Prime Minister Scott Morrespin joins Vial & Crackie Oh on 1069 KRAS FM

Prime Minister for New South Wales Scott Morrespin discusses his Government's top achievements – and also that incident at Engadine Macca's, which most definitely never happened – with Kyle Stankypants and Crackie Oh.

And so, we also brought you the COVID pandemic, on a cruise ship. 

But then, some Sydneysiders had to go into lockdown! And as we know, if one Sydneysider suffers, all Australians must suffer tenfold, verily.

Listen on Spotify HERE:

TRANSCRIPT

CRACKIE OH: IT’S TEN PAST THE HOUR OF SIX IN THE AM. I’M HERE, AS EVER, WITH THE LEGENDARY VIAL STANKYPANTS. GOOD MORNING, VIAL!

VIAL STANKYPANTS: [GROANS INDISTINCTLY SOMETHING THAT MAY BE  “GOOD MORNING” … OR MAY, JUST THE SAME, NOT BE.]

CRACKIE OH: VIAL AND I ARE IN THE ROCKIN’ STUDIOS OF KRAS [PRONOUNCED CRASS] ONE OH SIXTY-NINE IN THE BEAUTIFUL EMERALD CITY ON THE BAY. IT’S A BRIGHT AND SUNNY SUMMER DAY AND DO WE HAVE A TREAT FOR YOU, THIS STUNNING SYDNEY MORNING!

YES, SITTING RIGHT ACROSS FROM US IS NONE OTHER THAN THE PRIME MINISTER OF AUSTRALIA, WHO HAS MADE THE TREK UP FROM THE SHIRE TODAY TO JOIN US, RIGHT HERE IN THE STUDIO. AND THAT’S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!

LET’S WELCOME THE PM WITH THE MOISTEST, GOOD MORNING, PRIME MINISTER MORRESPIN!

VIAL STANKYPANTS: [GRUNTS SOMETHING INDISTINCT BUT SUSPICIOUSLY SOUNDING LIKE “MORNIN’ Y’ C*NT”.]

SCOTT MORRESPIN: IT’S AN ABSOLUTE PLEASURE TO BE HERE IN THE STUDIO WITH YOU TWO. AS YOU KNOW, I AM A MASSIVE FAN OF YOUR SHOW, WHICH, I BELIEVE IS THE MOST LISTENED TO RADIO SHOW, AND IS JUST THE HIGHEST STANDARD OF PUBLIC INTEREST JOURNALISM — OUTSIDE THE DAILY TELECRAP, OF COURSE – IN OUR WIDE BROWN LAND.

CRACKIE OH: IT CERTAINLY IS, PRIME MINISTER AND, OF COURSE, WE ARE SUPER EXCITED AS WE’VE NEVER HAD YOU ON THE SHOW BEFORE.

VIAL STANKYPANTS: [GRUNTS SOMETHING LIKE “AH SHAT YER PENS NENGADINE” THEN CACKLES SLOWLY LIKE A TOTAL DRUNKARD.]

SCOTT MORRESPIN: I JUST WANT TO REITERATE THAT I DID NOT DO THAT THING IN ENGADINE. THOUGH I FIND IT INCREDIBLY AMUSING! HA HA HAH! [UNCOVINCINGLY].

VIAL STANKYPANTS: [SNIGGERS AND MAKES GARBLED “BULLSQUIRT” SOUND.]

SCOTT MORRESPIN: I’M SORRY, CRACKIE, BUT IS VIAL OKAY? HE LOOKS LIKE HE’S PASSED OUT AND THERE SEEMS TO BE A LOT OF, WELL…DROOL ON HIS DESK.

CRACKIE OH: THAT’S NOT DROOL, PM. BUT NO, THIS IS NORMAL. IT’S EARLY. VIAL IS JUST WARMING UP.

SCOTT MORRESPIN: [DOUTFULLY] IF YOU SAY SO.

ALSO, I HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE, TO ANNOUNCE MY SUPPORT FOR SYDNEY’S LOCKDOWN BY GIVING MONEY TO EVERY SYDNEYSIDER. AS YOU KNOW, I AM THE PRIME MINISTER FOR NEW SOUTH WALES.

CRACKIE OH: YOU ARE INDEED!

NOW, LAST WEEK WAS THE LAST SITTING WEEK OF PARLIAMENT AND, WITH AN ELECTION DUE EARLY NEXT YEAR, I’D JUST LIKE TO ASK YOU ON BEHALF OF OUR LISTENERS, TO HIGHLIGHT THE MORRESPIN GOVERNMENT’S TOP ACHIEVEMENTS DURING ITS TERM IN OFFICE, SO FAR. I MEAN, IT WILL BE HARD AS THERE ARE SO MANY.

SCOTT MORRESPIN: WELL, YOU KNOW, YES THERE HAVE BEEN, CRACKIE, THOUGH I DON’T LIKE TO BRAG.

CRACKIE OH: NEVER!

SCOTT MORRESPIN: BUT, OF COURSE, IT’S BEEN A VERY DIFFICULT TIME FOR AUSTRALIANS, AS YOU WELL KNOW. WHAT WITH THE FIRES AND FLOODS AND MOUSE PLAGUES – WHICH, MIND YOU, HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH CLIMATE CHANGE – BUT AUSTRALIANS ARE VERY RESILIENT. AND SO, WE ALSO BROUGHT YOU THE COVID PANDEMIC, ON A CRUISE SHIP.

BUT THEN, SOME SYDNEYSIDERS HAD TO GO INTO LOCKDOWN! AND AS WE KNOW, IF ONE SYDNEYSIDER SUFFERS, ALL AUSTRALIANS MUST SUFFER TENFOLD, VERILY.

CRACKIE OH: ABSOLUTELY! THAT’S WHY VIAL AND I LOVE YOUR WORK! OH, AND DEPUTY PM BARNACLES. HE’S SUCH A CRACK UP!

SCOTT MORRESPIN: WE WORK VERY WELL TOGETHER, OL’ BARNACLES AND I. AND, I MEAN, ALONG WITH TREASURER JOSH FLYHINDENBERG, WE’VE RESTORED AUSTRALIA’S FINANCES — THE ONES COMPLETELY DESTROYED BY THE LABOR GOVERNMENT! AND WE’VE PUT THE NATION BACK IN THE BLACK, SOMETIME IN THE VERY DISTANT FUTURE…NOT RIGHT NOW, OBVIOUSLY, BECAUSE DEBT HAS QUADRUPLED.

CRACKIE OH: OF COURSE! YOU ARE THE BEST ECONOMIC MANAGERS!

SCOTT MORRESPIN: I MEAN, WHERE DO I START? THERE’S HOW WE’VE KEPT ALL AUSTRALIANS SAFE FROM THE DESPICABLE VIRUS WE BROUGHT YOU.

CRACKIE OH: WASN’T IT THE STATES THAT HANDLED THE PANDEMIC RESPONSE?

SCOTT MORRESPIN: [Yells] THE STATES?! THE STATES?! HAH! IF DICTATOR DAN ANDREWS AND THAT PALASZCZUK WOMAN HAD HAD THEIR WAY, WE’D STILL BE WEARING MASKS AND CHRISTMAS WOULD BE DEAD! DEAD SET!

CRACKIE OH: OH, DON’T GET ME STARTED ON DICTATOR DAN ANDREWS!

SCOTT MORRESPIN: ALSO, WE KEPT YOU ALL SAFE FROM THE CHINESE BOGEY MAN BY ESSENTIALLY DECLARING WAR ON CHINA. BUT I CAN’T TALK ABOUT THAT. NATIONAL SECURITY, YOU KNOW.

CRACKIE OH: OH! OF COURSE NOT!

SCOTT MORRESPIN: ERRRR [SOUND OF PIPE CRACKLING LOUDER] … VIAL … IS HE DOING WHAT I THINK HE’S DOING?

CRACKIE OH: THAT’S RIGHT PM, HE’S HAVING HIS MORNING WAKE-UP “COFFEE”.

[BUBBLING STOPS… CARRIES ON A LITTLE BIT … THEN STOPS COMPLETELY. THERE IS A PAUSE]

VIAL STANKYPANTS: [SOUNDING TOTALLY NORMAL] WOAH HOAH! THAT WAS ONE HELL OF A MOCHA!

NOW PRIME MINISTER, ONE OF THE THINGS YOU HAVE BEEN ACCUSED OF IS NOT TELLING THE TRUTH? IS THAT RIGHT?

SCOTT MORRESPIN: I DON’T THINK THAT IS SOMETHING ANYONE HAS SERIOUSLY ACCUSED ME OF, NO.

VIAL STANKYPANTS: WOW! YOU ARE GOOD, PM. I NEARLY BELIEVED YOU THEN!

CRACKIE OH: HE IS GOOD, ISN’T HE? [GIGGLES]

VIAL STANKYPANTS: NOW SCOMO, I’M GOING TO GET SOME OF OUR LISTENERS TO CALL IN AND SEE IF THEY CAN MAKE YOU TELL THE TRUTH.

YOU KNOW THE NUMBER KIDS, 1300 KRAS, JUST CALL IN NOW AND SPEAK TO NSW PRIME MINISTER SCOTT MORRESPIN. IF YOU CAN MAKE HIM TELL THE TRUTH, YOU’LL WIN $10,000 AND FREE PIES FOR LIFE FROM OUR FRIENDS AT THE DEVIL’S LETTUCE IN DOWNTOWN ROOTY HILL.

CRACKIE OH: WE HAVE OUR FIRST CALLER ON THE LINE NOW, PRIME MINISTER, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE THE CALL?

SCOTT MORRESPIN: WELL, YES.

CRACKIE OH: HAHA! THAT’S ANOTHER LIE! AH, HE’S A SCREAM! GO AHEAD IRMA GULLABLE FROM POTTS HILL.

IRMA GULLABLE: PRIME MINISTER, I HAVE ALWAYS VOTED FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE A GO AND WE CAN HAVE A GO AND THEN GET A GO.

SCOTT MORRESPIN: WELL, THANKS IRMA, I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SAYING. IT’S ALL ABOUT HAVING A GO. SO GO ON.

IRMA GULLABLE: EXACTLY! PRECISEMENT. BUT I NEED TO KNOW, ARE WE STILL GETTING THE CHRISTIAN RELIGIOUS DISCRIMINATION ACT SO ALL OF US GOOD CHRISTIANS CAN GO ALL WE WANT AGAINST MUSLIMS, ATHEISTS, HOMOSEXUALS AND ASSORTED OTHER HEATHENS?

SCOTT MORRESPIN: WELL, YOU KNOW, IRMA, MY MINISTERS AND I HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD TO GET THAT VERY IMPORTANT BILL PASSED, AS WE ALL BELIEVE IT IS ESSENTIAL, AND I HAVE NO DOUBT YOU AND ALL GOOD CHRISTIANS WILL BE ABLE TO DISCRIMINATE AGAINST EVERYBODY ELSE AGAIN VERY SOON.

VIAL STANKYPANTS: [LOUD HONKING SOUND IS HEARD] LIE! YOU HAVEN’T GOT A HOPE IN HELL OF PASSING THAT BILL!

SCOTT MORRESPIN: [INTERRUPTING] WELL, I RESPECT YOUR VIEW, VIAL —

VIAL STANKYPANTS: [CUTS HIM OFF AND LOUD HONKING SOUND IS HEARD AGAIN] LIE! NO, YOU DON’T! THERE’S ANOTHER ONE! [LAUGHS] I’VE GOT TEARS IN MY EYES! AND THE NEXT CALLER IS ON THE LINE — GO AHEAD, BRIDGET BOWNARROW, FROM BONDI.

BRIDGET BOWENARROW: GOOD MORNING, VIAL AND CRACKIE OH, I JUST WANT TO ASK THE PM WHETHER THE BILL FOR A FEDERAL INTEGRITY COMMISSION WILL BE PUT BEFORE PARLIAMENT IN THE NEW YEAR?

SCOTT MORRESPIN: OF COURSE, IT WILL, BRIDGET. MY GOVERNMENT IS COMMITTED TO A FEDERAL INTEGRITY COMMISSION.

BRIDGET BOWENARROW: UM, YOU SAID HELL WOULD FREEZE OVER BEFORE THAT BILL SAW THE LIGHT OF DAY!

SCOTT MORRESPIN: WELL OF COURSE IT WON’T WITH ALL THOSE SAFEGUARDS LABOR WANT IN THERE — WAIT, IS THAT YOU, BRIDGET ARCHER? I NEVER SAID THAT?!

CRACKIE OH [CUTS HIM OFF AND THE LOUD HONKING SOUND IS HEARD AGAIN] LIE! YOU’VE MADE NO MOVE TO EXECUTE A FEDERAL ICAC. BUT YOU ALMOST HAD ME THERE AGAIN! AH, HILARIOUS! THEY DON’T CALL HIM THE LIAR WITH FIRE FOR NOTHING!

UNFORTUNATELY, PRIME MINISTER MORRESPIN, WE ARE OUT OF TIME AND WE STILL HAVE TO DO THE SEGMENT WHERE VIAL MAKES ME CRY, SO, ON BEHALF OF ALL OF US HERE AT 1069 KRAS FM AND ALL OF SYDNEY, THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO … AND THAT THING YOU … UM … DEFINITELY DIDN’T DO AT ENGADINE MACCAS.

VIAL STANKYPANTS: ALSO, NONE OF OUR LISTENERS WAS ABLE TO MAKE THE PM TELL THE TRUTH, SO THE $10,000 REMAINS UNCLAIMED.

CRACKIE OH: MMM.

SCOTT MORRESPIN: MY PLEASURE, CRACKIE AND VIAL, AND OF COURSE, ALL THE GOOD AND RESILIENT SYDNEYSIDERS OUT THERE. AND REMEMBER, A VOTE THAT’S NOT FOR THE COALITION IS A VOTE FOR CHAIRMAN ALBANESE. WHO WILL DESTROY CHRISTMAS. AND ALL THE WEEKENDS FOREVER MORE. ALONG WITH HIS FRIEND DICTATOR DAN.

VIAL STANKYPANTS: SEE YA, C*NT.

You can also listen on YouTube HERE:

Written by David Donovan and Michelle Pini. Performed by David Donovan, Michelle Pini and Dan Jensen. Theme music by Rocky Dabscheck.

Follow on Twitter, founder and director Dave Donovan @davrosz, IA managing editor Michelle Pini @vmp9 and digital editor Dan Jensen @danjensenmovies. Follow Independent Australia on Twitter @independentaus and on Facebook HERE.