We now cross to Canberra, where IA reporter Camo presents an exclusive interview with political correspondent Mr Press Pack in the wake of yesterday’s Labor leadership spill.
CAMO – Thanks for your time, Mr Pack
PRESS PACK – No wukkas [sips beer, farts].
CAMO – Thanks for that. Five second warning next time?
PP – Who smelt it, dealt it.
CAMO – No, you dealt it. I saw and heard it.
PP – That’s not what's going in my report.
CAMO – Your report? I’m the one doing the interview.
PP – If you say so. Just hang on a second I have to write this down… Outrage as Press Freedom Attacked!
CAMO – An expectation to report facts is a restriction on the press?
PP – OBVIOUSLY!
CAMO – Ok, whatever. Can I ask you a few actual questions now?
PP – Sure. You can ask...
CAMO – Give us your take on the Labor leadership issue.
PP – Its bad.
CAMO – Which part?
PP – All of it.
CAMO – The Prime Minister was unopposed in a spill.
PP – High farce. Unfit to govern. Worst possible outcome.
CAMO – Why?
PP – Because I said there’d be a challenge. Then there wasn’t one. Atrocious outcome. Proof of Labor’s ineptitude. They can't even take a simple instruction. I said challenge and there damn well should have been one. Do you know how many column inches I’m going to have to run to stop people realising I was wrong? Terrible government. Bring forward the election.
CAMO – And if Gillard had beaten a challenge?
PP – Labor split in farcical challenge. Prime Minister loses support of half the party. Unfit to govern. Bring forward the election.
CAMO – If Rudd had won?
PP – Labor Leadership Merry-go-Round spins again. Farcical situation, unfit to govern. Bring forward the election.
CAMO – So if there’s no challenge, that’s bad?
PP – The worst.
CAMO – A successful challenge is bad?
PP – The country needs stability.
CAMO – And if there had been a successful challenge?
PP – Time for an election!
CAMO – So no challenge is good, then. You cant get much more stable than no challenge. Elections are famously unstable — the last one gave us a hung parliament.
PP – Are you simple or something? I said there would be a challenge and it would be bad. Then there was no challenge and that’s even worse. Try to keep up.
CAMO – And an unsuccessful challenge would have been..?
PP – Bad. Exactly. What else is on your mind.
CAMO – What’s Abbott up to?
PP – Not following you.
CAMO – Tony Abbott, leader of the opposition. What’s he doing?
PP – Still lost me.
CAMO – What is the leader of the opposition doing?!
PP - [Reaches for phone.] Tony? Yeah it's me. I’ll be over sooner than I thought; I can't understand a word this guy is saying.
CAMO – Do you have anything at all to say about the leader of the Liberal-National Coalition?
PP – Campbell Newman? Denis Napthine? Which one, boy?
CAMO – Forget it. What do you have to say about the big pension and unemployment allowance increases yesterday and the additional carbon price rebate to seniors?
PP – Look I’ve got to go. I had Tony on the phone just before. Why don’t I get someone from his office to write up my responses for me and fax them to you. Bye.
(You can follow Camo on Twitter @camo74.)
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