Satire Opinion

Gladys goes to dinner at Brad Hazzard's

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Cartoon by Mark David / @MDavidCartoons

NSW Health Minister Brad Hazzard invited his Premier, Gladys Berejiklian, to dine at his home together with his wife, Nicole, and two of her young nieces.

HAZZARD: I want tonight to go smoothly, dear. Gladys is under heaps of pressure and needs a good nosh-up.

NICOLE: Yes dear, I know.

NIECE 1: What’s for dinner, Auntie N?

HAZZARD: Quite frankly, I regard that as a ridiculous question at this time. Can’t you see your Auntie N is very busy preparing an important meal and she should not have to leave her important and pressing duties just to answer your unnecessary questions?

NIECE 1: I just want to know what we’re having for dinner.

NICOLE: It’s okay, Brad. I can answer.

HAZZARD: No, dear. I am the head of this household and I’ll determine what is answered and by whom.

NIECE 2: Is it chicken, Auntie N?

HAZZARD: Don’t answer, dear. (Turning to Niece 2.) And why would it be chicken? Are you a little socialist racist?

NIECE 2: I don’t know what that means. Chicken is my favourite meal.

HAZZARD: Oh, that’s alright then. It’s enough that auntie and I know what we’re having. For you young ones, it can be a surprise.

NIECE 1: Can you at least tell me when it will be ready? I’m hungry.

NICOLE: Soon. Not long to...

HAZZARD: That’s enough, Nicole. Girls, it will be ready when it’s ready. That’s all you need to know.

(The doorbell rings. Hazzard makes his way to the front door posthaste, opens it and greets Gladys.)

HAZZARD: Gladys. Premier. So good to see you.

GLADYS: Mmm. Brad. Smells good. Here’s a bottle of Grange, to help the dinner go down tonight.

(Hazzard takes the bottle of Grange and inspects it with admiration.)

HAZZARD: Wow. Where did you get this?

GLADYS: Don’t ask. (Noticing the girls.) Who are these two cuties?

HAZZARD: They’re Nicole’s nieces.

(Nicole enters.)

GLADYS: Hi, Nicole. Wonderful to see you. I just love your outfit. The food smells great. What’s for dinner?

NICOLE: I’ve prepared an Armenian feast in your honour, Premier.

GLADYS: Enough with the formalities. “Gladys” is fine.

NICOLE: Gladys it is. Dolma; Lavash; Boerag; Manti; Tjuik; Apricot pastries.

GLADYS: You have been busy! Sounds wonderful.

(Nicole retires to the kitchen, adding final touches to the meal. Brad and Gladys chit-chat. The nieces play a game on their phones and become quite animated.)

HAZZARD: Girls! Please.

GLADYS: What game are you playing girls?

NIECE 1: It’s called Shooting Ducks. You have to shoot down ducks as they randomly fly in the sky.

GLADYS: Really? Have you ever been shooting at a range?

NIECE 1: No.

GLADYS: How would you enjoy a session at a shooting gallery?

NIECE 1: Yes, please.

NIECE 2: Me, too.

GLADYS: Wonderful. I’ll arrange a session for both of you and Brad at the Clay Target Association Centre in Wagga Wagga.

NIECE 1: Thank you, thank you, thank you.

HAZZARD: That’s very generous of you, Premier.

GLADYS: Oh, you know me, Brad.

NICOLE: Dinner’s ready.

(Hazzard grabs the bottle of Grange, He and Gladys make their way to the dinner table.)

HAZZARD: Girls, have you washed your hands?

NIECE 1: Not yet.

HAZZARD: Well, go and do that now. No wash, no dinner.

(The girls head off to the bathroom.)

GLADYS: Brad, you really are an excellent Health Minister. Encouraging good habits.

HAZZARD: I try to do my best, Gladys.

(The girls return.)

NIECE 1: There wasn’t any soap. We couldn’t wash our hands.

NICOLE: Really? Brad, you were meant to bring some home tonight.

HAZZARD: Not my fault. Not enough supplies. Panic buying meant the supermarket was bare of soap.

NICOLE: Okay, girls. You can still wash your hands.

NIECE 2: But there’s no soap.

NICOLE: You can still wash your hands with warm water.

NIECE 1: We’ve always been told our hands aren’t really clean unless we use soap and water.

GLADYS: This time I think it’s okay to listen to Auntie.

NICOLE: Speaking of listening to good advice. Gladys, Brad told me what your very favourite is, so I’ve cooked up a delicious entrée of pork kebab for you.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of 'Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.

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