Satire

Reasons why Tony is voting ‘No’ and thinks everyone else should too

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(Meme via @ActualFredSmith)

A document listing the reasons why Tony Abbott thinks we should all vote "No" has been leaked to Rocky Dabschek.

If they vote "Yes" we’ll have to vote on it in the House and that will cut into my drinking time.

Because Malcolm is voting "Yes".

Because you should never mate with a mate.

To ensure the arrival of refugee boats doesn’t start up again.

Because when I used to go out with my sister, she always got the good looking girl and I was stuck with the ugly friend.

If you are gay and you don’t want to get married, and your partner does.

Because voting "No" will lower your energy bill.

Because I don’t like Christopher Pyne and he is voting "Yes", and Paul Murray said Pyne wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire.

I like Cory Bernardi and he is voting "No" and Paul Murray said Bernardi would piss on you if you were on fire, and if ever I’m on fire I want Cory Bernardi to piss on me.

Because The Labor Party want you to vote "Yes" and I don’t like them.

Because our Family Law Courts are clogged up enough just dealing with hetero couples.

Because Evelyn and Evelyn Waugh made a lovely, married couple, even though the husband had a stupid name for a man.

If you don’t like the direction the country is going in.

If you think New Zealand poses a major threat to our nation’s security – and I do! – and you’re sick of them winning the Bledisloe Cup.

To stop political correctness forever.

If you can’t light up a fag near food, or inside a public building, you shouldn’t be able to marry a fag — unless you are a woman, of course.

To ensure you will never be knocked out of the last leg of the quaddie by a 100/1 hack ever again.

Because we wouldn’t know Elton John if he had only been a wedding singer.

Because Alexander Downer looks better than me in fishnet stockings and stilettos, and he won’t give up being our ambassador to the United Kingdom for me.

If your answer to the question, "Should Collingwood change its coach?" is no, well, be consistent and vote no.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders.

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