Hi, I’m Tony Abbott, welcome to my blog

Yes, dear subscribers, it's me, Tony Abbott. I’m back. Put your hands in the air, scream and shout and party like it’s 2013 because I’m back raising the roof with my best stuff.

WELCOME to my Substack.

I’m former Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott, Rhodes Scholar, boxer, seminarian turned journalist turned politician turned unemployed. Occasional firefighter and surfer. Frequent intellectual masturbator.

Thank you for your subscription (yes, I really do have a blog).

My patriotic subscribers, please think of my journey. You know, I used to be on television every night. I secured borders, ended taxes, ate onions. You remember me in Speedos, my comments on women’s sex appeal, my awkward pauses where I left my mouth open at press conferences like I was at the dentist.

Dear readers, I want you to remember. I had the glory of office: TV debates, Question Time antics, and let’s not forget the pressers at lecterns flanked by 32 Aussie flags.

Then, I had Decline — backstabbed and left to snipe from the backbench at a job-stealing, sweater-wearing, know-it-all moderate.

And then, my Fall: my unceremonious dumping on the kerbside at the 2019 election, like it was Warringah Council’s hard garbage day.

After office, I tried everything: think tanks, panel discussions, speeches at conservative conferences. You knew it was a serious lecture when I had those teeny-tiny glasses of mine perched on my flapping ears.

But after a while, the bookings dried up, the silence became disturbing, and I found myself alone in my North Shore mansion, wondering whether the dishwasher and fridge had always been that loud.

In those dark times, when I shouted into the void, flailed for Australia’s attention, I barely got enough media oxygen to keep the dying light of my relevance alive. Very few listened.

However, it is a brave new era. A triumph is on the horizon, for I, Tony Abbott, am now the proud owner of a blog.

A blog used to be where millennial teenagers shared their secrets and school gossip. But now, there are food blogs, travel blogs, finance blogs.

And then there’s the Tony blog – where I am proud to announce that I will be coming up with batshit things to say regularly to a self-selecting few – with the best of it seeping into the papers, the radio airwaves and the 6 o’clock news.

Yes, since I started this blog, I have found myself precisely where I belong, where I used to be, where I seek to exist until I pass: the media cycle.

You may ask why? I can tell you.

Australia should fear China. We should fear immigrants. But most of all, we should fear my irrelevance.

Since starting this blog, I have recommended Australia use lethal force on Iran, said ‘the best migrants are our own children', and lamented authoritarian leader Viktor Orban’s political demise in the Hungarian elections.

Let’s think about that.

Viktor Orbán openly aimed to create an ‘illiberal democracy’, corrupted the institutional checks and balances on governmental power and victimised opponents.

But more importantly, he hates queer people and migrants, so he gets the big thumbs up from me.

Viktor and I disagreed on the whole Russia’s invasion of a sovereign nation debacle.

I have said I would like to ‘shirtfront’ Vladimir Putin, and Viktor would prefer to shine his shoes.

But again, I cannot emphasise enough: he hated the queers and the foreigners, so double thumbs up.

And where did that opinion get me? A whisper from subscribers, turned to conversations, turned to a conservative media roar.

And now I’m back as Liberal Party President. What next, a Senate seat?

Or perhaps… ultimately, with your support, the Prime Ministership once more.

Yes, dear subscribers, I’m back. Put your hands in the air, scream and shout and party like it’s 2013 because I’m back raising the roof with my best stuff.

You better buckle up, baby — because this blog has no character limit, no post limit, and no limit on the unreasonableness of my arguments.

This is the part where I break free. See me soar.