Morrison, Frydenberg, Joyce and Cash fundraise for Labor electorates

Scott Morrison addresses the crowd in Lismore in New South Wales.

MORRISON: Being confined to isolation as COVID ran its course through my person allowed me time to reflect, think, ruminate, assess and ponder: what can I do to further improve this bonza, in fact, the most bonza of all, country of ours?

I believe I have, with the help of my Coalition colleagues, come up with truly wonderful suggestions which will result in a chorus of “How good is that!” when you hear our plans.

My Government, most unfairly I may add, has been accused of favouring Coalition electorates over regions represented by Labor. Cease, desist, discontinue such outrageous, unjustified and downright false claims of bias by my government in its governance of this current crisis.

To prove, irrefutably, we govern for all Australians, I have gathered many senior members of my Government to announce some extra things we plan to do to ameliorate the suffering of those unfortunate souls residing in Labor held seats.

To kick things off I invite our wonderful Treasurer, Josh Frydenberg, to tell you his good news.

Frydenberg moves to the microphone.

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FRYDENBERG: Thank you Prime Minister. You can see I’m holding up a jar filled with jelly beans. For only $5 per guess and you can guess as many times as you wish; if you guess correctly, you get the jar and all the jelly beans in it. This offer is open to all of Australia. I’ll pay the postage if required. Everything going well we expect to raise $38,000 for a Labor held electorates affected by the floods.

MORRISON: Thank you, Josh. What a good guy he is. What Josh humbly didn’t mention is he bought the jelly beans out of his own money. And remember, all monies raised will go to a Labor seat. Michaelia Cash, get yourself up here.

Attorney-General Cash takes to the microphone.

CASH: Thank you Prime Minister. I will be setting up a stall with my very good friend Bridget McKenzie. A kissing booth. $5 a kiss.

Bridget and I envisage our little stall should raise $20,000 minimum, with all proceeds going to Labor seats.

MORRISON: How good is that! I’d kick it off with $30 worth if I could, but Jen would get irate. I’m sure Barnaby, Alan and Christian will help push the tally up a dollar or two.

My turn now. I’m establishing an auction. You can bid to have your Prime Minister, me, visit your home, if you still have one, and I’ll cook my world-famous Sri Lankan curry for you. How good is that! Should fetch a cool $100,000.

Your turn now Dan.

Education Minister Dan Tehan moves to centre stage.

TEHAN: Thank you, Scott. If I may turn your attention to the three wheelbarrows a short distance from here. At my own expense, I have had the barrows filled to the brim with lemons. I’ll be manning my store, offering a glass of my homemade lemonade at $3.50 a glass. Cheap at twice the price. I’ll be staggered if my lemonade stall isn’t good for at least $3,000 going to Labor electorates.

MORRISON: Thank you, Dan. I’ll definitely partake of a glass or two. Time for the Coalition women to step up to the plate. Marise and Anne; I believe you have an exciting announcement.

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Marise Payne and Anne Ruston move to the microphone.

PAYNE: Prime Minister. Anne, myself, Linda Reynolds and Karen Andrews will be offering the old 10 cents a dance scenario. This time round it will cost $10 a dance. Waltzes, Foxtrot, Cha-Cha, the Twist and the Quickstep are on offer. Being an old rocker myself, I’m willing to offer some rock n roll dance moves at $20 a dance. Should be a lot of fun and we’ll be disappointed if we can’t rustle up at least $50,000 for some unfortunate, flooded Labor electorate.

MORRISON: How good are the Coalition girls! Thank you ladies. David Littleproud. Your turn.

LITTLEPROUD: An authentic Aussie fundraiser must have a good old fashioned chook raffle. This time, it’s with a difference. Three prized live chooks from my property are up for grabs. Laverne, Maxene, and Patty, named after the Andrews sisters, lay the best eggs anywhere along the east coast. An absolute steal at $500 each. That’s another $1,500 for Labor held seats.

MORRISON: Thank you David Time for the big boy Barnaby.

JOYCE: Thank you Prime Minister. $10,000 out of my pocket goes to anyone who can drink me under the table. If you try, and fail, you only pay me $1,000, which will go to the flood fund. If you outdrink me I’ll put $10,000 into your pocket and $10,000 into the flood fund for Labor seats. I’ll take three of you on, one after another. A guaranteed minimum of $3,000 for the fund.

MORRISON: Thank you Barnaby. All up we’re talking, at the very least, a siz figure sum for flooded Labor electorates. How good is my Government! No way Labor could ever come up with a scheme as generous or benevolent. Remember that on Election Day.

Afternote: The PM's Sri Lankan curry auction raised $15.