Satire Opinion

A letter of gratitude to Gladys and Scott

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As a humble Victorian, Rocky Dabscheck felt it was time to acknowledge his superiors.

DEAR Gladys and Scott,

I thank you for pretty well being better, smarter, wiser, more competent and fairer than we Victorians. We garner great comfort and succour knowing Sydney is only an hour flight or a ten-hour drive up the Hume Highway from Melbourne. Whatever is trending in your great city often sets the tone for life here in Melbourne within a few weeks.

Let me explain why I truly think we Victorians, Australia’s little Mexicans, are dumber than you New South Welshman. In the past 40 years, we have barely had ten years of a state LNP government. Can you believe it? For 30 of the last 40 years and for all bar four years this millennium, we have actually voted in a Labor state government. How f***ing dumb are we? Thirty of the last 40 years under Labor. And this happened in Australia, not Cuba or some other commie enclave. Victoria is positively unAustralian and that’s not even the half of it.

In Sydney, you understandably chortle on about that great, visionary PM, John Howard. Here in Melbourne, we regard a loser such as Gough Whitlam as a visionary giant PM and take pride in knowing he was born in Melbourne.

Get this; we are so dense down here we didn’t notice our hero, Gough, was smart enough to nick off from shithole Melbourne when he was only two years old, thus enabling him to enjoy a great life in Sydney. I can hear two-year-old Gough demanding his family relocate to Sydney where he can experience vibrancy, great shopping, inner-city surfing, fabulous talkback radio and rugby league, rather than the miserable, cold weather and intellectual stupor on offer in Melbourne.

Compare yourself, Gladys, to our only female Premier, Joan Kirner. She nearly killed off the genre of tribute bands in Australia, because of how badly she ruined Joan Jett’s ‘I Love Rock n’ Roll’. Imagine how many Aussie musicians would be out of work if that had happened. Typical Labor, costing people their jobs. Plus, with all the polka dot outfits she wore, Kirner would have been better-suited cycling up mountains in the Tour de France than running a state.

Gladys, you have actually won an election to form a government. Our Joan never did that. That other female NSW Premier, the one with the American accent, couldn’t win off her own bat, just like Joan. They both inherited the mantle, then proceeded to lose high office at the next possible opportunity. You, Gladys, are a winner!

I am disgusted with how small-minded my fellow Victorians were in their reaction to you having paid a little “overs” for the Badgerys Creek land. In their defence, we don’t fully appreciate to what extent property values in Sydney dwarf those here in stodgy Melbourne.

I am aware you had to endure that ruffian Keating as a Sydney-based PM for several years. Remember the kerfuffle over his piggery? If only he’d had you to handle that affair. Pork is your specialty.

We are not surprised so many men within your circle fall in love with you, Gladys. Arthur has all the wisdom of a Moses and as for that dill, Daryl, his only saving grace is having partnered you. I can imagine how many Sydney men long to go on a cruise ship romantic sojourn with you.

Prime Minister Morrison; how lucky are we to have you, Scott from Sydney, as our leader? The best we could come up with here in Melbourne was “electricity” Bill Shorten. Short on smarts and humongous on policy. Dead set, you needed a PhD in philosophy to understand what he was on about. I know you don’t hold a hose, but seriously, Melbourne Bill can’t hold a candle to you.

Fashion-wise, how turgid are we in Melbourne? Black, black and for a change, faded black. How good are you with colour? No one wears Hawaiian shirts better than you do. Not even NSW’s late, great “boy from Oz” Peter Allen did justice to Hawaiian shirts the way you do.

That’s about it for now. I thank you both again, Gladys and Scott, for setting a gold standard we Victorians can only dream of emulating. We can’t even claim to be bronze standard. Compared to your NSW, we’re stuck in the Bronze Age here in Victoria.

Best wishes,

Rocky D. (A forever grateful Victorian.)

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of 'Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.

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