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Morrison leads Australia through the COVID-19 pandemic

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Cartoon by Mark David / @MDavidCartoons

Prime Minister Scott Morrison reassures the nation about the Government measures in place to address the COVID-19 pandemic. Executive editor Michelle Pini reports.

G’DAY STRAYA. It’s your PM here. Prime Minister ScoMo.

I’m just here, broadcasting this announcement live from the Hillsong Conference in Sydney, where thousands of people from all over the world have gathered, to reassure everyone about this C.O.V.… C.O.V. — the coronavirus business.

Now, just so you know, I don’t have it. Never have. Never will. To appease all the non-believers, however, I even had the test. I already knew the result would be negative, despite the best efforts of some people – yes, I’m looking at you, Peter – to infect me.

Of course, I know I’m immune — which is why I didn’t quarantine myself to wait on the result. How do I know this? Simple. When I was last chattin’ with the big guy, himself – for you non-believers, that would be God – he said, “ScoMo, Mate, of course, you won’t get it! You don’t think all that praying is going unnoticed, do you?”

I mean, how good is God?!

But back to my sermon — I mean, the coronavirus announcement. Firstly, as of tomorrow, not yesterday or today, there will be no more public gatherings — not like this one, which is attended by thousands of people.

Secondly, just so you know, if you’ve been in contact with anyone, or anything that has this foul disease, this plague brought on by the Almighty Himself, you must self-isolate.

Now, don’t go saying you didn’t know when you obviously do know who you are. I am here to reassure you all that failure to self-isolate will result in massive fines and even gaol. 

Now, I know some of you may die, if not from the plague, then from the lack of food and medication, but well, this is what happens to Heathens, I mean, carriers — carriers who don’t self-isolate.

And just so you know, we know who you are – even if you don’t – and rest assured, we will find you. In this, Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton and I are united. Keeping our borders safe is our number one priority. Always has been. Always will be. Fair dinkum!

So, If you come by boat... I mean, if you come by plane — if you are a diseased, despicable person, we will hunt you down and you will go to Manus... Christmas Island. Now this will be the case, especially if you come from China, or anywhere in the Middle East, naturally. Actually, make that anywhere other than here. Unless you’re Indigenous – then we will hunt you down anyway – if we haven’t already.

And failing your death, from the virus, or from starvation, you will stay in detention, where you belong, until we can make you stateless and send you somewhere else.

How good is border protection?!

Some of you have dared to criticise me (though not many based on the latest Newspoll) for delaying this excellent action by my Government. But let me tell you, Australia leads the world in coronavirus prevention and, of course, detention.

And as for those impertinent questions about why this wasn’t done sooner, well I have two words for you: the footy and the Hillsong convention. Three. Three words. And how good are those Sharks?!

But anyway, I think you misunderstand the point of what we’re doing, as of Monday. Tomorrow, not today. It’s a stepped response. And the steps need to consider the two — no, three words above. They’re part of the steps. 

So now, as of tomorrow, refer to my words above. Not just the three words but all of the words. For this is the Word. Deadset.

This is Prime Minister ScoMo signing off from the greatest conference on Earth and reminding you, again, that this is a stepped response. The best response in the whole world.

And also, we will find you. You know who you are.

(Camera pans to the crowd and Rapturous applause.)

You can follow executive editor Michelle Pini on Twitter @VMP9. You can also follow Independent Australia on Twitter at @independentaus or on Facebook HERE.

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