Interview with Mr Press Pack

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We now cross to Canberra, where IA reporter Camo presents an exclusive interview with political correspondent Mr Press Pack in the wake of yesterday’s Labor leadership spill.

Under the Microscope fix

CAMO – Thanks for your time, Mr Pack

PRESS PACK – No wukkas [sips beer, farts].

CAMO – Thanks for that. Five second warning next time?

PP – Who smelt it, dealt it.

CAMO – No, you dealt it. I saw and heard it.

PP – That’s not what's going in my report.

CAMO – Your report? I’m the one doing the interview.

PP – If you say so. Just hang on a second I have to write this down… Outrage as Press Freedom Attacked!

CAMO – An expectation to report facts is a restriction on the press?


CAMO – Ok, whatever. Can I ask you a few actual questions now?

PP – Sure. You can ask...

CAMO – Give us your take on the Labor leadership issue.

PP – Its bad.

CAMO – Which part?

PP – All of it.

CAMO – The Prime Minister was unopposed in a spill.

PP – High farce. Unfit to govern. Worst possible outcome.

CAMO – Why?

PP – Because I said there’d be a challenge. Then there wasn’t one. Atrocious outcome. Proof of Labor’s ineptitude. They can't even take a simple instruction. I said challenge and there damn well should have been one. Do you know how many column inches I’m going to have to run to stop people realising I was wrong? Terrible government. Bring forward the election.

CAMO – And if Gillard had beaten a challenge?

PP – Labor split in farcical challenge. Prime Minister loses support of half the party. Unfit to govern. Bring forward the election.

CAMO – If Rudd had won?

PP – Labor Leadership Merry-go-Round spins again. Farcical situation, unfit to govern. Bring forward the election.

CAMO – So if there’s no challenge, that’s bad?

PP – The worst.

CAMO – A successful challenge is bad?

PP – The country needs stability.

CAMO – And if there had been a successful challenge?

PP – Time for an election!

CAMO – So no challenge is good, then. You cant get much more stable than no challenge. Elections are famously unstable — the last one gave us a hung parliament.

PP – Are you simple or something? I said there would be a challenge and it would be bad. Then there was no challenge and that’s even worse. Try to keep up.

CAMO – And an unsuccessful challenge would have been..?

PP – Bad. Exactly. What else is on your mind.

CAMO – What’s Abbott up to?

PP – Not following you.

CAMO – Tony Abbott, leader of the opposition. What’s he doing?

PP – Still lost me.

CAMO – What is the leader of the opposition doing?!

PP - [Reaches for phone.] Tony? Yeah it's me. I’ll be over sooner than I thought; I can't understand a word this guy is saying.

CAMO – Do you have anything at all to say about the leader of the Liberal-National Coalition?

PP – Campbell Newman? Denis Napthine? Which one, boy?

CAMO – Forget it. What do you have to say about the big pension and unemployment allowance increases yesterday and the additional carbon price rebate to seniors?

PP – Look I’ve got to go. I had Tony on the phone just before. Why don’t I get someone from his office to write up my responses for me and fax them to you. Bye.

(You can follow Camo on Twitter @camo74.)

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