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We go now to Malcom Roberts’ press conference.

MALCOLM ROBERTS: Before I take any questions, I will read my prepared statement to you.

First point I wish to make is that I wrote this statement all by myself, without any help from my sister. She didn’t even proofread it, let alone come up with any suggestions as to what I should include.

I am a very intelligent person. I was a public servant, you know, and places in the public service are highly sought after and highly competitive, and dumbos don’t get a look in. So that proves I am intelligent.

Secondly, I want to point out the reason I am denying I was ever a British citizen is not because, as some of you think, I am a chronic denier, as in climate change denial. Let me state categorically, I am not and never have been a climate change denier. I am a proud Queenslander and what is it we Queenslanders say about our weather? I’ll tell you: "Beautiful one day, perfect the next." Not beautiful one day, beautiful the next. Beautiful and perfect are two different words. That implies change. So, by definition, I acknowledge weather changes from one day to the next.

Added to this is the fact I change the climate all the time. When it is really hot at home, I put the airconditioner on. And when I am in Canberra for the Winter Parliamentary Session, I put the heater on. So there!

I deny ever having been a British citizen, because, despite what my own lawyer may have said, or what my own email may suggest and even though I was born in India, which is not Australia, I am an Australian senator and, to be an Australian senator, you have to exclusively be an Australian citizen — so that proves I am solely an Australian citizen.

That is the end of my written statement. Are there any questions?

JOURNALIST ONE: How is Pauline reacting to all of this?

MALCOLM ROBERTS: Pauline and I are very close. She is holding tight to me. I don’t mean literally — I mean in a metaphorical sort of way and, if any of you extrapolate from what I have just said that there is anything improper in my relationship with Pauline well, I categorically, completely and utterly, deny that is, or ever has been the case.

JOURNALIST TWO:  Is there anything else you wish to clear up.

MALCOLM ROBERTS:  Yes. There is. Despite dressing up as Elvis Presley for last year’s One Nation Christmas party, I deny ever having been, then, now, or in the future, Elvis Presley.

JOURNALIST THREE:  Really! Anything else?

MALCOLM ROBERTS:  Yes. I deny being Banksy, Jack The Ripper, The Loch Ness Monster, The last Tasmanian Tiger, the Silent Majority, the real shooter who assassinated JFK, the Drury Lane Ghost, the woman Billy Snedden was with when he died. The dentist responsible for Les Darcy’s untimely death.

That should do it for now. If I may, I will take my leave. I have an appointment at the British High Commission in half an hour, to see if I will qualify for British dole payments if I lose my right to sit in the Senate.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders.

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