IA sleuth Rocky Dabscheck uncovers Senator Jim Molan's complex 'no evidence' philosophy.
MOLAN AT THE BIRTH OF HIS CHILD
MOLAN: How good is this?! I’ll be a dad in a matter of minutes. I’ll have my own little new Australian son.
(Doctor enters the waiting room.)
DOCTOR: Good news. Both mother and daughter are doing well.
MOLAN: What was that you said? Mother and daughter?
DOCTOR: Yes. You’re the father of a gorgeous, healthy, little girl.
MOLAN: A girl? Rubbish! I’m sure he’s a little boy.
DOCTOR: I assure you she is a girl. You can come with me and I’ll show you.
(They proceed to where Anne Molan is cuddling her newborn daughter.)
ANNE: James. Isn’t she gorgeous?!
MOLAN: I’ll decide, dear.
(Molan takes the young child, holds it up in front of him and closely inspects the baby’s little body.)
MOLAN: You say it’s a girl.
ANNE: Yes dear. You can see she’s a girl.
DOCTOR: See? There’s no extra little bit.
MOLAN: That’s all well and good but I tell you, it’s a boy. And just like me, he’ll become a general in the Australian military.
DOCTOR: There is unequivocal evidence your child, biologically, is a girl.
MOLAN: I do not rely on evidence to form my opinions.
MOLAN OFFICIATES AT AN ARMY VERSUS NAVY CRICKET MATCH
(The Army team is bowling. The Army bowler runs in, bowls a slow off-break delivery. The ball is hit back over his head, landing 12 rows back in the stand. Molan raises his finger to signal the batsman is out.)
NAVY BATSMAN: That can’t be out! We’re not playing over the fence, six and out.
MOLAN: I know. You’re out.
NAVY BATSMAN: Bullshit! What the fuck for?
MOLAN: LBW.
NAVY BATSMAN: Are you off your head? Have a look at my bat. You can see the mark in the sweet spot where I’ve just hit it.
MOLAN: LBW. Now walk back to the pavilion, Sonny Jim.
NAVY BATSMAN: LBW? No way! How can a ball bowled that slowly bounce off a pad and land that far back over the fence? It is scientifically impossible. Don’t you know the laws of physics?
MOLAN: I don’t rely on evidence. Now, get off the oval.
NAVY BATSMAN: No. You fuck off.
(The batsman drops his bat and punches Molan in the face, breaking the Senator’s nose. He is rushed to hospital, where, nose still bloody, he is examined by a doctor.)
MOLAN GOES TO HOSPITAL
DOCTOR: I can see you’ve suffered a rather nasty hit to your nose.
MOLAN: Not that I’m aware of.
DOCTOR: Then why are you here? Blood is streaming from your bruised nose.
MOLAN: I was umpiring a cricket game, moved to avoid a ball and twisted my ankle in doing so.
DOCTOR: Really? Can you walk across the room and back, please?
(Molan stands and effortlessly walks with no trace of a limp.)
DOCTOR: Well, that all seems in order, but your nose really doesn’t look in good nick.
MOLAN: The nose is nothing. It’s my ankle, I tell you.
DOCTOR: Doesn’t appear that way to me. There is literally a body of evidence on your body suggesting otherwise.
MOLAN: I don’t rely on evidence.
DOCTOR: Be that as it may. I’ll give you some bandages and you can apply them where you want.
(Several months later, a fully recovered Molan, is asked to be the judge as to whether a leading Young Liberal misappropriated over a million dollars from the NSW Liberal Party branch bank account.)
MOLAN: I see here the accused earns a modest income; does not come from a wealthy family. Yet, in the past 18 months, he has flown first class, three times, to Europe and back, staying in exclusive hotels. The accused has been seen in the company of many glamorous women and, apparently, on several occasions, was observed losing vast sums of money at European casinos. Oh, and it also says here, the accused, allegedly, furnished several of his glamorous companions with expensive jewellery.
Hmmm. After careful consideration, I find nothing here to support the charges and so, find the accused, not guilty.
PROSECUTOR: But the evidence is undeniable. He is guilty and must be found guilty.
MOLAN: Sir, I don’t rely on evidence. As to the missing funds from the Young Liberals’ bank account, it is obvious to me, some Labor-voting miscreant has absconded with the funds.
MOLAN ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL
MOLAN: You must vote for the Coalition at the next Federal election because we are far superior economic managers than the Labor rabble could ever be. Don’t just take my word for it. Look at the evidence. We are the only party to deliver a budget surplus. Surely, you can rely on the evidence?
Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of 'Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Australia License
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