Inside Turnbull's outer ministry

Rocky Dabscheck shares a leaked transcript, received courtesy WickiLeaks (no, not from Hillary's private account) of a recent meeting of Turnbull's outer ministry.

TURNBULL: I’m excited. I’m always excited when we get together. Do you all love my collegiate approach?

DUTTON: We just love how you do what we tell you to do.

TURNBULL: Good. You must be pleased with my recent announcement about keeping boat people out of Australia for life.

JOYCE: Pauline wasn’t happy. She didn’t think it went far enough and I agree with her.

TURNBULL: We don’t have a Pauline. You must mean Julie, or Fiona, Susan, Marise, Kelly or Michaelia.

BISHOP: Don’t look at me. I’m fine. The others look happy enough.

JOYCE: We’ve got to do more to discourage boat people from trying to get to Australia.

DUTTON: I agree. Maybe we could fly them over from Manus or Nauru, line them up against a wall and shoot them.

TURNBULL: No. The public will never accept it.

MORRISON: You may be right. I think this is a perfect time for you to show strong leadership Malcolm.

TURNBULL: I’ve got it. Does anyone here remember Derek and Clive? The skit….’The Worst Job I Ever Had.’

DUTTON: Yeh. Great; but I preferred ‘Jump You Fucker Jump.’

TURNBULL: That’s what we’ll do. Make the refugees do the worst jobs you can imagine. That’ll stop them from wanting to come to Australia, ever. Any ideas?

CORMANN: Make 100 of them pull the boogies out of Barnaby’s nose.

TURNBULL: Great idea. Worked for Winston Churchill.

BISHOP: We could make them translate into English what Scott says when he speaks in tongues.

MORRISON: I don’t think that is either useful or funny. How about we force the women refugees to go shopping at Target and Kmart for Julie’s new outfits, with Julie! She looks so good in polyester.

PYNE: We could appoint 50 of them as our Solicitor–General and make them work closely with Brandis. That’ll fuck them up big time.

BRANDIS: Aren’t you funny Christopher. How about you fix it all by yourself? After all, you are "The Fixer".

TURNBULL: Boys. That’s not helpful. Focus. Come up with some really shitty jobs.

BIRMINGHAM: We could get hundreds of them to help Arthur develop a course on how to improve your memory.

SINODINOS: Oh, aren’t you the funny one. I’d tell you to get fucked but I know that five minutes after this meeting I’ll have forgotten we even had a meeting.

TURNBULL: This is going nowhere. I tell you, being prime minister to you lot is the shittiest job in the whole fucking world, and, it costs me a fortune each year I do it.

That’s it! I’ve got it! We let the boat people in, make them all prime minister for a week. Force them to have a few meetings with you lot and word of mouth will kill the people smuggling trade in no time.

How’s that for leadership!!

I’ll get Abbott to announce it. Can’t wait to see his face when he has to announce some Afghani asylum seeker is prime minister and he isn’t.

Fuck. I really am the smartest person in the room.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for ‘Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires’. He is also author of Stoney Broke and The Hi-Spenders.

Cartoon courtesy of John Graham. You can follow John on Twitter @JohnGrahamart and John Graham Cartoons & Caricatures on his Facebook here.