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Hearing of Barnaby Joyce’s recent travails motivated Trump to stand by an ally and ring the beleaguered Deputy PM. IA found itself, unwittingly, on a party line with the two political heavyweights.

TRUMP: Barry. Barry, is that you?

BARNABY: Not Barry, Mr President. Barnaby. Barnaby.

TRUMP: Barnaby! You’re not a fucking Mormon, or Seventh-day Adventist, or some other fucked cultish group member are you?

BARNABY: No, no. Nothing like that. Closest I’d get to anything at all remotely considered something like that is being with our National Party here in Australia. I am its leader.

TRUMP: Its leader. Very good.

BARNABY: Yeah. That’s why I’m our Deputy Prime Minister.

TRUMP: Deputy Prime Minister. That surprises me.

BARNABY: Why’s that Mr President?

TRUMP: For fuck sake, call me Donald. Being a president is no great shakes, Think about it. A knitting and crochet club can have its own president.

BARNABY: Okay then, Donald. Still, why are you surprised?

TRUMP: Look, between you and me, Bart —

BARNABY: Barnaby.

TRUMP: Err, Barnaby, or whatever the fuck your name is. Thing is, I’ve met your current Prime Minister several times and as you know, I’ve had the misfortune of having to call him from time to time. Shit phone manner. If he was on one of those call centre help lines the fucker could single-handedly bring down the company he was working for.

BARNABY: Yes, Donald. He’s not the sort of guy you’d want in your shearing shed.

TRUMP: My point is this, Barney.

BARNABY: Barnaby.

TRUMP: Okay. Barnafuckingby. My point being, if that PM Turnbull of yours was a horse, you wouldn’t have to geld him. Even Mike Pence would be relaxed having Mrs. Pence in a room alone with that turkey Turnbull. The fucker doesn’t have any balls.

I can’t believe a dude with no gonads is Prime Minister, and a fully fledged root rat like you is only Deputy. Wouldn’t happen here. JFK. Clinton. Me.

BARNABY: That’s very kind of you, but I don’t know if I want to be known as a root rat.

TRUMP: No need to be modest around me, Bruce.

BARNABY: Barnaby.

TRUMP: You’re Australian aren’t you? So you may as well be Bruce. Yeah, that’s right. You were a New Zealand citizen until recently. That’s probably where that fucking stupid name comes from.

Anyway, I ‘ve heard you don’t mind knocking back a pint or two. Great Aussie tradition, I hear. Personally, my drink of choice is either rum and coke without the rum or scotch and coke without the scotch.

BARNABY: It’s true. I am partial to a tipple every now and then.

TRUMP: From what I’ve heard, you always go with now rather than then. My point, Barack. What the fuck? I didn’t mean to call you that awful name. I’ll tell you why I don’t hit the plonk like you do.

I love a good root myself. The older you get, the softer you become. Catch my drift?

BARNABY: Yes, I think I do.

TRUMP: When I heard that you can drink yourself legless, but still get it up, I thought, what a guy. You can be proud of yourself Brian.

BARNABY: Barnaby.

TRUMP: Why do you keep calling me Barnaby? I told you my name is Donald.

Anyway, I think you are a very good man. A wonderful person. The sort of leader your great country needs.

BARNABY: Well, thank you, Donald.

TRUMP: I was told your bit of crumpet is a fair bit younger than you, like Bill and Monica.

BARNABY: Well, I’d rather not discuss my private life.

TRUMP: Don’t worry about that. This is a very, very private line, except for my advisors listening in.

Is she a good looking sort? You don’t want to waste your time on one who’s not a good looker. There’s plenty of good ones out there.

BARNABY: Well, err, I think she looks good, but can we talk about something like a free trade agreement? Or, have you ever shorn a sheep?

TRUMP: Have I ever shorn a sheep, Bob? Where the fuck do you think I got my hair from? 

... IA’s party line connection dropped off.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders.

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Australia License

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