pushing and shoving each other.
TEACHER: Boys. Please.
Punches are thrown.
TEACHER: Stop it. Now!
ABBOTT: Boys will be boys, Sir.
Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Australia License
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