Emperor Trump's new clothes

When diplomacy meets delusion, only the finest invisible fabrics will do, writes John Longhurst.

MICK HAD THE MOBILE phone glued to his ear as he paced within easy earshot of the bar table:

“Yeah, yeah... thanks, Sharky... I am onto it... I am with my people now and will get back to you after some consultation.”

All eyes were on Mick as he finished the call and Bazza rubbed his chin:

“Your people, Mick? And Sharky... who is Sharky?”

Mick took a decent sip of the offered schooner and enjoyed the pause:

“That would be Greg Norman, the golfer, otherwise known as the ‘Shark’. We sat next to each other in English in high school. He tried to foist golf onto me as a sport, but I resisted. I did not want to crowd him out, so he privately believes his success is due to my encouragement, so he owes me and stays in touch.”

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A couple of double swallows and one splutter of beer as Mick’s eyes went skywards:

Well, as you know, although Albo’s scheduled meeting with Donald Trump on the sidelines of the G7 in Canada on Tuesday was postponed, it will happen eventually. So listen up — the Shark is pretty matey with Donald, so Albo’s people have been onto the Shark’s people about an appropriate gift for the President to win him over. Well, the Shark has just flicked the job back to me for a local focus and I said I need to consult with my people and... so here we are. The destiny of the USA and Australia relationship could well be decided by your input.

Much rubbing of chins before “Know-All” Ron cleared his throat:

“Well, hard to compete with a luxury plane gifted from Qatar. We could go for a rocket from Elon Musk for some space travel, but I am not sure of the trust levels with the President. I reckon something Australian. I am suggesting very Australian.”

Bella, the publican, paused from wiping tables and smiled:

“We could give him Tasmania, Mick. It is a nice little piece of Australia and it’s leaderless at the moment. Replace the sign ‘Welcome to Hobart’ with ‘Greenland loves YOU’ at the airport and he might not know the difference. But on a more serious note, I suggest some of our top fashion designers sort a new wardrobe for the President. From all accounts, he is pretty vain and loves the cut of his cloth.”

Numerous nods of agreement as a circle formed around Bella as she continued:

“The people at Anthony Squires can design a top-quality suit. One for the various negotiations the President is involved with around the world, whether it be Russia, Ukraine, the Middle East, India, Pakistan or downtown Los Angeles riots. It has to be a suit with plenty of pockets for various deals and positive, upbeat and ready-to-go Truth Social comments when things go well or horribly wrong.”

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Bazza leaned in and lowered his voice.

“Maybe include a pocket for a thesaurus, Bella, for alternate words to ‘nice’, ‘nasty’, ‘terrible’, ‘beautiful’ and...”

Mick cut Bazza off with a stare as Bella continued:

“Now, a military uniform with lots of medals for parades is essential, paired with some battle fatigues. Some of those uniforms the Germans wore in parades in the 1930s would look great with modern-day spotlights and lasers highlighting his stature. Now, for golfing attire, I recommend Jenny Kee as the designer.”

Bella continued at a lightning pace, covering swimwear including budgie smugglers, resort wear and even a First Family outfit based on the Royal Family attire.

Mick beamed:

“Wow, Bella, you are all over it. Okay, what fabrics should we use? Our finest merino wool perhaps? Or our top-grade cottons and silks?”

Bazza slammed his schooner on the bar table:

“No, no, no, Mick. It’s for Donald Trump, the Emperor. They are the ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’ and transparency is crucial. You have to go with our thinnest cellophane. You know, cloth cut from Glad Wrap.”

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John Longhurst is a former industrial advocate and political adviser. He currently works as an English and History teacher on the South Coast of NSW.