Australian politicians: 'Did I really say that?'

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(Cartoon by Mark David / @mdavidcartoons)

With the arrival of the new year many politicians try to come to terms with some of their past utterances. Rocky Dabscheck asks several leading politicians what they actually meant.


“You’re welcome.”

Really? I said that? Or allegedly said that? I can’t imagine I would have. Must have been really pissed at the time.

Oh, wait. I did say it to Eric Abetz when he thanked me for the present I gave him for his 60th birthday. Some lederhosen and Tony Mokbel’s wig.


“Fuck off idiot. Are you fucked in the head or something?”

That couldn’t be me. No way. I don’t talk like that. I mean; think about it. I am, in reality, Australia’s leading diplomat. I can’t use language like that.

Oh, that’s right. It’s coming back to me now. I did say it. I was at an Eagles v. Collingwood game at The G. Josh Kennedy took a mark in the goal square, and they gave a free kick against him.

I acknowledge the taxpayer picked up the tab for my flights to Melbourne and back to Perth, plus my accommodation at Crown, but, mind you, I did pay for my own copy of The Footy Record at the ground.


“I don’t recall.”

I can’t remember ever having said that, though it is the sort of thing I can imagine myself saying. I hope I’ll remember to use that phrase again, at some point this year.


“Coal is good for humanity.”

Of course it is and I don’t revile from having said it. Not only that my Government was the best and most efficient government Australia has ever had. The press is wholly to blame for the Catholic Church’s problems. Climate change is as real as the Loch Ness Monster. Stephen Smith is a better bowler than he is batsmen and Ringo was the best musician in The Beatles.


“You lookin' at me?”

No way known I would say that. I don’t do Robert De Niro impersonations.

Hang on. I do seem to recollect saying something like that on that awful day when the same sex legislation was passed. I asked Tim Wilson if he was looking at me when he proposed marriage. I thank Jesus that Tim’s answer was “No”.


“It's my party and I'll say what I want to.”

Please explain why you would suggest I ever said that. One Nation decisions are made only after extensive consultation with its members, at every level of the party. I never make unilateral decisions.

Come to think of it. Maybe that’s what I sang at our karaoke party the night of the Queensland election. You know I can stumble with my words. It should have been “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.”

By the way, what does unilateral mean? James told me to say it.


“Can you pay for me?”

I like the sentiment, but I can’t remember ever saying that to anyone.

Hang on a minute... I do have a vague memory coming back to me. That’s right. It was at the NSW State Labor Conference. Albo and I nicked across the road for some takeaway at the local Chinese restaurant. I ordered half a dozen dim sims and asked Albo to pay for me. No big deal.


“My Government’s policies will be determined by reason, logic and innovative, forward looking thought. Not by fear, or the appeasement of dissenting voices from within.”

It is possible I may have uttered those words, but it does smack of a Turnbull impersonator — a Lawrence Mooney, or someone like that.

I am a man of my word. A man of action. You be the judge of my actions.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders.

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